All recognized characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended.
This chapter has been beta'd by the ever amazing: Strae
Our little chat got all tied up when Bella started cussing again. She insisted that she could talk and cook, but I disagreed. She kept dropping things, and I'd already distracted her enough. I was heading towards another distraction. We said our goodbyes. She cooked, while I cleaned. Cleaned up, that is. Then I went home.
"I saved supper for you, it's in the oven," my mom said as I came in through the living room. "Did you eat yet?"
"No, not yet. Thank you."
"You're welcome." She smiled and curled in closer to my dad's side. I had to walk in front of them to get to the kitchen. Mom gasped as I walked in front of her and my dad chuckled. I didn't think I was sporting a hard-on at the moment, but apparently I was. I didn't stop to ask.
I didn't make it to the table with my supper. I was starving. I leaned against the counter and dug in. My entertainment for tonight? The parents' whispers.
"He shouldn't be alone with her."
"Esme, he's eighteen, you have to let him grow up."
"It's irresponsible. You're a doctor! You should know it's not safe for those two to be running around with each other."
"They're both good kids, dear, you are overreacting. Don't give me that look. You know just as well as I do that Edward could be with his choice of those girls at school, but he hasn't been. Don't give me that look either, I know these things. I don't think he's as innocent as he was the day he was born, but he hasn't been running around. And he loves that girl. They are going to do what kids do. Don't you remember? Do I need to jog your memory?"
After my mom giggled, it stopped being entertaining. Creepy, that's what it was. My plate was clean just moments later and I went to my room. But there was nothing to do in there, besides what I'd already done three times in the car, and that just didn't hold too much appeal considering I didn't have Bella to listen. I decided it was about time I worked out. I brought my iPod and cell phone with me. With my cell in my pocket and my iPod blasting Staind, I unloaded about fifty pounds from the weight bar. I didn't have a death wish tonight. I pushed the bar up and slowly brought it down. It was heavy in my palms, but it felt good. It didn't hurt like I'd been getting used to, it just felt good.
My phone buzzed in my pocket. Bella! "Hi!"
"Er, hi. Sorry. I know I'm verging on stalker territory. I just called to tell you that you left your history book here."
"I don't care why you called, just glad you did."
"I'm not doing what you hope I'm doing."
"I don't care what you're doing, Bella. I do wish I were there right now though so I could kiss you."
"Me too. What is that sound? What are you doing?"
"Oh, I'm pumping some iron."
There was complete silence on her end, then she sputtered. "You're still…?"
I snorted and laughed. "Good God, you have a dirty mind. I mean pumping iron as in lifting weights as in in my basement at my weight bench actually lifting weights. But I like the way you think! And what do you think that noise is? Does it sound like I'm watching porn or something?"
"No, it sounds sort of like a dull buzz to me."
"Jesus. I can only guess what dirty little pictures you have worked up."
"No, you really can't. It's music though, I guess. I can kind of hear it now that I'm listening."
"Now that I've pulled your pretty head out of the gutter, you mean."
"Shut up. I seriously just called to tell you about the book."
"No. No, I think you were hoping you'd catch me still at it. You are dirty! And to think, I was just kidding."
"That's not why-"
"I can get back to it, if you'd like. I'm hard, thanks to you."
"Seriously." Gulp. "Edward, you'd do that just out in the open like that?"
I made a sound of indifference. "I'm sure they'll turn around and go back up when they see I'm busy. Or I guess they'll enjoy the show."
"Would you let me watch you?"
It was my turn to gulp. She was calling my bluffs to the highest fucking degree. "You would want to?"
"That's kind of a stupid question."
"Just because I want to watch you do it, doesn't mean that I can assume you want to watch me. So answer my damn question and I'll answer yours."
"Yes."
"Yes what?"
"We have the same opinion on this matter."
"Can't say it, can you? Come on, Bella, I know what you really want to say is, 'Yes, Edward, I want to watch you jerk off and cum all over the place.'" She sputtered like she might be choking, then grew silent. "Well, fine then, don't say it. I'll say my part though. Bella, I want you to watch me jerk off and cum all over the place."
Nothing. God, the silence was killing me. Was I suppose to apologize now? Maybe that was too far. Just as I was about to start backtracking, Bella spoke up. "You want me to?"
"Yeah." I rubbed my neck. "I guess."
"I couldn't handle it."
"Watching me? But you just said-"
"No. That's not what I meant."
"Oh, you mean me watching you."
"Yeah. I couldn't."
"I think you could."
Somehow, I imagined she was shaking her head right then, looking ashamed, God knows why. "I'd be so… I couldn't do it. Alone is even… and just to know you were looking. You have a lot more experience though, I guess."
"Not really."
"Okay, well, you do but I guess it's that you're a lot more comfortable with yourself than I am."
"No, it's not that either. I'm just as self-conscious as you are."
"No you're not."
"Yes, I am. I'm terrified that you aren't going to like what you see."
"How couldn't I?"
"Same question goes for me, Bella. How couldn't I be absolutely captivated by you naked, when you affect me so much fully clothed?"
"Affect you how?"
I chuckled, because I couldn't help it. "Oh, love, I think we both know how you affect me. But really it's more than that. I'm drawn to you. Honestly, I'm addicted. I'm so attracted to you, it's damn near impossible to keep my hands off. You're fascinating, so beautiful, so soft, warm, you smell delicious, and taste even better. Perfect, in every way, even if you can't see it. And when…" I trailed off as my rage boiled.
"When what?"
"When others… I'm just protective of you. Possessive, a bit. I don't like the way they look at you. And Black. You don't know how badly I want to… what he did. It's going to take everything in my to keep my hands to myself when I see him again."
"I know how you feel."
"I highly doubt that."
"I don't like the others either. Your others."
"What others?"
She gave a sarcastic sort of snort. "Oh, come on."
Some words from earlier came back to me. They hadn't registered then, but now I remembered and got what she said. "For once, I don't care how this is going to sound. I do not share, Edward. And I'm sick of Jessica acting like she owns you. I want them to back off, but I don't know how to make them figure out that you're mine."
"If you think for one minute-"
"I trust you, Edward! Them, those… those… I do not trust them."
"You can swear Bell-"
"Bitches! I hate those fucking bitches. I hate them! Jessica always… and pretending. Two faced. And Lauren! She doesn't even… And their followers. Your followers!"
"Excuse me?"
"They're obsessed with you." Her voice was filled with a hatred I didn't think Bella was capable of. Something was up.
"Bella?" She didn't reply. But she was fuming on her end, I could hear it. "Love, talk to me."
"I. Am."
"Love, what's going on?"
"Nothing."
"You can vent to me. That's what I'm here for. Talk to me, Bella. Tell me."
"No," she growled.
"Why?"
"Because. You don't need… It's my problem."
"You promised you'd try, Bella." She knew exactly what I meant. "You have shared so much with me, and I'm so grateful, but you have to open up to me this way too. You have to let this out."
"Alice. I'll talk to Alice."
"I'll come now if you don't want to do it over the phone. I'll be there as quickly as I can, just to talk. I'll drive you to the beach."
"It's raining."
"I'll bring an umbrella. You won't get a drop of rain on you, I promise. Whatever you need, just talk to me."
"Oh," she said. And my words played back to me and I realized what I'd just unconsciously done. I was gunning for number one. I was pushing her best friend, her cousin, out of my way to be at the top of her list. And I didn't feel an ounce of remorse. I'd beg on my knees if that's what it took. "Okay, but this isn't going to help anything. You're just going to end up mad, and I'm going to end up mad, and nothing is going to change."
"Wrong. What will change is that you'll have a second opinion and another perspective."
"I don't want to do this, Edward."
"Why can't you talk to me?"
"I feel like I'm whining. It's my problem and I don't want to bring you into it."
"If you think I'm going to back down, you're wrong. I'm as stubborn as you are. Just get pissed off again and let it out."
"You've heard the rumors."
"Yes, but-"
"The ones about me don't bother me. And the ones about you, I know are false. Mostly. It's just…"
Mostly? "Go on."
"Jessica and Lauren are always gossiping. And then you come up, and they brag about things they've done. With you."
"I haven't done shit with either of them."
"I… want to believe that. It's just… Jessica knows things. Things that I wish only I knew."
"What things?"
"Things about you. About you… your… you know. That you're… big. She brags about being with you, touching you. I don't believe the other stuff she says… but how could she know?" I could hear her wanting to say so much more, but she stopped there.
"Bella, I swear to you, I haven't ever been with Jessica, or Lauren, or anyone else from this town, in any way. I've been alone with Jessica drunk, but I was never that drunk. Even then she repulses me. She gets touchy feely, she might have gotten a cop or two, but she's never touched me. And well, Emmett's the locker-room peeker. And you know how he likes to start shit. So in other words, Emmett knows… my size and if anyone asked, he'd tell."
"Emmett's a peeker? But he's so… straight."
"Straight as an arrow. He's just arrogant. He walks around bare-assed naked knowing damn well he's the biggest thing Forks has ever seen. He just likes to rub it in our faces."
"Bad mental images, Edward."
"Yeah, sorry, bad choice of words there."
"Then there's her." Oh, her. Shit. "I don't even know her and I hate her, Edward. And I'm not mad at you, so don't apologize again. I'm just… jealous, I guess. I'm jealous that she was there first. She was your first. And yours first."
"No. She was never mine, and I was never hers. You are my first love, Isabella Swan, so as far as I'm concerned, you are my first everything. Born again virgin. Now I know that's a gyp, it's not the same, but I won't look at it any other way. I refuse. I'm yours first. Your first. My first. Just yours, damn it."
"See, you got angry."
"I'm not… okay, yes, I'm angry, but not at you. At me. I hate this. I hate that I'm not perfect for you. I hate that I can't go back and take back the stupid, stupid shit that I've done. I regret so many choices."
"I wouldn't change a thing," she said unexpectedly.
"What?"
"I wouldn't. If I could, if we could go back, I wouldn't change a thing."
"You wouldn't change the fact that I'm not a virgin? You wouldn't change the fact that I've been with someone else?"
There was a deep breath. "No. You were right, before. I needed to talk about this, with you. Thank you. Edward, our choices have brought us here today and I can't regret any of it. I'm so happy, so in love, because of you. I think, maybe, deep down, I might love you more after it all. After everything. I think that if the mistakes weren't made, we might not have learned, and we might not be right here, right now. I love you, more than anything."
I couldn't speak. Speechless. Utterly speechless. Shocked silent.
"Oh, please tell me you're still there and I didn't just have a revelation with no one to hear it."
I stood up, hoping that might help. When it didn't I walked up the stairs. I hoped she might have heard the sound of my shoes connecting with the wood stairs on my way up, to let her know I was there even though I made no sound. Up the stairs, to my bedroom, to my bathroom. I stared at my shocked face.
I didn't realize I was speaking until the sound of my voice hit my ears. "I had sex with Tanya four times one night. All I saw was you. I was rough, mean. I hurt her, left her bruised, sore. I never once even considered going down on her, but forced her down on me so I wouldn't have to see her face. I'd scream your name, I couldn't help it, I wanted so badly for it to be you and it wasn't. And she'd get angry, everything would get rougher, she never stopped though. Until I got meaner, actually got off on hurting her for not being you." I didn't realize I was sobbing until I saw the tears on my cheeks in my reflection. I wanted to punch my own face. "You can't be okay with it. I fucked up so bad, you can't be okay with what I did."
She took it all in. Too quickly. "I am. I accept it."
"No. No, you can't."
"I do."
"No." I choked on a sob. "You're pristine, perfect. I'm damaged, unpure."
"Edward, stop." I did. I closed my eyes and it all stopped. The thoughts, the hate, the sobs. "We have to go to Los Angeles."
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