All recognized characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended.
This chapter has been beta'd by the ever amazing: Strae
She said nothing as I walked away, and that was all it really took to break me. I called my dad as soon as I was out of hearing distance and he agreed to come and get me as soon as he could.
I didn't know what I was going to do, but I needed to get out of here. I felt broken, hollow, cold. Isabella Swan broke me. She didn't want the heart I handed to her, she threw it into that sand and filled it up with the course grains – leaving my heart heavy, damaged, and unwilling to beat regularly.
How could I have let myself believe she had feelings for me? How could I have been so stupid, so idiotic, so absolutely ridiculous?
I couldn't stop my feet as they carried me along with highway towards Forks. I had to get out of here. The clouds to the west were churning dangerously over the Pacific, dark and unfriendly. I was headed east, away from the storm, but that didn't matter, it would catch me quickly, unmerciful to my already crippled body.
Carlisle drove fast, and I used the "I might hurt someone or myself," tactic to make sure he really put the pedal to the metal. He shouldn't have been more than another 20 minutes away. Now all I had to do was keep walking and pray that the others stayed on the beach at least until I got picked up.
I couldn't deal with seeing her again, I was just barely keeping it together as it was. If I had to see her tantalizing beauty one more time, I'd lose it completely, and God only knows what I'd do then.
I had to keep it together, for everyone's sake, until I was on the road. I had to drive, I needed speed and a long road to clear my head. I couldn't come back, not until I was sure she couldn't break me again.
She'll always be able to break you, my mind warned. I shook it to clear those thoughts. I just had to get out of here, I'd be able to get over this as soon as I got a fresh, cleared head.
Come on, dad! Hurry up.
My lungs were starting to ache as I moved as quickly as possible with the crutches in place. I was going to have delightful bruises under my arms after this, but that pain didn't even begin to equal-
No, just stop thinking about it.
I kept on, running from girl who was my everything. Why did I let myself admit it? How could I fall so deeply and foolishly in love with her?
Stop thinking about it.
Black car…not his. Damn. Hurry up, dad! I was on the brink of losing it. My lungs ached like I was drowning, each breath hurt like I was inhaling sea water. It hurt so fucking bad, and I couldn't not think about it. I would rather have had my other ACL torn than have to go through this pain. I'd never felt anything near this painful in my life.
I was burning at the stake, crippling into a useless lump of flesh, but I wouldn't let myself collapse. My body convulsed with a sob but I fought the next one back and refused to let myself crumble.
Not yet, I told myself, Just hold on a little bit longer.
I managed to. The black Mercedes came barreling around a curve and I gave a grateful sob, one that hurt like hell. Dad got the car turned around quickly and I was in the passenger seat moments later.
"What happened?" he asked.
I refused to answer that question. I would never speak of her again. I hate her.
No, you dumb ass, you love her.
No, I hate her. I hate her for breaking me. I hate that I gave her the power to break me. I hate her.
You don't hate her.
Yes, I do. And I hate you too, so stop trying to talk me out of hating her.
My mind was adamant about the fact that I didn't hate B-her. I couldn't think her name, I couldn't say her name, and I didn't want to hear her name, but my father kept saying it, creating invisible welts on me. Her name was like a torturous whip, lashing me. She was the torturous whip, she was lashing me, making me bleed and die.
I was cold, even though I was burning. I was dead, even though I knew I was alive. My heart was broken, even though it was still beating a helpless tune. I was silent, even though I wanted to scream and sob.
"Edward, what are you going to do?" my dad asked grimly.
I spoke for the first time, sure of my answer. "I'm leaving."
"Where are you going?"
"I just need to get out of here, Dad, I need to go away for a while."
"Think of your mother, Edward, think of what this is going to do to her."
It stung, but not nearly as much as the thought of staying here and keeping all of this inside and quiet. I needed to get out of here to escape it, to let out the monster that was inside of me. Nothing would hurt Esme more than seeing her son broken and bleeding. It would hurt her, and me, worse if I stayed.
"What did Bella do to you?"
I flinched at her name. Why couldn't he just stop saying it? Why did he have to keep using her name?
"What happened with you and Bella?" There is no me and... her.
"What did Bella say to you?" Nothing, she said nothing to me.
"Edward, what did Bella do?"
"Nothing, she did nothing! She took my fucking heart and she threw it away. She did nothing!" I screamed. If he wanted to fucking hear me yell and scream and cry, he was going to fucking hear it.
How could I have fallen in love with such a bitch? How could she do what she did to me, saying nothing, just shaking her ugly head?
Thinking of her that way nearly toppled me in the waters to drown. I couldn't stand it, it was eating me, consuming me. Because I knew I couldn't fucking hate. I couldn't think one shitty thought about her and I was ready to beat the shit out of myself.
Almost there, almost there, my mind soothed. At least it wasn't trying to make me love her anymore. But you do love her.
"Aghhhh!" I screamed.
"Edward," my dad said, worried about my outburst of pure agony.
The driveway was just feet away. Just drive faster dad. I looked into the backseat and found the backpack I had asked him to pack for me. I grabbed it, ready to make a…gimpy run for it to the Volvo.
"Edward, you're an adult, I know, but you still need to tell me where you are going."
"Uncle J's," I told him, deciding right then and there that I was driving down to LA.
"Edward…" I closed my eyes, expecting him to try to talk me out of it again. "You'll do what you need to do. Just promise me that you aren't going to hurt yourself, look me in the eye right now and promise me you will not harm yourself."
I looked my dad in the eye and swore, promised, and lied up and down that I wouldn't cause myself harm. There was no truth to my promise, I couldn't honestly swear I wouldn't. I had no idea what I would do when the pain really took its hold.
He pulled up to the garage where my Volvo was parked and I told him to tell my mom that I loved her.
Before I could get out, he caught my arm. "Tell her yourself, Edward. You don't have to go. Anything you want or need is right here. Missing school is going to hurt what you've been working for."
I pulled my arm away and dug my car keys out of the backpack. I swung it onto my back and got into the Volvo.
I wasn't stopping, I wasn't turning back. I got into the silver car and hit the gas, not slowing down or looking back for anything.
– – –
The drive was pure torture, a painful agony. I let myself think of how much I actually love that girl, how much I wanted her, and then I thought of how she took it all away from me, slamming the most important door of my life, right in my face.
A whole day of driving, I made one stop for the bathroom, otherwise Interstate-5 was all I saw. Portland, Salem, Sacramento, all just passing images. All through the night, I didn't even slow down, passing city after city, town after town.
The Olympic Peninsula was the only area of rain I hit on the entire drive. Everywhere else was dry. Forks was crying with me. Good.
I didn't get tired until my eyes ran dry and my throat got sore. I should have stopped for a drink, I was probably dehydrated as fuck, but I didn't care. My empty stomach ached in the most pleasing way, proving the whole point.
I was empty. Completely empty.
Finally the LA exits started appearing. Jason lived on the upper north side of the city – or J, I should call him, he preferred J. He was a lawyer, the kind you go to when you're in trouble. No, not parking ticket trouble, more like, "I just ran over my asshole neighbor with my car and I need to get the fuck out of the country," trouble. LA was the perfect place for him.
He lived alone. He was unmarried – really, he was just the complete opposite of my father. Dad prided himself on being a honest, hardworking, legitimate, forgiving, and charitable doctor. J… J was just out to take your money and be on his way. He was a portly, short man with dark hair.
I pulled up to his house about an hour later. The one thing I didn't miss about LA, the traffic. I grabbed my backpack out of the backseat and opened the car door, and was immediately harassed by stifling heat. I forgot how bright and hot it was down here. It had been a while.
I settled my crutches into place and raised myself out of the car and then realized the reason I came down here. My decision to come to LA hadn't made much sense to me from the beginning, but I went with it. And now, I got it.
Staring at me were two wide, excited deep blue eyes. "Eeee!" she squealed. Her reddish-blond hair flowed around her shoulders and her large, hardly covered breasts bounced in her pink bikini top as she ran towards me.
Tanya Denali. She jumped at me, not even bothering to be careful of my knee, but I didn't care. She was exactly what I needed, and I don't know how I failed to realize that.
"Edward, Edward, Edward," she chanted, bouncing in my arms, rubbing those barely covered tits right against me.
"Easy love, we haven't even got reacquainted yet and you're already panting my name."
She gave a breathy laugh into my ear then growled. "Is that why you came to see me?"
Obviously. "Of course not."
5'10" and California to the core, Tanya could put even the hottest super model to shame. She had overstated curves that made even my mouth water. And the best part, she was completely silicone free. Thin, long legs, a really nice ass, hips that were made to be grabbed, a long, lean torso, round, full tits, and a face that finished it all off with perfection. Tan, blond, tall, long, strong, lean, hot.
There was no being shy with Tanya, she brought every man's monster out…literally. She grabbed my ass, I shoved my hand down the back of her swimsuit bottoms and grabbed hers.
"Well, well, aren't you Mr. Handsy."
Fuck Tanya, please don't do your "I'm just a tease," bullshit. I haven't fucked anyone since I was here last, just fucking give it to me.
She pushed me against the closed back door of my car and I managed not to put any weight on my knee. Her hips collided with mine and she rubbed herself against me.
"You spoiled me you know, even though you were a virgin, you were really fucking good, and so big," she cooed to me.
Good, she wasn't going to play around with me. "Well, I'm handicapped these days, so you're going to have to do all the hard work," I told her.
She smirked. "Yeah, I heard about that. But…." Her hand went down the front of my swim trunks and grasped my thick, hardness. "I'm pretty sure you've got the hard work covered." She giggled and stroked my length.
I groaned. Just what I fucking need. Thank you, Jesus.
Just as Tanya was leaning in to kiss me, J came out of the house. "Ah, Edward. Your dad said you'd be here fairly quickly. Didn't forget Tanya, I see."
Tanya giggled and stepped to the side a bit, concealing her hand in my trunks a bit better. Like I said, there was no being shy around her. It's hard to resist a hand made of velvet sliding along your abandoned cock, plus, she didn't give a shit, why should I?
"Well, I told your father I wouldn't be around, but you were already on your way, so you'll have the house, kid. At least now I don't have to pay someone to baby-sit Bruno," he said.
Sweet Jesus, there was a God. Best fucking decision ever. Tanya's hand took a firmer grasp on me and I fought a moan.
My voice gave me away, but oh well. "Thanks Uncle j-j-J," was all I managed, before a groan rumbled in my throat.
She was so fucking good, a sex goddess. I could have saved myself so much trouble if I'd have just came here right away after realizing…
J gave me a knowing look then winked. "You kiddies have fun now," he told us, then opened the garage door.
Tanya giggled and purred, "Oh, we will."
I grabbed her hips and repositioned her so her jerking me off wouldn't be visible – even though it was quite clear what she was doing – as J backed out of the garage in his expensive Ferrari. As soon as the car was out of sight Tanya turned around again and pulled me out of my trunks.
She purred approvingly as she eyed my length. I grabbed her swimsuit top and tore it off her breasts, eyeing them just as hungrily, and giving them the same rhythmic squeezes and pinches she stroked me with.
I gave a greedy grunt, bucking into her hand. "So long," I panted. "God, I missed you."
She seemed to like that, quickening her strokes. "Am I the only girl you've been with?"
"Yes," I admitted.
It was hard to be ashamed of something that pleased her. Keeping Tanya pleased was a very good thing. I had been a virgin up until the last visit we'd made to Uncle J.
One very hot, very, very hot day while both of our parents were out shopping in the city, she'd come over to hang out in the pool. That was fine, Tanya was fairly good company even before our tryst. This was before my injury, when my ego was hugely inflated and I didn't exactly dislike the attention she gave me. And Tanya wouldn't be denied.
I hadn't realized how flirty she was being, apparently I don't pick up on those cues well. So, when Tanya just altogether got naked, throwing her swimsuit onto the deck, I was a bit surprised. More than a bit, I was floored, and embarrassed, I had no idea what she was up to, even with something as obvious as getting naked with me in a swimming pool.
Despite my blushing embarrassment, I couldn't help but stare, she noticed. She taunted me, teased me even, and then got handsy, finding my aching erection. Thank god she had been pleased with my size or we may not have been on the same ground.
I was a jock, fit, and I was smart enough to know if I did a good fucking job – literally – I would be getting laid again. So I gave her hell on that pool deck, even making her cum before I did. My weekend turned out to be a hell of a lot better then I'd planned it – and the uncomfortable edge of guilt and shame was handleable, because it made no sense. There was nothing to be ashamed or guilty of then and there certainly wasn't now.
Her other hand grasped my length, pumping me with quick, irresistible strokes. I grunted and groaned and grabbed her hips, bringing her legs right up against mine as she jerked me. My head fell back as I felt the orgasm approaching and I reattached my hands to her perfectly round globes.
"Look at me," she purred. I didn't want to, but she was right, I had to see her blond hair and blue eyes when I came…I inhaled her citrus scent. Sweet, but not too much, she was sweet and spicy…
I was in Suburbia on a Sunday afternoon, getting handjob in a driveway. To mend a broken heart…
– – –
Her soft, sweet lips pressed against mine, her gentle purrs of pleasure were music to my ears.
"Oh, Edward, Edward, I'm cumming," she cried happily into the air.
Her legs wrapped tight around my hips as I ground against her, her pleasure heightening, leaving her body quivering against me. Her back arched high, her head rolling back in the ultimate peak of happiness. Her moans reverberated around the room, bouncing off of every surface to come back to me. Me.
"Edward," she panted.
Her tight walls gave spasms around me as I gave her that joy. "I love you so much," I told her.
"Edward, I love you, I love you too," she cried deliriously.
She meant it. It wasn't just the orgasm that was making her say it, she meant it. My name spilled from her lips, only my name. She purred it, growled it, cried it, moaned it, groaned it, screamed it, whispered it. It was all the same, it was my name she called. She wanted me, she loved me.
As her back straighten again, she looked up at me with all the happiness in the world. With a devious smile, she pushed me away from her, rolling with me. She mounted me, still connected to me, not breaking our bodies union even a fraction. Her hips rolled, rocking me inside of her. I moaned at her, making her smile even wider.
"Say it again," she said.
"What love, what do you want to hear?"
"Tell me who you love, tell me how much," she urged.
"I love you. I love you more than anything, more than anyone. I love you. I'll love you forever."
She smiled at that and continued to roll her hips, driving me insane with the lust at the sight and feel, my love for her intensifying everything.
"I love you too," she said. "The same, I love you the same, just as much as you love me."
I pulled her down to me and her fingers wrapped into my hair. Her full lips connected with mine again and she didn't stop her movements on me, still creating a wonderful friction that was driving me insane. Her breasts and nipples drug against my chest with her movements, making her shake and moan into my mouth.
"Edward," she mumbled against my lips.
She knew what it did to me to hear her say my name. I dove my tongue into her sweet mouth and my hands grasped her thin hips then slid down to her perfect ass. Upwards they went over her smooth back, over her spine and shoulders and up to her soft, long, thick locks of hair.
She sat up on me and my hands went to her front side, feeling every silken inch of her skin. Her chest, her breasts, her arms, that tiny little waist, her skinny thighs, and that dark tuft of soft hair between them.
"Say my name," she said.
"Mmm, Bella," I moaned.
Her hands fell forward onto my chest. "Tell me you love me, Edward," she said.
"I love you, Bella, I love you," I panted.
"That's right, Edward, you love me," she told me.
"Yes, you Bella, I love you."
"Is that why you fuck me?" she asked.
"I don't fuck you, Bella, I make love to you."
She shook her head. "Oh, so you make love to me, and you fuck Tanya."
– – –
I was bolt upright in bed, panting and sweating. My cock ached from overuse, but it was hard again. It was four in the morning, she needed to leave soon.
I kept having these dreams and I couldn't deal with them. I found a way to push them aside for a little while at least.
I shook her shoulder, making her wake. "Ughh, what?" she groaned.
I grabbed her arm and pulled her naked body closer to me, then rolled her on top of me.
"Again?" she asked. It was the fourth time tonight.
We were on Wednesday already, she had to get to school in a few hours, and I wasn't letting her sleep. It wasn't her fault I couldn't sleep without having these dreams… she helped to push them away though. They were becoming more frequent, and stronger too.
"Edward, I'm exhausted, can't you wait until tonight? I don't know if I can do it again," she whined.
"Come on, baby, I'm hard," I begged. I need this, I need it now.
"Ughh," she groaned. "Can't you at least be on top this time?"
"I don't think so, it will fuck up my knee. Come on, get on and I'll help you."
She groaned and reached between her legs. I grabbed one of the many condom packages sitting on the night stand and tore it open, handing her the lubed up rubber. She slid it into place and lazy slid down onto me.
She was still mostly asleep, but I didn't even fucking care. She leaned onto my chest and I grabbed her hips and made her bounce and rock on me.
I groaned and moaned loudly, trying to wake her up. I inhaled her scent, pushing all thoughts of flowers and strawberries out of my mind. I stared at her blonde hair and watched her big, bouncing boobs. Her dark, tanned skin, her bare, shaved pussy, everything that I didn't imagine when I saw…It wasn't helping this time.
Wake up, Tanya, wake the fuck up. I need to hear your voice, I need to see your blue eyes. Come on!
I took a tighter hold on her hips, fucking her with everything I had. I was so fucking angry. Tanya started whining into my ear.
"Edward, that hurts, slow down, it hurts."
I growled angrily. What was the point of her being here if I couldn't fuck her how I wanted to?
I stopped making her move so much and just rocked her on me. Her muscles tensed and her thighs clenched, a whimper coming out of her mouth. I was being rough, rougher than I'd ever been, surely leaving dark bruises on her hips, to match the one I'd already left on her arms, ribs, thighs, boobs, and ass.
Her clenched muscles felt good. I rocked her harder, feeling the tightening starting to tingle in my groin. She gave a pained cry and it sent me off the edge.
After I'd emptied myself into the rubber inside of her, I relaxed into the soft bed beneath me, my mind finally blank. I heard her sniffle as she dismounted me and closed my eyes, not wanting anything else to disturb me.
The bed shifted as her weight was taken off of it and I heard her rustling around, still making sniffling sounds. "You're an asshole," she said, then exited out the side window.
Yes, I was an asshole. I knew that. Seeing her in pain gave me pleasure. Being the one to cause her pain, gave me pleasure. I knew she didn't deserve it, but that didn't stop me. I just wanted my own pain to go away, I didn't care who I hurt.
I fell asleep again, not bothering myself over the fact that when I woke up, I'd have no one to release my anger, sadness, and frustration into.
My buzzing cell phone woke me. I don't know why I didn't just turn it off. Sunday I'd received 20 missed calls. Mom, Dad, Emmett, Jasper, Alice, Rosalie… Bella… Jessica, the works. And from then on, the calls only increased. Monday, 50 missed calls. Tuesday, nearly 100 missed calls.
Mom, Alice, Mom, Dad, Alice, Emmett, Alice, Mom, Alice, Jasper, Emmett, Alice, Rosalie, Mom, Alice, Dad, Jasper, Alice, and again… Bella….
I don't know why she was trying to call me. Probably to rub it in. And what was Alice's deal. Out of everyone, including my mom, she called the most. My voice mail was full, overflowing. I had upwards of 100 text messages, but I refused to read them.
Mom and Dad were leaving messages on J's answering machine, knowing I could hear them. Alice somehow got the number too. She was crying, begging, pleading me to come home. She mentioned her name and I hit erase before she could say anything else.
They were making me feel worse. I wanted to enjoy it here, but this wasn't home. Bruno was an asshole, J's house was insufferable with all the traffic, the pool couldn't even distract me. Tanya was gone, refusing to look at me – and I deserved that and worse – and I was lonely and hurting worse than ever.
This wasn't working as planned. So, late Wednesday night, after dreaming about professing my love to Bella on rooftops – which of course meant me making love to her on a rooftop, panting my love for her and her crying it back – and waking up with the inability to breathe, I said fuck it and grabbed my bag. I stuffed a couple hundred dollars and J's spare key into the Denali's mail slot with a letter of apology to Tanya – a very nondescript letter – and notes on Bruno's care.
With that, I got into the Volvo and started home. I kept my window's down and drove quickly through the somehow heavy 1 AM traffic, though not speeding nearly as much as I had on the way here. I had 20 hours of driving to finally lose this pain, and I would do it.
She would not have the power to break me. Who was she but some stubborn girl. She was nothing. Nothing. I would ignore her just as she did to me and I would not let her hurt me anymore. Isabella Swan was nothing to me.
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