All recognized characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended.
This chapter has been beta'd by the ever amazing: Strae
As seven o'clock rolled around, I headed towards town in the shiny Volvo. I took the time to make sure my hair was shiny and not oily, tousled but not too messy, my face was smooth and not stubbly, and my clothes was fashionable, but not pompous.
I had a plan. Yes, a plan. I was on my best behavior. Hell, I even asked Emmett not to buy me booze! I was turning into the poster child Carlisle and Esme so longed for.
The party wasn't at Lauren's tonight, it was too nice outside for an indoor party. The air was damp, but it was fairly warm and for once, the clouds were a normal whitish color, not gray. I drove down the long abandoned road 'til it ended, finding the dozens of other cars parked there.
I got out and followed the sound of voices in the trees. The viney roots that crawled across the ground made it harder then hell to make it, but I eventually found the clearing.
There were several chants, or drunken slurs, of "Cullen!" as I crutched over the grassy ground, through the crowd. I didn't stop to chat with the people who tried to make conversation. I was on a path, and there was only one person I was looking for.
I spotted her dark, wavy hair and froze. Even from the back, I could tell tonight was going to be difficult. Her perfect legs were encased in a tight leggings and she had a fairly tight looking top on too. No doubt this was part of Alice's "coordinate" plan, as both Alice and Rose were in leggings and possibly identical looking tops, not that I was paying any attention to them.
I waited back, collecting my bearings. If my plan was going to work, I couldn't be falling all over myself like I was sure to be if I approached her now. Just as I talked myself into a calm, assured myself that all we were going to do was talk like friends, I missed my chance.
Jacob showed up and placed one of his meaty paws on the small of Bella's back. I growled, but stood my ground. Bella was my friend, just my friend, if she wanted to date Jacob Black, that was her business. I hated it, the thought, the idea, the notion, I hated it. But we were only friends…I hated that too. Just friends!
My fingers were griping my crutches with a death grip, my jaw locked rigidly in place, and my eyes were locked on the situation before me. If she desired him there was no way I could keep up this façade, I'd go mad if they started publicly dating. But I had to know.
I couldn't hear the conversation, but I saw Bella look up at Jacob and laugh.
"This is killing you, isn't it?" Jasper asked me, appearing out of no where by my side.
It was killing me. I looked over at him, gauging his expression. He knew the truth, that was obvious. I just scowled, unable to admit anything but unable to hide it. He nodded. Jasper probably knew me better than anyone.
"I'll grab you a beer," he said.
And with that, my no drinking plan went out the window. I moved to the edge of the woods and sulked, or wallowed, or I guess Bella would say I was moping.
I wanted to stay leaned against that tree all night, staring invisibly at the girl of my dreams, making Jasper do beer runs for me every time my can, cup, or bottle ran dry, but that wasn't part of the new Edward. The new Edward mingled, so that's what I did.
Mingling was a lot harder than it looked. I used to be good at it, now I had to force it. Ben wasn't as interesting as he once was. Had he always talked nonstop about wrestling? Marcus didn't once say anything remotely worthy of noting. Lauren couldn't hold a conversation to save her life, unless she was talking about Tyler or shoes and I didn't feel like listening to that. I ignored and avoided Jessica as much as possible. Felix and Demetri were only chatting about the latest scandals of Forks and who looked hottest tonight. So, when I ran into Emmett and Jasper, I tried to stay there, but Bella, Alice, and Rosalie showed up not long after me.
I downed the rest of my drink and avoided eye contact with Bella; I avoided all contact with Bella, not daring to take a glance for the fear of not being able to look away or who knows what I'd say tonight. She said hello, I said hi back, and we didn't speak again.
It didn't take long for Jasper to pull me away from the crowd.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" he whispered angrily at me.
"What?" I asked, pretending not to know what he was talking about.
"Did you find someone more interesting? You haven't even looked at Bella!" I scowled. Someone more interesting then Bella? I would bet on my life that there wasn't such a thing. "What is your problem?" he growled at me.
"Jasper…" I said, trailing off, begging him to drop it.
"What?" He asked loudly, incredulously. I just shook my head, I couldn't tell him. Jasper grabbed my shoulders and shook me a little bit. "Just spit it the fuck out."
"I fucking love her, you idiot. I've loved her since the ninth fucking grade, I loved her before I even met you or Emmett." I pushed him as I spoke, whispering heatedly at him. I shoved him back a good couple of feet until I caught sight of Bella's smiling face as she stood looking up at Emmett who was obviously telling a story. I sighed and put my hand back on my crutches. "I love her," I said quietly, looking at her beautiful face.
"Then why the hell are you standing here telling me, Edward, go tell her."
I got angry again. I shoved him back forcefully. "Why would I do that, Jasper?"
He looked at me like I just said the most idiotic thing he'd ever heard. "You are a fucking idiot, Edward. If you love someone, you tell them." He looked over his shoulder then and hollered, "Alice?"
I don't know what the fuck he was doing, but if he told Alice, I'd kill him. She looked around a bit then spotted us. "Huh?" She asked.
"I love you, babe," he said.
She smiled and replied, "I love you too."
He turned back to me. "See, look how easy that is."
I could have hit him. How was I the idiot? "Fuck you, Jasper," I said then walked…er, limped and stumbled away. I was apparently drunker then I thought because I had a hell of a time finding my way out of those woods.
With my original plan being I wasn't going to drink, I hadn't given Emmett the keys. I spotted my car and fished my keys out of my pocket and hit the unlock button on the controller. Just before getting in, I heard a distant, "Edward, wait!"
I knew her voice, even from a distance…and I knew her tones, she sounded worried. Was she okay? I stopped what I was doing and she tried to make her way to me quickly, but she tripped a lot. She emerged from the edge of the woods, stumbling like she was drunker then me, but I doubted that. I actually looked at her for the first time tonight, and I think I gasped at the sight of her. She somehow looked even more gorgeous than I imagined, even with her hair disheveled… and green stains on her knees.
I grabbed my crutches back out of the car and started in the direction she was coming from. "Are you okay?" I asked her, worried something had happened. If Black had put his hands on her…
She was touching me, her fingers were on mine and I was shocked, literally. It felt like I was somehow coming to life more than ever as her fingers touched mine, giving me a rush of something electrically charged. It made my heart race, sending the electric charge through my entire system as my blood rushed. And then it was gone. It was like shutting off a power supply. All of the sudden I was cold and weak again.
"Now I am," she said, holding up my keys. So that was why she had touched me… Why did she need my keys? "Get in, Edward."
"Why am I getting in?" I asked, not that I was fighting it. I'd do anything she asked.
"Because you've been drinking and I'm driving you home."
"Who put you up to this?" I asked.
"Just get in, Edward."
I sighed and made my way to the other side of the car and climbed in, putting my crutches in the backseat. She was fumbling with the seat adjuster, moving it forward as her legs were so much shorter then my own. When everything was situated into place, including her seatbelt, she put the car in gear and started making a u-turn.
As she drove down the road, she started laughing. I'd been watching her the entire time, but I have no idea what she found funny.
"What?" I asked.
"I haven't drove an automatic in a long time."
"Oh," I replied brilliantly. I'd wondered what she kept reaching around for. "You never answered my question," I told her.
"Which one?" She asked, taking the turn in the direction of my house.
"Who put you up to this?"
I noticed the scowl that she made. "No one put me up to anything."
I looked away from her then. I couldn't take it anymore. Something was happening, I'd set something in motion. I never should have said it out loud, I never should have told Jasper…Everything was about to change and I could feel it.
"Jasper tell you to drive me home?" I muttered.
"No, he did not. You've been drinking Edward, I wasn't going to let you drive home."
"Why not?" I asked.
"You know, believe it or not, I'd care if you turned this thing into a Volvo pretzel around a tree trunk," she said heatedly.
"You just missed my driveway," I pointed out.
"Shit," she said. It made me smile; Bella didn't use many words that were considered inappropriate very often. "Shit" was about as foul as Bella's language got.
She got the Volvo turned around and went slow so not to miss my drive again. "How are you getting home?" I asked her. I really hoped she wasn't going home…
"Jasper said he'd come in get me in a bit. He shouldn't be long, don't worry."
She parked my car close to the door and cut the engine then handed me the keys. I hauled my crutches out and got out of the car, but Bella didn't follow. I motioned for her to come, but she didn't, she either ignored me completely or pretended not to see me. I limped back to the car, going around the driver's side and opened the door.
"Come on," I said.
"I'll just wait out here for Jasper, thanks."
I heard her phone buzz in her pocket then and waited. She groaned when she read what I assumed was a text message.
"What?" I asked.
"Jake wants to come get me," she muttered.
I saw red. If he thought he could come here, to my house, and steal her away from me he had another thing coming. I pulled my cell out and started texting Jasper.
Do NOT let Jacob come here, unless you want to see me behind bars. I WILL murder him if he shows up. Send.
It only took him a few moments to reply. Its alright, hes staying to hang with Em. C ya in a few.
"Jasper said he'd be here to get you in a few minutes," I told her.
"Great, thanks," she muttered, though she didn't sound too enthused about the idea.
"Oh, did you, I mean, you wanted Jake to come get you?" I asked, trying not to sound like I was heartbroken. She didn't answer. "I'm sorry, I just assumed that you didn't want him to."
I turned to leave then because I couldn't look at her. I couldn't live with this… this… idea of her wanting Jacob. It made me sick, it was repulsing and disgusting to me. She chose the… oaf… that dog over me. But why shouldn't she.
She didn't know how strongly I felt for her. She didn't know how much I desired her. She didn't know.
I froze. I heard my car door close and I looked back to see Bella leaning against it, waiting. She wasn't waiting for me, but I still liked to think she was.
Screw just being friends, screw this no dating bullshit. If I wanted Bella, she needed to know it to make an educated decision. If Jacob could fall all over her, then why couldn't I?
I rushed back to Bella, going as quickly as the intolerable crutches would take me and stood directly in front of her.
I didn't even give her a chance to refuse me, I didn't gauge a reaction, I didn't even ask permission, I just threw myself at her. I leaned into her, probably too quickly and harshly and knocked our lips together.
The sad thing was, for me it was the most amazing thing. Just to finally have my lips on hers, no matter how sloppy and rough the kiss was, it was the greatest kiss I had ever had. And it lasted a whole 5 seconds and she turned her head away from me.
I was still being so forceful that my lips literally slid along her cheek and stayed there when she turned her head.
"You're drunk, stop Edward, you're drunk," she told me.
I pulled away, positively breathless with how badly I wanted this. "I'm not drunk, Bella," I said honestly. Just beer didn't actually get me drunk, just a little buzzed, and clumsy.
With that, I lost my crutches and secured her face between my hands, turning it back towards me. I was blind in my want, I wanted her so bad. I couldn't breath or think, I may have blacked out.
I don't remember anything but my lips on hers again. I don't remember what she looked like in that moment before our lips connected, I don't remember even looking at her, just blindly pushing our lips together.
I longed to be here forever, connected to my Bella. I wanted nothing more then to sustain myself on her lips, breathing and tasting nothing but her for the rest of my life. Her hands were on me, and I got even more excited. I slid my hands down from her cheeks to her throat, feeling the soft skin there and even her pulse racing, her blood pumping quickly through her veins. I traced the shape of her collarbones with my thumbs, sending tingles through my system at the intimate touch.
It wasn't until she shoved me so severely that I fell on my ass to avoid pulling my knee that I realized her hands on me had been pushing me away all along. Bella stood there, pressed against my car, her eyes wide and her mouth agape, staring at my crippled and fallen form on the ground for a few long moments, and then she ran.
I followed her with my eyes and saw Jasper's Shelby stopped just down near the mouth of the drive. Even from the distance, I could see the shocked expressions on their faces as they stared at us, Jasper's door cracked open enough to have the light shining on inside. Bella made it to the car and Jasper got out, pulling the driver's seat up for her to get in before he started towards me. I didn't look at him, I watched Bella get in the car, and then I watched Alice practically jump the center console to get to her in the backseat.
"What the hell happened?" Jasper asked me, then reached out to help me up.
I pushed his hand away and got up on my own, creating a delightful twinge in my knee in the process. I didn't even look at him, I just stared at Bella. She was trying to hide, that was painstakingly obvious, but she wasn't hidden enough to hide her tears. The light from inside the car caught them, making them sparkle as they rolled down her cheeks.
My heart broke all over again and I tried to move towards her, but Jasper's hand was on my chest. "Edward, don't. I'll take care of this."
Alice looked up and she gave me a small smile before looking at Jasper and nodded with her head, motioning for him to come on. I don't know why Alice smiled, but it didn't reassure me.
I made Bella cry. I scared her. I hurt her.
"I'll take care of this, just don't do anything stupid," Jasper told me then turned to leave.
I couldn't move. I was rooted to the ground, my feet wouldn't unstick. I stood there staring as they left, unable to take my eyes off of what I'd done. The console light shut off, hiding her from me, but still I stared, knowing exactly where she sat.
What had I done?
I ruined everything. Not only did I ruin my chances with her, but my friendship with her as well. I forced myself on her. Bella was hurt and crying because of what I had done to her. What was wrong with me?
I did something I never thought I do – besides forcing myself onto the girl I loved. I requested the advise of my father, or considered it at least.
I needed one good nights sleep before I could talk about this, if I could talk about this. I slept off the mild drunken stupor and tried to make myself believe that it was all a terrible nightmare, but alas, it wasn't.
The next morning, after we ate breakfast, I followed my dad to his office. He of course heard me following, but didn't think anything of it until we got to the door.
"You haven't played dad's shadow since you were five, Edward, what's your deal?" he asked me.
I leaned on one of my crutches and ran my hand through my hair. "I need to talk to you," I said. Then added, "If you have the time, I mean."
He didn't have the time, of course, thank God. I turned to leave before he actually answered and started down the staircase again.
"Edward, what are you doing?" he asked me.
I stopped and turned my head back to look at him. He was staring at me like I was his crippled son that had no idea what he was doing – but that was the case. This was fucking embarrassing. I hadn't even started talking yet and I was already making a complete asshole of myself.
He jerked his head towards his office and said no more. I gave myself a lecture about this being the only option and told myself to grow a pair of balls and be a man.
With that, I made it to the office and took a seat across from his desk. "How can I help you?" he asked me, very business like.
"You can take me out back and shoot me like the crippled idiot I am," I told him.
"Well, that's very convincing, Edward. Is that what you want? Did you come here to tell me you want me to shoot my only son?" He leaned back in his leather chair and folded his hands, his dark green eyes growing very disappointed as he looked at me.
"No, sorry. Dad, I…" He continued to stare at me with his penetrating gaze. He was a patient man and he wouldn't say a word. He would silently wait me out until I couldn't bare the silence any longer and just blurted what was on my mind. "I did something stupid," I said.
His eyes were knowing. He looked at me like he expected this. Of course he did, I was an idiot. I did nothing right, I messed up continuously, pleasing no one.
He waited silently again. I sighed. "I'm in love," I said.
This managed to surprise him. His eyes grew wide with shock and his chair popped forward, no longer leaning casually back.
"I-i-n?" he stuttered confusedly.
"Yes, love. In love. I, Edward Cullen, am in love and I fucking suck at it."
He just stared. He wasn't prepared for this. "Okay, hold on a minute," he said, throwing his hands out in front of him, making me slow my roll. "So you have a girlfriend?" he asked.
"No," I said, uncomfortably.
He looked even more confused. Then something crossed his face, and he had to work to hide the emotion. He cleared his throat and sat up straight. "Um, a…a boyfrie-"
"Jesus Christ, dad! No!" I yelled, cutting him off before he could finish. What the hell was he thinking?
He sighed and leaned back into his office chair, looking vastly more relaxed. "Thank God. Uh, well, I mean, it would be alright, I just-"
"Shut up dad," I said.
His rambling stopped and he laughed. "Sorry. Okay, now that we got that out of the way, how about you spit it out, kid. You used to talk to me, you still can."
"Yeah," I replied brilliantly. "I don't know what to say."
"You said you did something stupid, so was that the falling in love thing… or?"
"No, I did something stupid to the girl I'm in love with."
"Right. Well, are you going to tell me who she is and what you did or are we going to play guessing games all night?" I didn't reply. "I know all of your classmates, Edward, I'll start guessing if you want." Again, I didn't reply. He had to know who it was, he wasn't stupid.
"Okay," he sighed. "I guess my first guest would be Jessica." Or maybe he was stupid.
"Fuck no," I growled.
"Edward, watch your mouth," he scolded, then proceeded. "That was a heated response. She's always in my office, you know. I just assumed, with the way she talks and asks about you, that something was going on. She's quite inappropriate that one, always making comments to me, as well as about you. I nearly suggested therapy for her to her mother, but it turns out her mother is the same way. Poor child."
"Dad," I said, trying to recapture his attention as he pitied the town's crazies.
"I didn't raise you to be a coward, just tell me already."
"It's Bella," I muttered.
"Oh," he said, in a surprised tone. Then there was silence. "Isabella Swan?" he asked after a few long moments.
What other Bella would I be fucking talking about? "Yes," I sighed.
"Oh," he said again. I looked up at him, wondering what his problem was. Then his face turned grim. "Wait, what did you do to that poor girl?" he asked.
I didn't like the way he said that. Was he implying something, was he implying that she was poor? Was that what all his disappointed "oh"-ing was about?
No, dad isn't thinking that. He just wanted to know what I did to her; what I had done to her was what made her unfortunate. "I kissed her," I admitted.
"And?" he asked, looking as confused as ever.
I sighed and leaned my head onto my hands, digging my nails into my scalp. I let him have it. "It wasn't until recently that I realized I love her and it's been driving me crazy. She's all I think about, ever, I'm obsessed with her. I went through a bunch of shit, believing she hated me, but she insists she doesn't. I've been killing myself trying to make a friendship work, but I want more, I want so much more, Dad.
"So, I had a plan. Last night, I went to the party planning to behave and just talk to her, just talk and try to determine if she wanted more with me. Well, I was distracted as ever when I saw her… Anyways, I couldn't even get the nerve to look at her. I got a bit…depressed with myself and may have drank. She noticed that, and when I went to leave, she followed me and drove me home, worried that I would hurt myself." I couldn't help but feel even worse now. I'd been so much worse to her then I imagined.
I continued. "I was so stupid, dad. I didn't think. I was jealous, I thought, think– I think she likes someone else and I can't stand it. I wasn't drunk, though my judgment was probably impaired, so I decided right then and there that if she didn't know, she'd never like me back. I attacked her," I said. "I threw myself at her and kissed her, forcing myself on her. And I didn't stop until she pushed me so hard I fell."
I was disgusted with myself. I hated myself more then ever. Again, all the same questions ran through my head. What had I done? Why did I do that to her?
"Did you hurt her?" he asked me quietly.
I nodded. "She was crying when Jasper showed up to get her."
"Maybe we should back up a bit. What kind of love do you feel for her, Edward?"
"I'm in love with her, dad!" I don't know how much plainer I could be.
"Yes, okay, but do you just want to… Let me just put this in your terms and flat out say it. Do you just want to fuck her?"
I wanted to hit him. "No! I love her, love her love her. I mean, I do want…No. I'm in love with her, in every way possible."
"I was your age once, Edward. I know what it's like to think I'm in love when really all I want to do is-"
"Please don't say it again," I cut him off. I groaned. "Yes, I want to… be… sexual with Bella, but that's not why I love her. I'd be okay just to hold her hand, just to have her and know she loved me back. I can see myself marrying her one day," I admitted, truthfully.
It was the truth. I may have only realized it then as I was saying it, but it didn't make it less true. I loved Bella. And I didn't want to fuck her, I wanted to make love with her, however girly that sounded.
"Okay. So you kissed her, you may have hurt her, she may not have feelings for you."
My father was just asking for a bloody lip. Did he think I didn't realize this?
"Stop pulling your hair," he muttered at me. I released my hair and looked up at him. "Grow up," he instructed.
I gave a short, angry, bitter laugh.
"Life doesn't always go the way we want it to, Edward. You love Bella, that's fine, but until you grow up you need to back off. You've been in a downward spiral these last couple of weeks, and I don't blame you, I wouldn't handle what you're going through well either, but you can't drag her more into that then you already have.
"Now, your mother tells me you have been on pretty good behavior recently, even telling her you love her. That's an improvement and now that you've brought this to my attention, I think it has something to do with Bella.
"She's a good girl, Edward, don't ruin her. If you think that you haven't gotten over the unfortunate events that have been thrust upon you, then just wait to progress your relationship with her. I know it is difficult, but if you are only going to push her away after you tell her you care for her, like you did with us, then save her the trouble."
I nodded grimly. He was absolutely right. Bella was a good girl, a great girl, she didn't need my issues in her life. I still had a lot of changing to do before I would ever be good enough for her.
"That doesn't mean you should keep your feelings completely to yourself. You need to talk to her. First off, which I'm sure you know, you need to apologize for what you did, and don't blame the alcohol that you may have been drinking. Tell her the truth."
He was pissing me off again. "Oh, yes, dad, it would be so wise to go up to her and say, 'Bella, I'm sorry for attacking you Friday night. I was simply jealous and wanted to harass you with my lips to get my point across. I love you, you see, that's my reason.'"
My dad chuckled. Bastard. "No, son, you're right, that would not be wise. Something more thought out than that would be helpful. Don't be tactless."
It was my turn to chuckle. "We both know I got my tactlessness from you. I can't believe you asked me if I wanted to fuck her after you told me to watch my mouth."
He laughed. "Well, you weren't getting my point."
I couldn't laugh, so I shook my head. "I don't know what I'm going to do."
"Grow up," he told me again.
I couldn't honestly thank him; he'd hindered just as much as he'd helped.
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