All recognized characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended.
This chapter has been beta'd by the ever amazing: Strae
The day started off with a bang. A bang on my bedroom door, to be exact.
"Edward, get up now. You're going to be late for school!" my mother shouted through my door.
My alarm clock had not went off. What a day it would be with the test in bio, great. Being late to school, another great. Seeing Bella...
That got me out of bed, but then I recalled the fact that things were still weird between us and I slowed down again.
I showered and dressed and ate and then drove to school at a speed that would have gave Charlie a run for his money. I pulled into my parking space and grabbed just the books I needed from the seat beside me and got into the main hall just as the warning bell sounded. Several students rushed past me towards their classes.
I don't know why you couldn't be tardy for study hall – it was ridiculous. I searched out my desired seat, next to Bella and her study materials, and made my way cautiously towards her. She didn't really acknowledge my presence, not looking up from her studying, but she did push a notebook at me. I gratefully started scanning the same notes I had endlessly went over the night before. I'd forget it all by the time biology rolled around anyways.
Bella didn't say a word to me, she didn't look at me, she didn't smile. It made my day all the more gloomy – hellish was more like it.
I actually made it through the whole day, much to my immense surprise, though I'd been tempted to leave in the middle of my bio test and again during my Spanish class, among the many other times Jessica tried to catch my attention during other classes.
I kept stealing glances at Bella, who was somehow across the room for me in every class and at lunch. She still seemed distant, not even noticing my penetrating stares. Not once did I see her brilliant smile, and even when Alice started twirling her hair and giving it gentle tugs to get her attention she remained dour. I wanted to see inside her head, to see what was going on in her brain, to know what she was thinking and if it had anything to do with me. I couldn't keep my thoughts off of her, but that was probably only because I was in lov–like with her. I constantly reminded myself she didn't have feelings for me.
I drove home boredly. What in the world would I do tonight? There was nothing to do. So I did that: nothing.
I, at least, was able to catch a good night's sleep and wake up at the right time, getting to school with time to spare.
When Bella didn't offer me the seat next to her, I continued on, not bothering her with my unwanted company. I sat at the back of the room and stared longingly out the window at my old team shooting hoops in the distant basketball court. If the team wasn't holding my attention, the back of Bella's head was. Why couldn't I just read her mind already?
I accomplished nothing in the hour and jumped at the sound of the bell. The day passed, not slowly, but not quickly enough either. Biology came around and I stared at the back of Bella's head again, ignoring Banner's banter and trying to ignore Jessica behind me.
The scent of vanilla wafted closer to me and I knew what was coming. "Edward, I know what would make you happy," Jessica whispered into my ear.
I grimaced. Vanilla was not the scent I wanted to fill my nose, I longed for strawberry. Bella made me happy, why wouldn't she offer me what these other girls did?
Because she was Bella, Bella would never offer her body like these tramps. She had standards, morals – I wanted to break her rules.
No, that was wrong. But it would be so right to have her in my arms, to feel her around me, to taste her, to hear the sounds she made when-
"Mr. Cullen, would you mind joining us?"
I looked up to see the entire class at the front of the room, staring at me, still in my desk. "Uh, my knee…it hurts," I whined, using the excuse that had worked so many times before.
"Let me guess, you want to be excused?" I didn't bother answering. Mr. Banner shook his head at me and continued his lecture.
I collected my things and started out of the classroom. Somehow, my books ended up slipping from my grasp and falling to the floor.
"Stupid fucking shit…" I grumbled to myself, cursing the books straight to Hades, where they belonged.
"I got it, Edward," said that sweet voice that would always make me smile. I hated charity cases though, so I continued to bend for my own books. "I said I'll get it," she said.
I ignored her and picked up my books. My knee ached a bit from the pressure but I ignored that too. When I stood back up with my books, her brown eyes were locked on me, a scolding look to them. "What are you doing out of class Ms. Swan?" I asked in my best Banner voice.
I put a book in each hand and repositioned my crutches. Her hands left her hips and she reached for my books, successfully pulling them from my grip so I was palming only my crutches. "I have a dentist appointment," she said. "What are you doing out of class?" she asked me, starting in the direction of our lockers.
She would have heard my excuse in class, she knew why I left, but she didn't believe me. I still used the same almost truthful lie. "Uh, my knee hurts."
She looked me over, seeing right through my lie. Her eyes rolled, she sighed, and she shook her head. "I don't know why I waste my time on you."
I gave her my best puppy dog eyes. "Because you are secretly in love with me, Bella." It was a joke, of course, the most terrible kind. It hurt me after I said it. I don't know why she really wasted her time on me, but I could still hope – maybe, someday she might. I think I mostly said it since I was secretly… I stopped my thoughts there.
Her eyes got a bit wide and her mouth opened like she was going to say something, but instead she pushed my books at my chest and when I gathered them, she turned to leave. Her locker was just a few paces away though. She dialed her combination and opened the locker, throwing her books in and pulling her jacket out.
She slammed the locker and turned to leave. "So I'll see you tonight?" I asked.
"No," she said.
"Bella, you're not mad at me?" I asked as she walked away. She didn't answer. "I was just kidding…"
She turned the corner without a word or backwards glance. Shit.
Bella couldn't be mad at me, I couldn't have her mad at me when I needed to study. There was a test tomorrow in History, and Bella had the good notes. I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket and started texting her.
You were just kidding, right? Send.
No, was her reply.
Fuck. I texted Alice. Please talk to Bella, she's refusing to help me. Send.
No, Edward, you stop using Bella.
Using Bella, how was I using Bella? She had said she wanted to help me after all this crap happened. She had been more than willing. I'd given her the option more then once to back out of these study sessions.
What is that suppose to mean? Send.
What did she mean? Sure, Bella did all the hard work, but she'd have done it anyways, why not help a crippled man out? She offered!
Figure it out, maybe try pulling your head out of your ass.
Damn, Alice must be ragging or something, she was never that snappy with me. Maybe Bella was too.
Whatever. I traded my shit for my other shit and started towards my car.
What was I going to do on a Wednesday night? Homework? No. Studying? No. Go home? No, mom was there. Bella? Yes, doing Bella on a Wednesday night sounded like a good plan. Too bad that wasn't actually an option. Another night of nothing, fan-fucking-tastic.
From school, I drove aimlessly around town. I must have drove up and down main street eight times before I saw Bella's rusty old Chevy sitting at the dentist's office.
It was verging on stalkerish but I pulled up next to the truck and waited. When I saw her exit the small building, I grabbed my crutches and got out of my car as quickly as I could.
She froze when she saw me. "Smile," I said, referring to the fact that she probably just had her teeth cleaned.
She didn't, she grimaced. She walked forward, staring at the ground. "What do you want?" she asked.
"I want to apologize." I did, I shouldn't have said what I did. It was arrogant and selfish. She probably thought me a complete prick, a cocky bastard, She probably believed that I actually thought she was in love with me, like half of the schools population. "I was just kidding and I didn't mean anything by it. I am sorry if I offended you."
"That's not the point, Edward," she muttered.
"Um, okay, well I'm sorry than for that." Whatever that is.
She gave me an incredulous look then shook her head and walked around me. She yanked her rusty door open, it groaned loudly and before she could slam it, I caught it. "Bella, please, I need you."
She bit her bottom lip into her mouth and stared at her steering wheel. "Please," I begged.
"Whatever Edward," she muttered.
"Does that mean you'll help me?"
"Whatever," she said again.
"Bella," I said and I reached to touch her hand.
She pulled it away and said, "Same time, don't be late or you can forget about ever asking for my help again."
Before I could respond she grabbed her door and pulled it right out of my grasp and slammed it in my face. Her truck started with a deafening roar and it popped loudly into gear and whined as she backed out of the space.
What had I said to make her so upset with me? And what had Alice's point been?
Like Bella said, whatever. I guess it didn't matter because I had my study session tonight, with the good notes. I'd just remember to thank her a couple times tonight and be a good boy with manners and everything.
I drove home and kissed my mother on the cheek.
"How was your day?"
"Oh, fantastic mother, I learned loads of things," I said sarcastically.
She half-smiled at me. "You know you're not too old to have your mouth washed out with soap, young man. I don't appreciate the back talk."
"Honestly, I slept through English and skipped Spanish. And, Bella is mad at me. Overall, a pretty damn great day," I half yelled at her.
"Edward Anthony Cullen, you need to start taking school seriously-"
I nodded grimly as my mother scolded me. Little did she know, I had learned long ago to tune voices out and still pretend to be listening. How the hell did she think I made it through a school day otherwise?
"Your father is going to hear about this. Go to your room!"
"Yes, mother, but I have to study with Bella tonight."
"You're grounded, she can come here."
"You know that's not how it works-"
"I'll give her gas money. You're not going anywhere. Call her now."
Why had I told her the truth? Oh, that's right, because I'm an idiot. Oh well, it didn't matter, but if Bella wouldn't drive here, I was screwed.
I called her. "What?" she answered heatedly.
"Bella, I'm sorry, but I'm grounded. My mom said she'd give you gas money to drive out here."
"I can't."
"Oh, Bella, please, I need this and my mom isn't going to let me leave."
"Well that's your own fault isn't it." What was her problem? God, there was something in the water. Every woman was on the fucking rag!
"Yes, it is my fault that I tore my ACL in half and I have to rely on everyone else for everything. I'm so sorry for all the trouble I've caused you, Bella." I realized I was verging on whiney, spoiled brat, but what the hell?
"No, it is your fault that you take everything for granted. It sucks when everything isn't handed to you on a silver platter, doesn't it?"
"Excuse me?" I asked. Malignant, petulant woman child!
"If you're not here at six o'clock, I'm locking the damn door and you're not coming in, I don't care if you're a minute late. Take this seriously or I'm done."
"I can't really help it if I'm grounded-"
"Goodbye, Edward."
The phone went dead, and like a two year old, I chucked it.
I flinched as it hit the wall and jumped up too fast off the kitchen chair. I groaned out loudly as my knee twinged and pulled painfully.
"What is it?" my mother asked, coming into the dining room from the kitchen. I was bent over holding my knee. "Oh, Edward," she said, rushing to me.
"Just leave me the fuck alone," I groaned, grabbing my crutches and hobbling to my hopefully not broken phone.
"You are not too old for a spanking either, Edward, you better watch how you talk to me."
I rolled my eyes. It hurt like hell, but I eventually got my phone. Thankfully, it wasn't damaged.
"Is Bella coming?"
"No," I said angrily. My bedroom had been switched from upstairs to down thanks to the injury so limped my way to there as quickly as I could manage and slammed my door.
I heard the garage door open. Great, dad's home. I dug my iPod out of my pocket and pulled my jeans off. I turned the light off making my room pitch black and turned on some Buck Cherry to blast my thoughts away. I laid back on my bed and listened to the blaring in my ears.
For some reason, "Crazy Bitch" really reminded me of Bella right now. I let my mind wander and wondered what it would be like to fuck her.
When there was a crack of light shining through my door as someone opened it, I closed my eyes, pretending to be asleep. It was probably my dad, coming to lecture me. The light turned on but I ignored it.
No one pulled my ear buds out after a few moments, so I cracked an eyelid.
"Shit," I said, probably really loudly as the music in my ears affected my speech.
There stood Bella, staring at me as I lay back on my bed in my underwear, probably sporting wood as I thought about her digging her nails into my back. I grabbed a pillow and threw it into my lap before yanking my ear buds out and turning off the iPod and dropping it to the floor.
"What are you doing?" I asked her.
She turned red and looked away from me. "I should go," she said and turned to leave. For the second time in one day, I stood up on my healing leg and cried out in pain. "Edward," she gasped and rushed to me.
She had dropped to her knees in front of me and uselessly placed her hands on my braced knee. Her kneeling before me really wasn't helping my boner situation. All to well I could imagine her pealing my underwear down my legs and wrapping her full, parted lips around me, taking me into her hot mouth.
Her hand gripped my hip and she pushed me back. "Sit down," she said. I might have, but her hand was just inches from my cock.
Embarrassingly, I just stood there with my erection in her face, staring at her. She looked up at me a few moments later and I looked away finally, probably pure red. I spotted my discarded jeans. "Will you, uh, grab my jeans for me?" I muttered.
She crawled across my floor on her hands and knees and I think I whimpered a little. Her shirt was riding up her back and revealing the creamy white skin there. The upper edge of her red underwear was peaking out the top of her jeans as well. I closed my eyes and turned my head away until I heard her approaching me again.
I took my jeans from her and sat down to put them on. "I'll go," she said quietly.
I lunged forward and caught her hand that was just about out of reach. "Please don't. Please, please don't go."
I couldn't see her face and she didn't answer. I let go of her hand and continued pulling my jeans on. Once they were on, I sat back down on my bed and reached for her hand again. I pulled her down on the bed next to me, close to my side. I ignored the way she smelled so good and the way her touch tingled and the heat that radiated from her skin. She was staring firmly at her lap, her bottom lip between her teeth.
"Look at me," I pleaded. She turned her head slightly but didn't meet my gaze. "Bella, look at me." I could see the confusion wrinkling the corner of her eye. "Please?"
Slowly, her gaze met mine and I was shocked to see her eyes were a bit watery, the aftermath of embarrassment I suppose. Alas, the tears compelled me and I leaned closer and cupped her cheek. Her eyes grew wide as she stared at me.
"I'm really sorry, Bella and I'm going to try really hard to appreciate your help." I stared her straight in the eye, willing her to believe my words. She looked disappointed so I went on. "You are a really great friend and I don't want to lose that. I'll understand if you don't want to help me anymore."
She pushed my hand off of her cheek and looked away from me then stood up. I thought for sure she was leaving as she walked away, and it hurt. She didn't go though, she simply picked up her bag from by the door and brought it over to my bed. She dug a notebook out and threw it at me and sank to the floor about five feet away from me, leaning against my bed.
"Go over the notes and I'll quiz you when you're done."
She pulled her Calculus book out of her school bag. We had an assignment due tomorrow that I hadn't even started on yet. That and a Lit project that I hadn't started. Fuck. Maybe she'd let me borrow her text quick since mine was at school and I could do the project in study hall.
I opened her notebook and turned 'til I found the page with the correct subject. Her hand writing was so messy, I loved that. Her notes were perfect though. I read every last detail she had there, some of it twice. She needed to believe that I was serious or I'd be stuck on my own, no chance for a good college.
When I finished, she quizzed me and I was pathetic. I kept staring at her damn mouth, mesmerized by her full lips and pink tongue. I kept having to make her repeat the question. She got fed up with me quickly.
"Pay attention, damn it, I don't have all night! Listen to me, Edward."
I nodded and closed my eyes. I could do this if I couldn't see her, most likely. And what was my deal anyway, I didn't usually have such a hard time concentrating during our study sessions, unless I was in need of a shower – a me time shower, with lots of scrubbing. That's what I needed right now, a nice hot shower with lots of dirty Bella thoughts and sufficient soap.
"Edward!"
"Fuck, damn it, I'm sorry. One more time, please, Bella, I got this, I'm just distracted. My pain meds, they get to me, please just one more time."
She sighed and repeated the same question for probably the forth time. I caught it this time and answered it easily. This was easy if I was paying attention. When she was sure that I had it, she stood up.
"Wait, do you have to go?"
She gave me an odd look. "Kind of, yeah."
"Well, I guess if you have to go…" I mumbled, trailing off, and rubbing the back of neck as I stared at the floor.
"What, Edward?" she asked exasperatedly.
"Can I use your Calculus book for a few minutes?"
She huffed and sat back down. She pushed the book across the carpet. "What page is it?" I asked.
She groaned. "169."
I snorted. "How did I forget that?"
She rolled her eyes. "Because you don't care."
I ran my hand through my hair then looked at her. "Bella, I-"
"Don't even bother, Edward, I get it. Just hurry up."
She'd never been this eager to be rid of me. I really was an asshole, I guess. I tore a sheet of paper from her notebook and started the Calc assignment. A few minutes turned into about twenty but she was silent. There was a lot more problems than I'd thought.
I pushed her book back to her eventually and put the finished assignment on my nightstand. She was already standing, bag in hand when I turned back around. "Bye," she said.
"Bella! Wait." Her shoulders dropped and she stopped. "Did you eat dinner yet?"
"No, but I have to-"
"You know how Esme prides herself on people eating her food. Stay, for her."
Just then my door burst open and two noisy guys walked through – Emmett and Jasper.
"I'm sure they'll eat. Bye, Edward."
She rushed out of the room between Jasper and Emmett who were still talking animatedly about something. I grabbed my crutches and hauled myself off the floor and after her. She wasn't quite to her truck when I caught up.
"Bella, I don't want you to be angry at me."
She froze. "I'm not, I just have to get home to feed Charlie."
"I've known you for four years, I know when you're angry with me."
"I have to go."
"Bella, if this tutoring thing is going to ruin our friendship, I'll find someone else."
"We have a lot of different opinions, Edward, we just don't see things the same way. I'll get over it. I'll see you tomorrow."
And with that she got in her truck and drove away. I pulled my cell phone from my pocket and typed in a message.
Thanks Bella, for everything, you know…like my life. ;)
I sent it and smiled, anticipating her reply. Something like "ha ha" or a sarcastic "no problem, baby" but she didn't reply.
I shuffled my way back into the house and found Jasper and Emmett already at the dinner table, digging into the dinner my mom prepared.
"Why didn't Bella stay?" she asked right away when I sat down.
"She looked like you stabbed her with a pencil," Emmett mumbled though a mouthful of food.
"I told you she's mad at me, and she has to feed Charlie," I told my mom, ignoring Emmett as best as I could.
"Oh no, Belly-welly is mad at the Eddie-kins, Jazzy-purr, she's not in lurve with him anymore."
I really didn't have the patience for Emmett's crap teasing tonight though and the dinner roll in my hand went flying at his head.
"Edward Anthony, I am going to ground you for another week if you throw one more tantrum tonight."
I glared at my plate and muttered cuss words. "What's this I hear about grounding?" my dad asked as he walked in.
Emmett answered. "Eddie is being a naughty boy and Esme is punishing him."
A fork or knife would do a hell of a lot better then my dinner roll. Dad's a doctor, he could fix the damage. My life was hell already, what did it matter if I was grounded for another week?
"Emmett, one more word and I'm kicking you out of my house," I threatened.
My dad laughed. "Your house?"
"You know what I meant," I muttered.
Everyone was hell-bent on pissing me off these days. Bella hated me, Alice seemed to hate me, Esme hated me, Carlisle hated me, Jasper hadn't said a word to me since he got here, Emmett would have hated me if he was capable of an emotion that strong. God hated me. Yes, that was it, blame God.
"What is wrong, Edward?" my dad asked.
"I'm not in the mood for a heart to heart, dad, can we save this conversation for another time?" I'll admit sarcasm might have been leaking into my tone.
"Well, you look like hell, how many Oxycontins did you take today?"
"One, after lunch." Of course, my appearance meant I was a drug addict.
"Did you need it?"
"No, dad, I thought I'd pop one in for the hell of it."
"Edward," my mom warned.
"I'm not hungry," I said and grabbed my crutches.
I slammed my bedroom door a bit too viciously and thanked god for the attached bathroom. I locked my bedroom door, turned on my iPod deck just loud enough to be loud enough and not piss Esme off more, and stripped my clothes and brace off. I locked the bathroom door and started the shower, making the water hot enough to steam up the guest bathroom. I needed to escape, to be alone, to be free of the fucking reality that I was worthless and hated. My life was over.
These shower sessions always centered around Bella. I loved to think about her naked, I loved to think about her body, I loved to think about her pleasing me and me pleasing her. It wasn't weird… I was just a guy who found a girl attractive, she just happened to be my friend.
Someone pounded on my locked bedroom door. "Quit jerking off and let us in," Emmett hollered.
I wasn't jerking off, not yet, but I wasn't putting off my original plan for them. I had to get away from this. I hopped on my good leg to the shower and got in. The hot water felt amazing and I stood carefully under the spray, avoiding pressure on my leg.
My mind wandered immediately to some of my favorite memories of Bella. The one just hours ago came back immediately. I put it in different context.
She was knelt on the floor in front of me, staring my bulge down. She slowly, innocently, stroked her hands up my legs and to the top edge of my underwear. As she grasped the waistband, she looked up at me, her full bottom lip nervously bit in her mouth and her eyes wide with anticipation. I nodded eagerly for her to continue and she did, pulling my boxer-briefs down.
She gasped, loudly, when I came into sight and she stared curiously at my erection in her face. "It's so big, Edward," she told me.
I liked to believe I was big. I'd never measured, it was weird to me that people measured their dicks, but if I had to guess, I was probably somewhere around the eight inch mark and if I had as good of an eye as I believed I did, Bella's little fist would never make it all the way around my shaft.
No, her fingers didn't touch as she lightly wrapped her hand around me. She licked her lips as she continued to stare at my cock. "Sit," she commanded, so I did.
I was hard by now, so I wrapped my own fist around myself as the water beat down on my face and chest. I stroked slowly as my imagination Bella did.
Her hand didn't move fast, she was hesitant, unsure. "Oh, Bella, that feels amazing," I told her.
Her lips curled up a bit and she leaned forward and brushed her soft lips against my tip. Then she kissed it again. Her pink tongue poked out between her lips and she shyly licked away the pre-cum gathering at my head. She pulled her tongue back into her mouth and I could tell she sampling it, tasting me.
Her lips curled up again and she took a more bold lick of my tip. I groaned at the feel of her soft, hot tongue on the sensitive nerves. "That's it, love, keep going," I encouraged.
Her lips wrapped lightly around my head as her hand continued the slow strokes of my shaft. "Bella," I gasped.
She swirled her tongue around the part in her mouth and her hand picked up pace. I could feel the tightening in my groin beginning. "Mm, Bella, don't stop."
She didn't, she was very persistent. She applied more pressure with her tongue and sucked on me a bit harder. Her hand also increased pressure and tempo. I was a goner.
I actually heard myself grunt Bella's name when the first spurt burst from my tip. I tried to keep quiet after that as I emptied my balls against the shower wall. It felt so damn good to cum. In my mind, Bella was drinking down every drop of my spunk, eagerly and enthusiastically. She caught every drop, happily sucking and licking away all the residue.
My imagination dissipated with my erection. Reality came crashing back down. I grabbed body wash and cleaned myself then washed my hair. I rinsed off and turned the water off. I sighed. I was back in my self-loathing world of hate, with no Bella.
I looked at myself in the mirror. I did look like hell. My eyes were dark, cold, and hard – no life in their green depths, they actually looked kind of black. That suited me, black eyes. My hair was a mess. There was ugly rough hair that needed to be shaved away from my face, but I didn't have the energy or care to do it.
I sighed and scratched my ass and opened the bathroom door. The bedroom door was wide open and Emmett was laying on my bed, Jasper on the floor next to it with my finished Calc homework.
I walked to my dresser and grabbed underwear, pulling them on before removing my towel. I shook my hair out and dug for a t-shirt and some sweatpants.
Emmett sang along with the song playing. "I could be mean, I could be angry, you know I could be just like you. I could be fake, I could be stupid, you know I could be just like you."
I hummed with the chorus then totally got into the verse, singing the, "I could be cold, I could be ruthless, you know I could be just like you. I could be weak, I could be senseless, you know I could be just like you."
Three Days Grace was the shit.
After the "der-da-der, der-da-der," the song ended and some crap opera song came on. I grabbed my iPod off its deck and set everyone of my Three Days Grace songs to play and sat in my leather chair.
None of us spoke to the other, we simply listened to the music. I swear to God, I nearly broke down when "Time of Dying" came on.
The song changed my life.
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