All recognized characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended.
This chapter has been beta'd by the ever amazing: Strae
I pulled onto the highway and thought about my answer. I'd tell her the truth, obviously, but would she get angry or upset with me because I was a coward? It'd be a bit hypocritical of her since she hadn't let her feelings be known either, but being the male counterpart, I was supposed to be brave and strong.
Being it was a long trip, I figured I'd get a few minutes to consider my answer, but maybe she thought I was avoiding. "So?" she prompted.
"Before my injury, I told myself that even having a crush on you would be a distraction." I quickly rushed to add, "But that doesn't mean I didn't love you just as much then as I do now, because I did. I'm sorry for being so stupid in all of this, I-"
"Edward," she cut me off. Her hand found mine and held it tightly. "Don't apologize, just tell me the truth. No apologies."
I nodded, then said, "Wait, I want to apologize for something. I'm so, so sorry for leaving Bella, I shouldn't have ran away-"
She cut me off again. "Edward, we both know that was my fault."
"Absolutely not. I ran away. I was so immature. I didn't even tell you how I felt, I just-"
"Stop! It's done, in the past, you're here now."
"So are you," I pointed out and gave her hand a squeeze.
She squeezed back. "Do you want to continue or talk about something else?"
"After this," I restarted, motioning to my knee, "things got more difficult. You know how I was. Anyways, I didn't let myself realize I was in love with you for a long time, I pushed my feelings aside. We started spending more time together and the inevitable happened." She gave a light laugh. "The love I feel for you came crashing into my world like a meteor, suddenly everything was bright, on fire. And then, when I left, it was dark again."
She pulled my hand into her lap and placed her other hand on it, holding my much larger hand in her two small ones. I pushed the grim, sadness from my mind and continued with my explanation. "So, I realized I love you. I didn't tell you or do anything for a while because I was deathly afraid of being rejected. Someone as good, as kind, as loving and gentle as you are couldn't possibly have feelings for me, the stupid, lowly asshole who had more problems than you can count on two hands."
"Edward," she said in a scolding tone.
I gave her a small smile. "I was a coward, that's my grand reason. I'm still a coward, but I'm not lying to you or myself anymore. Anything you want to know, I'll tell you. Anything you should know, I'll tell you, unless I think it'll hurt you. Then I'll keep it to myself."
"No," she said, "don't keep secrets. I want to know everything."
I can't tell you everything, because I'm a coward. There are things I'm too afraid to tell you, love, things that will hurt you and I'm afraid of what you'll do when you find out. "Will you tell me why you didn't say anything?"
She gave a sarcastic sound of disbelief. "Edward, I don't even tell my dad I love him," she admitted. "I'm more of a suffer in silence type."
"Love is suffering?" I asked. Of course, I knew what she meant and I was just pulling her leg. I laughed when she started to babble out an explanation for that one. "Shh, it's okay, I'm just kidding. I know what you mean. I'm a very lucky guy then, aren't I?"
"Lucky?" she asked, confused. "Oh, like you found a girl who doesn't want to talk about her feelings."
"No," I clarified, "I mean, I'm lucky to be the one to watch you open up. Starting now. Besides you being a tight, closed little book, why didn't you tell me? Why didn't Alice tell me? Jasper knew, I would assume him and Alice were having little discussions about this."
"I would have killed her if she told you, I told her so. She was under strict orders to keep my classified information to herself. She's my best friend, and family at that. She knows better than to betray my trust. Besides, Alice has her own way of working. She knew we'd get here eventually. Even after everything, I'm glad she didn't tell you. Now you know."
I grinned to myself. Little did she know…. "So, keep going. You didn't answer all my questions."
She sighed. "Did you really expect me to admit that I love you out of no where?"
"Expect, no. Hope, yes. Bella, will you promise me something?"
"I'm not falling for that again. What do you want?"
I had to chuckle. "Just promise me that you will tell me what you're feeling from now on. I can never tell with you, you're impossible for me to read."
"Right now, I'm happy, excited, in love. Can't you see that?"
"Yes, I suppose I can, but I never know if I'm projecting my own feelings onto you, confusing the two."
"Nope, I have my own feelings, they just happen to be the same ones you have."
Smart ass. "If you wouldn't have been too shy or weren't a feelings hider, would you have told me?"
She gave that some honest thought. "No," she answered. "You might think you're a coward, but you're a lion, Edward. Even when you tried to show me how you felt, I just… ignored it, wrote it off. You have me panned out to be something I'm not. I'm just a coward. But you, you are brave and you are the kind and loving one. I didn't believe you could love me, not you. You always say, 'I'm Edward Cullen,' and you are. And I'm just Bella."
"Explain," I prodded, getting frustrated.
She sighed. "You're funny, and charming, and… and… handsome. I'm… not. You're cocky, arrogant, and self-assured… I'm not. You're unbelievably good looking, I'm plain."
"Okay, I wasn't going to interrupt, but you're being ridiculous. Bella, the way you regard me is positively ludicrous."
"I feel the same way about how you regard me."
I sighed. "Then we'll agree to disagree, but you are the farthest thing from plain, Isabella Swan."
I think she was going to retort, but she seemed to decide better of it and kept her comment to herself. We sat in a comfortable silence and she started idly playing with my fingers. Something she had said brought a grin to my lips. I knew I was being an arrogant ass again, but I hearing her admit it was very pleasing.
"Unbelievably good looking, huh?"
She laughed. "Extraordinarily so. If you repeat this, I'll hurt you, but even Rosalie says you're too gorgeous to be human."
I full out laughed at that one. "Perfect pair then, aren't we?" I asked, bouncing my wrist against her thigh.
She didn't answer. We were silent for a few more minutes, then Bella said, "I thought you sing in the car."
I shook my head. "I'm sparing you."
"And if I want to hear?" she asked.
"No," I said, point blank.
We drove through Port Angeles right around lunch time, and though I insisted on taking her to La Bella Italia, she forced me to go to McDonalds instead, saying that she would really rather have time to stop at the bookstore. So we went under the golden arches and ordered out of the window. I made her promise to let me take her out for dinner in Seattle.
I drove and ate – not an easy task. I got Mac sauce all over my shirt, which Bella found hilarious. I gave her dirty looks for laughing at me and she made up for it by feeding me French fries. Her lips were stained red from the cherry Slurpee she had ordered and I had a mental flash of her sucking on that popsicle, then suppressed a groan as my jeans grew unbearably tight.
It was a long hour of me trying to keep my thoughts clean. First it was the red lips, then she leaned against the center console telling me about how terrible her latest shift at Netwon's Olympic Outfitters had been. I didn't hear most of her story, my ears refused to listen as my eyes took turns watching the road and the soft, fair skin of her nearly exposed chest. And finally, she leaned back into her seat, getting comfortable, spreading her jean clad thighs.
My toes curled and uncurled in my shoes as my cock throbbed in my jeans. Why was it so difficult to keep thoughts clean around Bella? She was just too fucking alluring. Those lips, those eyes, that hair, her smell, her warm hand on my arm… her hand grasping my thigh and inching upwards….
Stop it! Agh. Shit. Okay. Clouds, rain, wet… wet Bella. No. Green, roots, trees, tree tops, looking down Bella's top. No! Dirt, gravel, sand, Mississippi, Kentucky, Vancouver, Italy-
"Are you okay?" she asked me, stopping my thoughts, just as they began to work.
"Yep."
"Oh, you're quiet. Am I boring you?"
"Not at all." Keep it together! "You work this weekend?"
"I work every weekend. Noon 'til closing on Saturday, eight 'til noon on Sunday. Why?"
Fucking Newton. He got to spend every weekend with Bella. "Just making plans."
"Oh?"
"Maybe we can do something Friday night?" There was a party, as always, but that wasn't what I had in mind.
"Yeah, that sounds good."
"And I still need my tutor."
She laughed. "Whenever you want."
We made quiet banter with each other for the rest of the ride, occasionally both of us were thoughtfully silent, just enjoying each other's presence. I managed to keep my mind clean; mostly we talked of nothing holding any importance but it was all incredibly interesting to me.
Seattle drew nearer and nearer, arriving impossibly fast. I knew exactly where the mall was that Bella said the bookstore was in and we pulled into the lot about an hour and half before my appointment. That was enough time for her to at least look around in there.
"I can't wait to be rid of these," I groaned, pulling my crutches from the backseat. She gave me a supportive smile and walked close by my side as we entered the mall. "I can't even hold your hand," I muttered.
"It's okay," she reassured.
"Do you want to hold my hand in public?" I asked her.
"Why wouldn't I?"
She was giving me a suspicious look. I shrugged. "You just don't seem the PDA type. I guess I'm actually curious whether you want to 'go public' or not?"
Her eyes moved to the ground and she kept them there as she continued towards the store. What did that mean? Did she not want to date me in public? I guess that was okay, for now, we could keep this between us, though most of Forks probably already knew. Or did she think that I had asked because I didn't want to? She was so frustrating.
"Okay, stop," I said, stopping in the middle of the wide aisle.
"What is it? Are you okay?" she asked.
"I'm fine. Come here." She moved towards me and I leaned my crutches against a bench to my left and grabbed Bella's shoulders, pulling her closer to me. Her eyes wouldn't meet mine. "Look at me," I pleaded.
It took a few long moments, but her eyes did eventually meet mine. "We're going to practice that feelings sharing thing right now," I told her. She seemed to expect that, she didn't react. "What are you thinking?" I asked longingly.
"Nothing," she replied.
I growled. "Damn it, Bella, stop being so unbearably frustrating. Tell me exactly why you looked away from me when I asked that question."
She shrugged. "I didn't want to trip."
Liar! She's lying to me. "You are the most terrible liar I've ever seen, no wonder you make Alice do your bidding."
She scowled. "Why did you ask?" she muttered.
"Because I don't know what you're thinking. Bella, I don't ask you things because I'm not sure of myself, I ask because I have no idea what you want. I love you, and I'll gladly tattoo 'Property Of: Isabella Swan' on my forehead. I don't know what you want though, love, you need to tell me!"
I knew I was ranting, but she was just so difficult. She seemed upset by my little rant. I felt terrible. I pulled her into my arms and began apologizing.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have went off like that, that was wrong of me."
"I'm trying," she muttered into my chest.
I stroked her long hair. "I know you are, I know. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say it like that. I'll be patient. We'll keep this to ourselves until you're sure."
She pushed back from me. "What do you mean?" she asked me. "Edward, I'm sure. I want you, I love you."
I nodded. "I know, I just mean until you're ready."
"I never said I wasn't ready. Do you really want everyone to know that you are dating me?"
"More then anything," I declared.
Her whole body relaxed into my arms with a sigh. "I love you and I don't care who knows it, as long as you do."
"I do."
I did know that she loved me, but she still didn't love me enough to just tell me what she wants, or trust me, whichever. I didn't blame her. I left her, I hurt her – I had to earn her complete love and trust. I knew I had to earn her forgiveness too, for what I had done. We'd just barely started and I was already deathly afraid of being without her. How was I going to tell her about what I'd done? Hiding it was wrong, she deserved to know, but how could I tell her something like that?
"Here it is," she said, turning into the large store. I followed her in and she went straight for the romance section.
I eluded that section, I doubt Bella needed me hovering, and starting just browsing aisles. Taxes 101, Dog Whisperer, Pendragon, The Lost Symbol, Dating For Dummies. I had to chuckle at that one, though I made the mistake of continuing down that aisle. Sex For Dummies, Fabulous Foreplay, The Complete Idiot's Guide To Amazing Sex, The Orgasm Bible.
Oh god, just stop looking. I couldn't! Squirms, Screams, and Squirts, 101 Sex Positions-
"Edward!"
Fuck! Nothing like getting caught in the sex section of a bookstore by your girlfriend of… oh… five hours.
She laughed when I turned around. I knew for damn sure that I was blushing dark enough to contest with Bella herself.
And just as I thought it couldn't get any worse, a middle aged female employee entered the aisle. "Can I help you two find something?"
"No," I said very quickly, my voice high with nervousness.
Bella was snickering away as I tried to make a run for it, but by now I knew there was no escaping anything quickly when you depended on two pieces of metal under your arms as a leg.
"Did you find what you were looking for?" she asked me through her giggles.
"I wasn't looking for anything," I grumbled.
"You were staring awfully hard not to be looking for anything," she said, giggling some more at my embarrassment.
"I wasn't looking for anything, just browsing the entire selection in the store. Did you find what you were looking for?"
"Yes, I did, thank you. I left them at the counter while I came to find you."
"I'm never coming in a bookstore again," I griped.
"Aww, Edward," she sang. If it weren't for the embarrassment, I would have smiled.
Her hand brushed against my lower back and I instinctively flinched away from it. I didn't mean to, it's just that when I'm in a mood – embarrassment included – I shrank away from physical contact. I'd never have purposely moved away from the exquisite touch of Bella, but she didn't know that.
"Sorry," she muttered from by my side, staring at her shoes as we shuffled along.
Damn it. I sighed and stopped. We were in a secluded aisle of books. I leaned my crutches against a shelf and reached for her, grabbing her t-shirt. Don't be rough, I tried to remind myself.
I didn't succeed. I pulled Bella closely and roughly against me, making her yelp in surprise. I bent down and inhaled her intoxicating scent. I caught her wrists and wrapped her hands around my back and then wrapped my own arms around her shoulders. I leaned down further and nuzzled my face against the side of her head, burying myself in her hair and smell.
"What are you doing?" she whispered.
"You wouldn't understand," I said.
This was my happy place, this was the place I came even when I couldn't. My Bella, officially. I hugged her warm body tighter to me. Had she not been so short, this wouldn't have worked. I had to bend down quite a ways, which thankfully averted my expanded jeans. Her pert little breasts weren't averted though, those were held nice and tight to my chest.
This was going to be some supreme shower material for later.
Sick fuck. I know.
"Um…."
"Am I hurting you?" I asked her.
"No," she responded.
"Can I please just hold you a few more minutes?" I begged.
She made a funny sound, then her fingers curled in against my back, holding me tighter. I suppressed a groan and reminded myself that this was shower material, not public store jeans material. I sighed, taking deep breaths.
This was it, there was no turning back for me. I knew all along that she was the only person I was ever going to want, need, love, but this moment was where it became concrete and I knew I'd die without her. It was like our souls suddenly melded to one, soldering together with an inseparable bond.
"I love you," I breathed into her ear.
She made an odd sound again and her fingers curled in tighter, grasping my shirt. It was hardly a whisper, barely louder than a breath, but she said, "I love you too."
We stayed there like that until I was so perfectly at ease I could have just went to sleep right then. I don't know if anyone entered or passed the aisle, if they did, they didn't disturb us. I was too absorbed in our envelopment of each other to notice anything else.
Although Bella's fingers were still gripping tightly at my shirt, I apologized and tried to give her some breathing room. Poor girl, I was already smothering her.
She didn't let me move away. "Just a little longer," she pleaded.
I willingly obliged. I pressed my lips to her neck for the first time. With her mouth so close to my ear, I heard her gasp. I pulled my lips away from her skin, afraid that she didn't like it. Her head turned towards me, bringing our lips close enough together for me to already feel the electricity rolling from her skin to mine.
"Bella," I whispered.
I'd never felt so alive and whole in all my life. Every one of my sense was strung, tensed and coiled like a stretch wire bearing the weight of a gymnast. I could hear, feel, see, taste, smell only Bella. She was everything, she surrounded me completely.
Just as I went to kiss her, my pocket buzzed. I groaned at the interruption and leaned back, digging my phone out of my pocket.
"Hello?" I asked harshly, not even bothering to check who it was.
"Just checking to make sure you made it to Seattle safe, sweetie," my mom cooed.
I sighed and let the tension release from my body. I couldn't be mean and angry to my sweet mother. "Yes, Mom, I'm here and perfectly okay."
Bella was backing away from our embrace. Confused, I searched her flushed face. She mouthed what looked like, "I'm going to pay," and motioned towards the service desk.
Unwillingly, I let her go, while my mother told me how much she loved me. I suspect she expected me not to come back.
"I'll be back before ten o'clock," I confirmed. Hopefully anyway. My appointments usually weren't long, those doctors were always rushing patients in and out of rooms. Dinner with Bella could be the set back, I didn't want to rush our first dinner out together.
"Okay, honey. Drive safe. Be careful. I love you."
"I will. Love you too."
I hung up before she could start to worry at me again and pocketed my phone. I staggered my way towards the service counter to see if Bella was finished yet. She met me halfway there, near the exit.
"Ready?" I asked her with a grin.
She nodded and we left the warm store, entering the loud halls. That was the good thing about bookstores, they were quiet, everything else about this malls was chaotic and cramped… and loud! I made sure Bella was close by my side as we moved towards the exit, checking periodically that she was okay.
It was drizzling outside, damp and cool, the normal, still irritating. You'd think I'd be used to the ever gray skies and cloud cover by now, but I wasn't. It was unnatural to see so much wet, cold, dark weather – the sun should shine more often here.
I found my keys and unlocked the doors for Bella to get out of the rain. She wasn't wearing enough clothing and must've been freezing. I started the car and immediately turned the heat up as Bella rubbed her exposed forearms, trying to warm them with friction. I looked at the clock. We had about thirty minutes to get to the other side of town and park in the ramp for my appointment. I took a deep breath and sighed.
"Nervous?" she asked me.
I tried to conceal a smirk, pouting instead. I nodded slowly, not daring look at her, she'd see the excited humor in my eyes. "I might not be so nervous if you held my hand," I tried.
It worked; she laced her fingers in mine without any hesitation. I took another deep breath, giving myself a few moments to 'calm down'.
"Maybe…." I trailed off, wanting her to ask.
"What is it?" she asked.
"Maybe…if you kiss me, it might help."
I peeked at her out of the side of my eye, not turning my head. I could see the red on her cheeks and the way she was nervously biting her lip. This was different, this wasn't a 'heat of the moment' kiss. This was me asking for her to kiss me, she no longer had adrenaline in her veins, no fear of me leaving. This was her chance to overcome her embarrassment and kiss me because I asked.
I wiped the smirk off my lips and looked hopefully at her. Her face slowly turned towards mine. I stayed put, making her come the distance to kiss me. She met my eyes and I nearly laughed – or maybe cried – at the nervousness they held. I knew that feeling, but mine was there because I wanted her to kiss me so badly.
She averted her gaze, then blushed dark red as she stared at my lips. I licked them for her, making her eyes soften, her pupils dilate. I know she was trying to move slow, yet fast at the same time. She would start towards me, then slow down. Her feelings were obviously conflicted; she wanted to kiss me, I think, but at the same time was nervous and afraid to.
When she finally made it to me, she seemed to let the nervousness win. Her lips were tight, her jaw hard as she kissed me, briefly, chastely, hardly.
I sighed as she pulled back. "My stomach is in knots," I whined. Not about my appointment as I'm sure she assumed, but in anticipation of getting her to open up to me. She kissed me before, heat-of-the-momently but still a kiss. Now, would be her expressing herself to me, openly.
She looked into my eyes for a split second before, then leaned back in, kissing me again, a bit more… willingly this time, but not enough to make me 'feel' it.
Stop being nervous, Bella, be brave, I wanted to tell her, but I'm sure that would have made her pull away more, embarrass her further.
I sighed and pouted again, not bothering opening my eyes. Her lips came to mine again and I could feel her trying this time, but it just wasn't there yet. I needed her to put herself into it, to just give in, finally – for me.
She didn't. I tried not to be disappointed, everything was still too new and fresh. I couldn't blame her for not being able to open up to me, I just hoped we'd get there eventually.
I licked and rubbed my lips together, savoring her taste and made to turn back towards the steering wheel, my eyes still closed in an attempt to shield my disappointment. Her hands seized my face unexpectedly, her soft, gentle fingers curling slightly against my jaw bones as she drew my face back towards her.
Her lips connected with mine almost roughly, but not quite. Her full lips were soft, parted against mine, wet. Her hands moved against my cheeks, caressing softly. Her fingertips brushed against my eyelids, to my hairline, then my ears. Her hands curled around my neck and she pulled me harder to her lips, kissing me fiercely. Her fingers moved into the hair on the back of my head and she again tried to grasp at it, getting nothing but spurring us both on anyways.
Her lips parted against mine and mine parted with hers, our mouths were open against each others and I sat there, breathing loudly through my nose, waiting. She closed her mouth again and mine closed with hers, and again they parted. I waited again, she had to take this step. She whimpered then I felt her soft tongue on mine.
I fucking lost it.
I'd been waiting too long for this, all these years. Her taste, her mouth, her! She was exquisite.
My hands went to her face and I cupped her cheeks gently, but firmly. I groaned into her mouth as I slid my tongue along hers. I forgot my name. I forgot the fucking center console that was between us until it got in my way and I nearly beat it back just to get closer to her. It was too long, far too fucking long that I waited for this. This, Bella, my Bella.
And she was giving it right back. The happiness, the love, the contentment, and also the pain, the anger, the sadness, and with that the lust, the passion, the want, the need.
Her tongue was on my teeth, my cheeks, against, over, and under my tongue. Her breath was more haggard than mine was as she broke away. I moved my lips to her throat, unwilling to be done with these unearthed feelings. She made a few breathy gasps as my tongue, teeth, and lips worked at her hot, soft skin and I pulled back.
I was back on my side of the car before I even knew what happened. The kiss had lasted an impossibly short time. I wanted more, I wanted more right now, and that scared me. The sounds she made, the feel of her heart racing underneath my fingertips and lips, I could smell and taste her warmth… I wanted to consume her, I wanted her to be mine in every way. I shouldn't have been having those urges yet.
I put the car in gear, still breathing heavily and pulled quickly out of the parking space, gunning the accelerator, speeding us out onto the main road towards the parking garage and hospital.
Without the radio on, I could still hear her breathing as heavily as I was as I darted towards a red light. I was just slowing down as it went green and I worked my way through the masses of cars to get where I needed to be as quickly as possible.
We didn't say anything to each other as I continued to bend the laws of the road to my will, breaking speed limits to get in that ramp.
It didn't take long to cross town, thankfully, but speeding through a parking ramp was not a good idea. I was late, there was no changing that fact. I went up a couple levels and Bella pointed out an available space which I swerved skillfully into.
I hurriedly turned off the car and got out, collecting my crutches. Bella came around the back of the car and we started towards the door marked with an 'elevators' sign.
"Oops," Bella said unexpectedly and stopped. I did as well, turning to see what she was doing. "Go ahead, I'll catch up," she told me, bending to tie her shoelace.
The mere thought of Bella, alone, in a parking garage gave me goosebumps. Leaving her alone in here was not an option. I was late already, I could wait.
She jogged the few steps that separated us and apologized. I rolled my eyes at her for apologizing for an untied shoelace and pushed the heavy door open, putting us inside the small enclosure containing the elevators and stairs. I let her through first and she pressed the down button for me. I ticked my fingers impatiently against my crutches. Finally the lift dinged and opened to our right. We got in and headed down to ground level.
We exited the small building and crossed the street to the colossal brick building with huge windows. We moved quickly through the large lobby to the branch we needed and grabbed another lift to the sixth floor.
Orthopedics was on the east wing, we moved that way and Bella followed me to the check-in desk. I gave my information to the nurse and she informed me that the doctor would be right with me.
Yeah, I'll bet.
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