All recognized characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended.
This chapter has been beta'd by the ever amazing: Strae
The verses struck me straight to my core.
On the ground I lay motionless in pain
I can see my life flashing before my eyes
Dead I fall asleep, is this all a dream
Wake me up, I'm living a nightmare
On this bed I lay, losing everything
I can see my life passing me by
Was it all too much or just not enough
Wake me up, I'm living a nightmare
I will not die - I will survive.
The song ended and I sat there, breathless. My head was spinning with thoughts.
Everything I heard today suddenly meant something different.
Stop using Bella, Alice had said and even wiser yet, Pull your head out of your ass.
I did, and I took my first breath of fresh air and opened my eyes to see the light.
What did they call these? Epiphanies?
I was a selfish prick, a self-pitying selfish prick. Look at me go – self, self, self. It's always about Edward! Poor, poor Edward, he tore his ACL and now he was acting as if his life was over. Well it wasn't over!
I needed an education. I needed to stop acting like a spoiled rich bitch. I needed to grow the hell up! And I was off again, I and need – my favorite words.
Tomorrow would be different. Sure, school was still going to be hell, but I could at least try a bit harder. I only had to do this once and I had to do it right. Bella would get the appreciation she deserved. No one else would put up with my shit, they'd have dumped me long ago for using them.
Emmett and Jasper muttered their farewells, but I hardly noticed in my new wild musings.
I only have a semester and a half left to change my life. If I didn't start actually trying to be something other then a cripple, than that's all I'd ever be.
I turned off my iPod and laid down in bed.
Tomorrow would be different. I was done with the wallowing, the anger, the bitterness. Everyone got a clean slate tomorrow.
– – –
I woke early, optimistic. I dressed in jeans and a button down, feeling in need of more then just a t-shirt today. I actually made sure my hair wasn't mattered and shaved away the stubble on my face.
"Good morning, Mom," I said in a chipper tone. I kissed her cheek.
"What do you want?" she asked suspiciously.
"Nothing, just to say that I love you."
"Oh god, Edward, what did you do? Last time you said you loved me, the Mercedes was totaled."
My stomach sank. I was a terrible son. "Honestly, Mom, I just love you. I don't want anything, I didn't damage anything."
She gave me another suspicious look. "Well, alright then dear, I love you too."
She brought me a plate with toast and jelly and smiled. "Thank you," I said.
She nodded, but then shook her head, giving me a scrutinizing look. I ate my toast, thanked my mom again, and headed to school with my finished assignment. It was strange, but I was nervous. I reminded myself of the clean slate as I parked my car.
Bella was already at a table in Study Hall. I crutched to her side and waited 'til she looked up. "Can I sit here?" I asked, giving her the option to be away from me.
She smirked. "I don't know, can you?"
I smiled. "May I?"
She rolled her eyes and pulled the chair out for me. I sat and leaned my crutches against the table.
"I'm sorry to bother you," I started, "but I want to apologize." She looked at me with nearly the same expression as my mother. Disbelieving, confused, and I hadn't even started yet. "I really do appreciate all you've done to help me these last few weeks Bella and I know I've done a really crappy job of showing it. I want you to honestly tell me right now whether you still want to tutor me."
"I'm not giving up on you yet, Edward."
"Well, then I'd like to make it worth your while. Anything you want Bella, anything at all, please."
She stared incredulously. Then finally said, "I don't want anything."
"No, you have to want something."
"Fine, then I want for you to start trying harder and to stop being so caught up in sports."
I grinned. "I'm already doing that. I'm growing up, Bella, time to be serious. Now, something for you, anything!"
She sighed. "No, nothing. Have you started your Lit project yet?"
Fuck. Way to make a point, Edward. "No, I haven't, but I'm going to right now and I won't look away from my notebook until it's done."
She smiled. "And for some reason I believe you."
I had to prove myself. I threw myself into that project. It was simple really, I didn't even need the whole hour to finish. When I finished, I looked over at her to see her chewing on the end of her pen absentmindedly as she read her tattered, always present copy of Wuthering Heights.
I chuckled and she looked up. "What are you laughing at?" she asked.
I winked at her and said, "Nothing."
She narrowed her eyes then asked, "Are you finished?"
"I keep my word."
She grabbed my notebook and proofread my project. When she looked back at me, there was the strangest look on her face. "Wow," she said.
"What? That bad?"
"No, Edward, that was really, really good." And she was being honest. Everything I'd wrote had came from the heart. I'd always hated poetry, but sometimes you just have to do something you hate. "I mean really. What happened to you?"
I laughed once, then went silent. I looked across the room to the sign that read, 'Friends don't let friends drive drunk.' I looked back at Bella and said very honestly, "I changed."
There was something about her. Isabella Swan, there was something indeed. Maybe it was the way she looked at me, how she could make my breath short, my heart palpitate, and my knees shake.
Come on, Edward, don't fuck this up now. Concentrate.
"Like…how?" she asked confusedly.
"Honestly?" I asked. She nodded. "I heard a song and it made me realize that I was going no where and I was headed there fast. I got over myself, I'm done living in the past and resenting everything."
"That's deep," she said, sounding only mildly amused.
I chuckled. "You know me, Mr. Sensitivity." She gave me a questioning look. "I didn't like cry or anything," I said. I did still have an image to live up to.
"It's okay if you did," she said. And I believed her.
"I didn't."
"Hmm," she said and looked away.
I felt like I was losing her again. So I blurted, "I almost did."
She smiled. "Almost doesn't count."
I didn't get it, what did she want? "Do you want me to cry?"
She laughed and my heart stuttered. "No, Edward, I want you to be honest."
"I am being honest."
She nodded. "I know." She looked away again.
I thought. "Anything, Bella." She looked back at me. "Anything you want. A dinner night, a movie night." It hit me then and I slapped myself in the face. "A night away from me! That's what you want. It won't hurt my feelings Bella, any night."
Her face fell. "Edward, no I don't want-"
"It's completely okay with me, I wouldn't want to spend time with me either. I know I'm an ass and I promise to do everything I can-"
"I want a movie night," she blurted, "and a dinner night." Her hands flew over her mouth and she looked mortified. Why, I'll never know, but I smiled.
"You got a deal, anytime, anywhere, anything. It's all you and I even promise to have my homework done before we meet." I was on a role with these promises, and I had to make it my personal duty not to break them.
"Edward, you don't-"
I covered her mouth this time. "I don't have to do this, I want to, for you, because you deserve it and so much more."
Her eyes closed and her face pushed against my hand a bit harder. Before I knew what I was doing, I was stroking the soft skin on her cheek and tracing her lips with my fingers. The bell rang loudly and I pulled my hand away, nearly jumping up, but I remembered my knee.
Fuck, get a hold of yourself man! "Sorry," I muttered and turned in my seat to get my crutches. I didn't look back as I left with my notebook.
I was going to ruin everything before it even started. I had to keep my hands to myself, my thoughts and wants hidden deep away.
But the way she looked at me. She saw me, Bella saw me, for me. She'd known all along that I could come back, but she didn't push me. She put up with my selfish ways, my completely unfair mistreatment of her unwavering friendship. She didn't give up on me.
Now it was my turn to prove my loyalties. I'd show her I could do this. I'd show her I could be a great friend... and great boyfriend...
No. Friend, friend, friend, only her friend, I told myself.
The day went by in a blur, and Bella wasn't the only one giving me odd looks.
"Edward, buddy, how many of your pills did you take today?" Jasper asked me worriedly at lunch, when I actually laughed at a joke and received multiple stares in return.
"None, Jazz, why?"
Emmett stepped in. "No, the pills make him worse, Jasp, he's doing something else. What is it and where did you get it?" he asked eagerly.
I laughed, and it wasn't even forced, it felt good to laugh, then I got serious. "Emmett, drugs aren't good for you."
His bushy eyebrows knit together as he starred confusedly at me, then to Jasper. "What is wrong with him?"
I rolled my eyes at them and leaned my chin onto my hand, looking down the table at nothing in particular. But Bella was down there, and she caught my eye. She was somehow unfortunate enough to be squashed between Mike Newton and Jacob Black. She looked so unbelievably uncomfortable as the both sat with the weirdest positions I'd ever seen. Each of them had one arm, the closest to Bella, palm up on the table, just waiting there, like traps.
It clicked, I got what they were up to. Dirty bastards! I felt the strong urge to kill them both, realizing they were both trying to secure her hand. She could hardly eat they were both leaned in so close to her.
She looked up at me then. I tried to question her with my eyes. She blushed for some reason and looked away, but I kept staring, knowing she'd have to notice my staring eventually and look back. She did after a few moments, and she just blushed again, looking so uncomfortable. I motioned with my head to the empty seat beside me. Her eyebrows wrinkled and she looked utterly confused – not to mention incredibly gorgeous.
I mouthed, "Come on," to her and she shook her head a little, obviously still confused. I groaned and rolled my eyes, all in good humor. "Bella," I called loudly, pretending like I needed to catch her attention and making sure her trappers heard as well. I looked back towards her and started motioning towards the seat beside me. "Can you come here, I have a question?"
She didn't answer but she stood and grabbed her tray. She made her way to me fairly quickly, almost running from the football playing predators.
As a general rule, a well known rule that everyone abide by, the seat to my left was empty. After some prick hit my knee with his, the rule was just known and followed. I was more than willing to let that rule slip, for Bella anyways.
She sat her tray down and asked permission by hesitating. I felt the strongest urge to pull her into my lap, but since I couldn't do that, I smiled at her and after a few moments, she sat down.
"Thanks," she muttered to me out of the side of her mouth.
I laughed and looked down the table at Jacob and Mike. "Your boyfriends don't look happy."
"I have no idea what you're talking about," she stated matter-of-factly.
I laughed again, and I was surprised when she laughed too. I looked at her and found her staring at me, her eyes alight with honest happiness. This was so much better then the gloom she'd been in the other day, and she was right next to me. I wanted to hold her hand so badly. Well, I wanted more than that, but even just holding her hand would have made me the happiest man. Even just under the table, not even public. It would be so easy.
I felt my fingers twitching towards hers and quickly brought them to the top of the table and tried not to use the trap gesture, though I was curious if she'd take my hand.
As we began eating again, Alice – who was now across from Bella, seated on Jasper's lap – started rambling about the party this Friday. I'd almost forgotten.
"What are you wearing?" Rose asked from Emmett's side.
Alice snorted a dainty little sound of sarcasm and said, "Bella refuses to look at clothes, not until the day of." Alice gave a sudden gasp then nearly squealed, "We should coordinate! Rose, you have to come over and we'll get ready together."
Rosalie nodded – though not looking enthused in the slightest – then her and Alice started in on the most boring conversation of clothing that I'd ever heard.
I gently nudged Bella's side and leaned in to whisper, "Are they always like this?"
Truth be told, I would have said it out loud and not given a hoot, but I really wanted to properly fill my nose with Bella's strawberry and floral scent. And then she turned her head while I was still leaned in and I nearly just closed that small distance. Surely we could make a relationship work...
"Yes," she answered.
She agreed. She agreed that we could make a relationship work. Would she agree to be my boyfriend? No, no Edward, she didn't even think of you as her friend, remember! But she has feelings for me. You don't know that! She could, she might have feelings for me. No! But she's so beautiful, I could date her, I could persuade her to go out with me... No! She doesn't have feelings for you, and you don't date – and nor does she! Shit.
I didn't realize that I was staring, probably gawking, until she turned her head away and blushed. I leaned back to my designated seat, keeping an appropriate distance. Alice and Rose were still at it, chatting animatedly about skirt length, while Jasper and Emmett were fighting about whether the coaches last foul on Emmett was legitimate.
It seemed so odd. Emmett, Jasper, and I had always been friends. Rosalie grew up in Forks, when Bella moved back, Rose was the first to "claim" her, and when Alice moved in a year later, she and Rose grew attached at the hip, combining the three. Jasper and Alice were seemingly designed for each other. They met, they fell in love, end of story – they were so boring, they didn't even fight. Emmett and Rosalie...they were Emm and Rose. They were the couple who went from beating the hell out of each other and screaming, to making out and pawing each other's clothes off in a matter of seconds. They had a love-hate affair, but it worked for them.
But that left Bella and I. We were the odd ones out, and we always had been. It was more than once that Rosalie or Emmett had just blurted out that we should hook up, triple date, do the nasty, etc. It was compelling, I agreed. Bella and I should have completed the circle, turned the four plus two into the six. It seemed like fate to me. But the no dating thing worked so well for us.
If we didn't work, if she didn't want me, if something terrible happened, I couldn't lose her just because I wanted more. Plus, breaking the friendship between the six of us would have been hard too.
"So you never told me, Ed, what are you smoking...or snorting, or shooting, or swallowing?" Emmett asked me unexpectedly.
I could imagine the look on Bella's face, but she surprised me when she jabbed me in the ribs and said, "Yeah, Ed, what has you so happy?"
You, Bella, you have me so happy. I want you, I need you.
I grabbed her hand, that just happened to be on her thigh, and squeezed it – and her thigh – hoping it would come across as a friendly gesture and not some sick cop-a-feel move. Her thigh was so warm through her jeans though, and I don't know if there was a static charge going on or what but my hand felt a bit tingly on hers. I pulled it away quickly, realizing it was a bad idea.
"Uh, honestly, nothing. Just ask Bella," I said.
Rosalie gasped. "Oh my god! Finally!"
"Dude, fuck, Ed! Why didn't you tell us you two finally hooked up?" Emmett asked.
I realized they all took what I said out of context. Way to make me feel better, assholes. I couldn't say anything. I couldn't make myself deny it because I wished it were true. I wanted it to be true so fucking bad it hurt!
"No, we didn't hook up," Bella grumbled. She was obviously pissed they came to that conclusion. I was always dragging her into uncomfortable situations. "Lunch is over. Edward isn't high. And all of you really need to grow up. And mind your own business," she said and stood, taking her tray to the bin.
Jasper was kind enough to take mine with his and Alice's. I watched Alice run after Bella who was taking the tile floor at a quicker than normal pace as she made her exit.
I sighed and stood with my crutches. Emmett and Rosalie didn't even say goodbye as they left, too preoccupied with each other's asses. Jasper came back to me. He seemed to be assessing me again.
"Something is different, much different, but you are still...something is bothering you," he told me.
"Okay, Silvia Brown. Do you also see what my dead Grandpa Aro is telling me in the afterlife?" I asked coolly, trying to hide my emotions a bit better. Was I being that obvious?
"Edward, spill," Jasper said. I just continued to limp away, trying to quicken my pace, but outrunning an athlete on crutches was a lost cause. He easily lengthened his stride and matched my gimpy hops. "You like her, don't you?"
"I don't know what you are talking about," I said as evenly as possible. Muttering it would be a dead give away, yelling would probably be as well, laughing wasn't even possible – and actually spilling my secret love.... I was nearly hyperventilating. Love!
"You don't have to tell me, Edward, I can see it, I can feel it. You are like a ticking time bomb around her. You should tell her, you know."
I ignored him. I didn't need to hear this. When I turned the corner to the hall where my locker was, I spotted Bella immediately. She turned pure red when she saw me and as I passed, I noticed Alice flinch and wince, quickly quieting whatever babble was hissing out of her lips.
Jasper stole Alice away from Bella, though I got the impression she didn't mind one bit. Something was definitely going on here. After I collected my things from my locker, I stole a glance to my right, just to see her again before we parted ways as she had her "advanced" classes to attend.
Her eyes were closed, her hands still inside her locker though she appeared to be searching for nothing. I could tell she was taking deep breaths.
Worried, I moved towards her. She looked like she might pass out of something by the way she was taking those calming breaths. "You alright, Bella?" I asked quietly.
Her eyes opened slowly and she nodded at me, not directly catching my eye. She took a deep shaky breath, gave a light smile, then walked away.
I didn't enjoy my next classes, but I endured them. What made it all worse was that either Bella was not in my class or she was seated halfway across the room and I couldn't even look at her properly.
We didn't get the chance to speak the rest of that day and Friday was much the same.
Thankfully, my mother was gracious and agreed to let me off "parole" for the party that night.
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