All recognized characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended.
This chapter has been beta'd by the ever amazing: Strae
We were both silent as I drove out of the lot. It didn't feel right to ask her here. I wanted to see her eyes, her face when she told me. This was going to be the longest car ride of my life.
It just seemed right to take this back to where it got messed up so badly. The day wasn't nice, it wasn't warm, and the ever ominous clouds were threatening to drop rain on us, but still Mora Beach was where we were going.
I kept the radio off, a soft heat blowing from the vents, and both hands on the wheel, despite the nearly painful urge to touch her.
Not yet, I reminded myself.
Not yet, but hopefully I could hold her hand on the way home. I was having great difficulty keeping my eyes on the road as well. She seemed nervous and fidgety to me, my peripheral vision caught her biting her nails a few times.
Her note was burning a hole in my pocket and heavy like a lead weight pushing my foot against the gas pedal. I wanted, no, I needed to know.
Bella, do you love me? Do you love me, Bella? Isabella, are you in love with me? Can you love me? Do you…take this man?
How in the hell was I going to ask her? Maybe I should just say it, she'd say it back if she felt it, wouldn't she? It was one of the most generic questions, there was so few ways to ask it, it seemed simple, until you had to do it.
There was no question in my mind that I loved her and I knew I would have no problem saying it now. I'd already learned that pain of losing her because I was too afraid to ask and say it myself, there was no chance in hell that I was going to be afraid to say anything to her now. The problem was going to be hearing it back. It would hurt if she didn't say it, but not as bad as losing her completely.
I love you Bella, and it's okay if you don't love me back, I'll make you!
I nodded to myself. That sounded terrible. Maybe just a plain "I love you" would do. I wanted her to know that I'd still be here even if she didn't love me back though, I didn't want her to feel obligated to say it out of fear that I'd take off again.
I was such an immature little baby. Was I ready for this? Could I handle a relationship? Did I really want this? Was I making the right choice?
Fuck yes, there was no contesting any of that. But was I going to complicate Bella's life? Was I good for Bella?
Just slow down, you don't even know if there will be a relationship yet.
Right again. This was her choice anyway, I was just going to say how much I love her, she would have to decide for herself if she wanted a relationship.
My phone buzzed in my pocket and I had to work to get it out while driving. I heard Bella's buzz as well. Looks like the news had already traveled.
Don't be an asshole, Emmett. Good luck. Keep ur head n dont be an asshole, Jasper. Don't be an asshole, Rosalie – probably just Emmett again. Bella loves you, so even if she is too shy to tell you, she's told me. But don't say I said anything xo, Alice.
Rosalie and Alice both said she loves me. Rose would be Rose, I didn't believe a word she said, but Alice wouldn't lie to me. So Bella loved me. Would she tell me herself, or would she be, as Alice had said, too shy? I wanted...needed to hear those three words from her lips, if she felt it. I could be patient, I'd have to be patient.
Bella giggled from her seat and I peaked at her quickly, she was still texting. "What?" I asked.
I saw her turn to look at me and didn't dare make eye contact for the fear of never looking away and tragically killing us both. "Emmett told me to tell you, don't be an asshole."
I laughed and nodded. When I spoke, I was very serious. "Do you think I'm an asshole?" I winced and waited for the answer.
"If you don't stop making that face, I won't tell you," she said. I attempted to not look like I was expecting the worst. "Of course," she answered.
Great. She thought I was an asshole. But I was an asshole, I couldn't blame her.
"Not," she finished. "Edward," she laughed. I don't know how it was funny, it was mean. "I'm sorry," she giggled. "It's not funny."
"No, it's not, you brat."
She made a gasping sound. "Asshole!"
I grinned. "Brat!"
She couldn't do the façade thing at all. She laughed, then somehow went to serious again. "I don't really think you're an asshole," she told me.
"I don't believe you," I said with a jokingly ill-humored tone.
She hesitantly placed her hand on my arm and I flinched involuntarily – I don't know where those electric shocks came from. "I think that you are a really great person, Edward."
I had no choice but to believe her, I knew it was all just us kidding around, but she really thought I was a great person.
"I don't really think you're a brat," I told her, just to make sure she knew.
"I don't believe you," she said, copying my earlier statement and tone.
She still had her hand on my arm, so I removed that hand from the steering wheel and held it mid air, giving her the option.
Please take it, please take it, please take my hand, I begged silently.
Very slowly, her hand slid from my forearm, to my wrist, and her fingertips gently brushed along my palm until her small hand was completely against mine. Our fingers intertwined together and I held her hand tightly in mine, happier than I could possibly describe. Just simply holding her hand – at long last – did unbelievably strange things to my body. I almost felt like I was floating, my stomach was fluttering with nervous excitement, my knees were shaking, my head was spinning, and my hand felt like it was on fire! All of it felt so strange, and so good at the same time.
"So the asshole fell in love with the brat," I said softly.
She didn't laugh. "What a stupid brat," she replied.
I grinned; we both knew she wasn't stupid, nor a brat, but I took that to mean she was maybe admitting she was in love with said asshole. "What a sick, lowly asshole."
Bella's fingers tightened in mine and I heard a giggle muffle behind her closed lips. I laughed, she joined in.
I think it was official, we were lovesick fools.
I pulled into the small lot near the beach and regrettably let go of Bella's hand. I swear I made a powering-down sound as our skin wasn't in contact anymore. I made to reach into the backseat to find the blanket that was tossed on the floor somewhere, but was distracted by Bella's gasp as I leaned in her direction.
I locked my eyes on hers leaning in closer. "Boo," I said.
She narrowed her eyes at me and then daringly leaned even closer to me. "You don't scare me," she said.
I cocked an eyebrow. "You really shouldn't have said that," I told her in an threatening tone.
She didn't waver. I leaned closer and still she remained unmoving.
Don't kiss her, don't kiss her, don't kiss her. Not yet.
I parted my lips, letting my breath blow out of my mouth. I saw her jaw tremble slightly and her lips parted as well. This was perfect. She thought I was going to kiss her now, and I was really having a hell of time not kissing her.
Very quickly and very loudly, I snapped my teeth at her and she jumped. I couldn't help it, I laughed. She made a "ugh" sound and pushed my shoulder, muttering, "asshole" before getting out of the car.
She didn't mean it. I was only attempting at keeping the mood light, not letting myself be nervous for what lay ahead. Besides, at least she was disappointed that I didn't kiss her.
I grabbed the blanket and my crutches from the back and followed after her onto the sandy beach. Everything was gray and brown today, no sunny, bright colors to be found.
I spread the blanket into the sand and sat down, just watching Bella as she walked through sand, moving towards the loud, crashing waves. She stood at the edge of the wet sand for a few minutes while waves rushed towards her, just barely missing her shoes.
She turned and started towards me, a determined look on her face. This was it.
"It's kind of chilly," she said as she neared. I made an attempt not to look at her breasts, but my eyes made it there anyway. Yep, Bella was cold.
Stop staring, stop staring, stop fucking staring!
I drug my eyes away and up to her face. She was slipping her wet, sandy shoes off, stepping her little feet onto the blanket one at a time. I laid back onto the blanket and Bella laid by my side a few moments later. Without looking, I found her hand next to mine and she quickly turned her palm up, re-entwining her fingers in mine.
Just say it. No, don't just say it, look at the woman. I looked at her. Say it now. No, wait. Her head turned towards me and our eyes locked.
No more waiting. "I love you, Bella."
I wished this was like our easy banter where I could say something witty and she could say something smart right back, but it wasn't.
She seemed to be building her courage, or prolonging the moment, or drawing out my anxiety, or just trying to kill me. It took a few long moments before her lips parted, but nothing came out. Her eyes closed and her head turned away.
Damn it. It's okay, just don't lose your head. It's okay, it doesn't matter.
She needed to know that. As gently as I could, I let go of her hand. Her frightened eyes opened and looked back to mine. I immediately rolled closer to her, not wanting her to think I was pulling away. I placed my hand on the other side of her, raising myself so I was slightly over her.
It took me a long time to get it out without my voice cracking or sounding broken, but I managed to say it. "It's okay. If you don't. Feel the same."
Her misty eyes locked on mine. "I do," she said.
I gave her a small smile. "It's okay."
"No, Edward, I-" Her voice cut off there. She swallowed loudly, seemingly choking on the words.
"It's okay," I repeated again. "I can wait." There was conviction in my voice. I really meant it. I could see it in her eyes that she felt it, I knew it was there now, even if she couldn't say it yet.
She growled in frustration and I gave a light chuckle. "Really, it's okay."
"No," she said angrily. She looked so mad, adorably so. She tried again. "I…I…" She just couldn't do it, and I was okay with that, but she apparently wasn't.
She gave another frustrated growl and her hands were unexpectedly around my neck. She pulled herself up to me and her soft lips connected with mine. Lightning ran excitedly up and down my spine and sparks went off in my brain. There was no doubt that she loved me, her lips silently told me so.
It wasn't completely silent, I guess. Her parted lips closed against mine then parted again, making an irresistible smacking sound and a small, sexy, beautiful whimper came from her mouth.
"I wuv oo," she mumbled against my lips.
I laughed a little, delirious with joy and curled my arm under her raised waist, pulling her closer to me. She smelled so good, so unbelievably good. I parted my lips against hers and let my tongue taste her bottom lip. Her hands left my neck and moved up to my hair and she tried to grab it but there was hardly enough for her to get a hold of anything. She tried to pull our lips harder together, but she seemed to get frustrated with that.
Her hands left my hair completely and she gave a growl. I pulled back, unsure of what was going on with her. Her eyes were a bit furious as I opened mine to look at her.
"Why did you cut your hair?" she asked angrily at me. I was dumbfounded. What did my hair have to do with anything? "You have no idea how many times-" She cut off there, her lips closing tightly, and her cheeks went red.
"What?" I asked eagerly.
She didn't do anything but lick her lips, then she leaned up to kiss me again. "Whoa, whoa there, love, you can't distract me every time you don't want to say something by kissing me." She looked even more angry, blushing again. I kissed each of her stained cheeks then said, "Now, please finish your sentence. Why are you mad my hair is gone? How many times you did what?"
"Nothing," she mumbled.
"Isabella…." I pouted my lip at her and made a sad face.
"You can't give me that face every time you want something," she retorted.
"Please," I asked, trying to pout even more adorably. Her jaw tensed and she shook her head. Oh, I so had this. "Please Bella, I love you."
Her eyes narrowed and her lips pursed. I leaned in and pecked her lips. "Please," I said after the quick kiss.
"No," she said.
I kissed her quickly again. "Please."
"No."
Kiss. "Please."
"No."
Kiss. "Please."
"No."
Kiss. "No."
"Please. Wait. What?"
I laughed, extremely happy that I could confuse the smartest girl I knew. I put on my serious face then and stared into her eyes with all the intensity I could muster, trying to force the thought out. She wanted to look away, but she couldn't.
"Stop it," she whined.
"Stop what?" I asked.
"What you're doing."
"What am I doing?"
"You're…dazzling me, on purpose. Knock it off."
"Dazzling you?" I asked.
"Yes. It isn't fair."
This was even more fun then I'd planned. I dazzle her! "Have I dazzled you before?"
"Frequently," she admitted.
Good answer. "Do you love me?"
"Yes."
"Say it, Bella."
"I love you."
I grinned. Perfect. "I have no idea how many times, what?"
"I dreamed…."
Okay. "I have no idea how many times you dreamed…."
"About," she paused. I tried to stare even harder. "Your hair."
"My hair?" I asked, confused.
"Yes."
"What about it?"
"Grabbing it."
Oh fuck. Bad mental images, really, really good bad mental images. Why, why did I cut my hair? "I'm sorry I cut it," I said honestly, and sadly.
She immediately reached her hand up to run it through my chopped hair. "I didn't mean I don't like it," she started. "It looks good, it's just… different."
That had been the point. I'd done a lot of stupid, unforgivable things, things that I couldn't take back.
"Don't be sad," she told me, moving her hand from my hair down to my cheek and stroking it lovingly.
I put my weight onto one of my arms and caught her wrist with my hand, bringing her palm to my lips and kissing it. I kissed each of her fingertips before placing her hand back on my cheek.
"Bella, there isn't even an ounce of sadness in me. I'm so unbelievably happy right now. You have no idea how much I love you, or how long I've been in love with you."
Her eyelashes fluttered dazedly and she leaned up again to kiss me. Before her lips touched mine, she whispered, "I've loved you since you saved my life." She pressed our lips lightly together and I pulled back.
"Really?" I asked.
"Yes," she answered, connecting our lips together again.
God, I couldn't get enough of this kissing thing either, but there were so many things I wanted to know and I wanted to tell her. I pulled away again.
"I've loved you since then too. I remember thinking, 'God, if all the Forks girls look like this, I'm going to start thanking my dad for moving us here.' That wasn't the case of course, you're the most beautiful girl in the universe, no question." She didn't reply, but her cheeks burned bright red. "And that, that blush, it's drove me crazy for years. You still blush just as much now as you did then."
She blushed even more; her cheeks grew hotter and a tint of crimson was sent to the pale skin on her upper chest. I couldn't resist, I placed my hand there, feeling the heat, and also her heartbeat, racing.
"Do I make you nervous?" I asked her.
"Yeah," she answered with a quiet truth.
I nodded. "You make me nervous too," I admitted. I kept my hand in place until her heart rate slowed. "Mine does the same thing when you're around, and when you touch me… sometimes I think it's going to beat right out of my chest."
This seemed to intrigue her. She placed her palm in the same spot on my chest as mine was on hers. Her small hand had to go inside my shirt a little bit to find the right location and that did a wonderful job of making my heart race. The electric charge she emitted that near to my heart gave me palpitations like never before.
"Wow," she said.
I chuckled. "I know. That's what you do to me, you dangerous little creature. You're going to give me a heart attack, not an easy thing to do either."
She smiled an irresistibly alluring smile and I had to kiss her again. As soon as our lips touched, I felt both of our hearts start to stutter away again. Brave and wicked as she was, she traced my lips with her tongue and my heart was going to explode.
I pulled away. "Stop trying to kill me."
She laughed. "Serves you right."
"I love you," I said again. I don't think I could ever say it enough.
"Edward…" I blushed. She was probably getting annoyed with me already. "I love you too."
I could listen to her say it all day and night. I couldn't say it enough, I couldn't hear it enough. "Do you want to go out with me?" I asked her, realizing we hadn't even been on a proper date yet.
"As in out, or as in like…do I want to be your girlfriend?" She asked timidly.
Oh! "Both!" I grinned excitedly.
"Yes."
"To both?" I double checked.
"Yes."
"Dinner and a movie?"
"You already owed me that," she said with a cheeky grin.
"So I did. What do you want to do?"
"Does this count as our first date?" she asked.
"Do you want it to?" She nodded. "Then yes. What about all of our study dates? We could be on like date twenty or something if we counted those."
She blushed, and though it didn't take much to make her blush, I actually figured this one out without asking. If we were on date twenty we would be doing a whole hell of a lot more on this blanket on the beach then hugging and kissing. That hadn't been my intention in bringing that up, I hope she knew that.
"I think dinner and a movie sounds great," she told me.
"Great, are you free tonight?" She nodded again and my phone buzzed in my pocket again. "Hold that thought," I told her.
I pulled my phone out and cussed as I read the text. Don't forget your doctor's appointment at 4, Dad.
Shit. What time was it? If my appointment was at four, I'd have to leave by noon or so and I wouldn't be home until about 9. At least this was my last trip to Seattle, hopefully anyway. If I'd fucked it up landing on it the other day, maybe not.
I flexed my leg and wiggled it around a bit. It felt pretty good. But still, fuck.
"Unless you consider fast food as dinner and doctor's office television as a movie, I'm afraid I can't make good on my word for that date tonight," I said regretfully.
"Oh. I don't mind actually," she said.
"Bella, I have a doctor's appointment, in Seattle," I clarified.
"Well, if you want some company, I don't mind."
"Eight hours in the car, with me. I sing in the car, Bella, it isn't pretty. And I get grumpy after my visits, usually. Although, I should be relieved of my crutches today…."
"Really?" she asked excitedly.
"Yeah. And about damn time too. Do you really want to go? What about your dad?"
"I'll have Alice make up some lie. She's good at getting Charlie to believe anything." I raised my eyebrows at her. This was not a side of Bella I'd seen before. Lying to Charlie? "Don't give me that look, I lie all the time." Oh really? "Well, not all the time…I've lied before!"
I laughed. She was such an innocent girl and I was corrupting her already. She was lying to go on our first… second date. She'd skipped school for our first and was going with me to Seattle for an extension of the first. "I don't like it."
"You don't want me to come?"
"Of course I want you to come," Don't think inappropriate thoughts, get your mind out of the gutter, "but first I made you skip school and now I'm practically running away with you. You shouldn't have lie to be with me."
She rolled her eyes at me. "Edward, it's fine. Just watch."
She pulled her cell phone out of her pocket and made a call. Her eyes narrowed as someone answered. "Alice, how are you answering during class?" I could faintly hear Alice explaining herself. "Never mind. Will you do me a favor? – The keys are in my truck, drive it home after school, tell Charlie Edward picked me up to study at his house, and that we could be late. – No, I'm not at Edward's house. – No. – No. – No." She kept blushing, darker and darker. What was Alice asking? "I'll be home around…." Nine, I mouthed. "Nine. – Yes, please. Thank you. Love you too. Bye."
She smiled at me. "See, easy as that."
"Until Charlie finds out I'm dating you and he puts two and two together."
"It's not like we're doing anything."
"Yet," slipped out of my lips before I could stop it. Bella's eyes cast downwards and a blush crept to her cheeks again. "I'm sorry," I started apologizing immediately. I decided now would be a good time to put some distance between us and I sat opposite her. "I didn't mean to say that," I muttered, not really making my case any better.
She shook her head. "It's okay."
"No, that was really inappropriate of me. I shouldn't have said that."
She placed her hand on mine and said, "Really, it's okay. I like to know what you're thinking."
"No, you really wouldn't," I blurted, shooting myself in the foot again. What was wrong with me!
She blushed and looked away again. There were a few uncomfortable moments of tense silence and then Bella muttered, "As long as it's about me, I don't mind," and erased all of the uncomfortable tension and replaced it with the sexual kind.
"It's always been about you," I admitted quietly, wanting her to know.
I swear, even her palm on mine blushed, burning against my skin. I kept my hand under hers but flipped my palm up. Her fingertips slowly started to trace the lines and contours of my palm. Her eyes were watching her fingers while I kept my eyes on her face.
"We can leave now, hit some stores in Seattle before my appointment," I said quietly, offering her the chance to do some shopping while we'd be in the city.
Her eyes met mine and she stopped her memorizing of my hand. "Whatever you want," she told me.
I grinned and pulled my hand out from under hers. I lightly grasped the underside of her knee and pulled her closer to me. "You," I responded.
Her hand gripped my bicep as I pulled her to me. I involuntarily flexed my arm under her hand and blushed as she stared at my bulging muscle. Why did I always make myself look like an idiot in front of her?
She blinked a few times and her eyes looked from the ocean to the sky and back again before settling on me. "There is a bookstore I've been meaning to check out."
I laughed. Her hand connected with my chest and she pushed lightly. I involuntarily flexed again, this time my chest as her hand was placed on it.
Damn it, stop doing that! I told my muscles.
"Okay, brainy, let's go," I said and stood up.
I managed to get on my feet before her and got the chance to offer her my hand to help her up. She looked slightly vexed. "Do you think I'm a dork?"
"I think you're beautiful," I told her and leaned down to kiss her again.
She didn't smile, but she kissed me back. "You avoided the question," she pointed out after I pulled away.
I rolled my eyes. "No, love, I don't think you're a dork. I think you are smart, brilliant, genius, gorgeous; you're not a dork."
She, for some reason, didn't seem to like my answer. "You have to say that," she muttered as I grabbed my crutches and she pulled her shoes on.
"I do?" I asked.
She grabbed the blanket off the sand and shook it out. There was a moments silence and I wondered if she was going to answer.
She started towards my Volvo. "Why do I have to say that?" I repeated my question.
She looked over her shoulder at me and gave me a smile, but still didn't answer. "Am I going to have to force an answer out of you again?" I threatened, not that I minded doing the forcing.
She pulled the back door of the car open and dropped the blanket in and after she closed the door, I trapped her against the driver's side door. I stepped almost close enough to attain full body contact, but kept just a few inches between us to avoid crossing too many boundaries. I leaned in close to her and took a deep breath.
"Now, will you do me a favor?" I requested.
"Um," she replied.
I leaned in just a tad closer and brushed the side of my nose against hers. "Please say yes."
"Yes," she breathed.
I looked into her eyes and placed one of my hands against the side of her neck. "Answer my questions."
She took a shaky breath then answered with, "Maybe."
I slid my hand to the back of her neck and used it to tilt her head back a bit, angling her lips upwards. Their full softness was almost irresistible, I just barely endured not kissing them again. Instead, I placed a small, light kiss to the upper left side above them.
"You already agreed, you can't back out now," I said and placed more light kisses around her lips.
She tried to make me kiss her lips by lining them up with mine. I avoided them skillfully, kissing her nose instead. She was getting frustrated with me. Answering my questions made things a lot easier on the both of us. I wished she'd just open up and say it already.
She made a small huffing sound then rushed the words out of her mouth. "What I meant was you have to say that because you're my boyfriend."
I grinned. I brought my other hand up to her face and gently started tracing the perfect double curve of her lips with my thumb. "You're right about one thing, I am yours, but that doesn't mean I have to say anything. I'll say what I mean, not because I'm in some way obligated, but because I feel it and mean it."
"Mine?" she asked shakily.
I grinned wider and moved my hand out of the way. I kissed her top lip then waited for her eyes to open again. I searched their depths for a few short moments then said, "I am your boyfriend, but I'm not just that, I am yours completely."
She seemed to like that. Her hands left her sides and went to the back of my head. She pulled us together, joining our lips in a passionate, long kiss. It was her tongue that grew bold again, pushing past her lips and licking at my bottom lip. Not yet, I had more to say. I pulled back just enough to get air and words.
"Yours. Whatever you want from me, Bella, whatever part. My heart, my soul, my mind, it's all yours. I'm with you in everyway imaginable. Yours. Emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually-"
She stopped me by bringing our lips together again. It would seem Bella expressed her feelings in a more physical manner. That was okay, I'd definitely take it. I'd take whatever she would give me, kissing surely wasn't anywhere near the bottom of the list.
Her small body molded to mine unexpectedly and I had to restrain a groan. If this wasn't Heaven, I couldn't even begin to imagine how much better it could get. She was like some kind of drug to me, she made my body react in the most unnaturally amazing ways and I was hopelessly addicted already.
I pulled back once more, just to say it. She had wrote it, which meant she must have felt it, I wanted her to know I felt it too. "I want to be with you forever."
She blushed, looked down, and bit her bottom lip to hold back a smile. She knew I read the note after that, I expected the blush. She spoke very quietly, "Why did you not say anything before?"
That was a difficult question to answer, possibly a lengthy one. "Can I tell you on the road?"
She nodded and I kissed her once more before we started towards the Emerald City.
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