All recognized characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended.
This chapter has been beta'd by the ever amazing: Strae
Monday morning rolled around and I was on a mission, absolutely fucking hell bent on proving a point. I woke up at 5 AM to get to the school gym. My punching bags wouldn't be delivered for a few more days, so until then, this was going to have to do. Before leaving, I shaved the stubble off my face and ate a light breakfast, then brushed my teeth.
The louder my music was, the happier I was. Music blasting in my ear, I walked into the mostly abandoned school carrying my books and discarded them in my locker before going to the weight room. I started with warm ups, then moved to the weight bench to get bench pressing out of the way.
I didn't want a spotter, I didn't want anyone to see me. I put as much weight as I believed I could press onto the bar and laid down. I could hardly lift it up far enough to get it off the holder, I was pleased. This was going to be difficult.
My arms were locked above me and as I started to bring the weight down, they gave out. The bar holding well over my body weight started coming down at my chest and I felt the fear of death immediately sinking in. Time didn't stand still nor did anything flash before my eyes, but something in my body sped up, kicking my ass into gear.
The music blasted so loudly in my ears, it never would have been possible to hear anything, even if someone did come in, but I was sure I was alone. How then did I get this impossible amount of weight to raise back up?
Adrenaline. There was no way my arms could lift this on their own, but still I did. Adrenaline gave me the strength to raise it, again and again, until my wrists were in danger of splintering like toothpicks. People were starting to show up anyway. They ruined my concentration.
I moved to a mat to do crunches, giving my arms a break. Until I could hardly breath anymore and my abdominal muscles were spasming, I alternated between bicycle crunches, twisting crunches, and plain old damn up and down crunches. Thank God I could do the bicycle crunches without straining my knee or I'd go insane.
I worked until 7:30 and the small gym was getting smelly with all the jocks. I hit the showers and changed into my school clothes. I ran my hand through my hair a few times after towel drying it and felt pretty god damn good. I tossed my duffel bag onto my shoulder and went to find my seat in study hall.
There was still hardly anyone in the school. There was at least another twenty minutes to go before the warning bell rang, and no one showed up this early. I pulled out some things to review and stayed in the far back corner of the classroom while it filled up. I ignored everyone. It was rude, I know, but I wasn't taking the chance to look up.
The warning bell sounded and everything got louder before finally quieting down and the final bell sounded to announce the start of the day. So far so good. I didn't take my eyes off my papers once and I was doing fan-fucking-tastically at concentrating.
My body ached with soreness, it was doing a very good job at keeping me preoccupied with muscle spasms. Real pain outdid the mental pain.
The second hour bell rang and I stood up, collected my things, and moved to my next class, already prepared not to have to go to my locker 'til third hour. Second hour came and went and I made it to my third class without a hitch. Fourth hour too, then lunch.
That was slightly more difficult. Emmett and Jasper hovered, terribly. It was annoying, but I know what they were doing. I didn't hear one peep from Alice or Rosalie, which meant this had all been planned. I couldn't exactly be upset, they were helping me.
Had the school food always been this disgusting? I ate an apple, unwilling to touch any of the other shit they had.
I proved my worth in Calculus when I was called upon and got the answer without a hint of trouble. And in Biology, I even raised my hand to answer a question. I ran into a problem then though. It was announced that tomorrow we'd be doing a lab. Lab partners…
At the end of class, I went to the front to request a change of lab partners after everyone, or almost anyway, left. Mr. Banner told me it wasn't possible. I decided to try a different tactic. After Spanish, I disposed of my books, I went to the office to see if I could talk Ms. Cope into transferring me from the class altogether.
"Dear, compulsory means you are required to take the class, there is nothing I can do," she told me.
I leaned in closer to her, usually she was so easy. "Ms. Cope, is there any way at all I can be transferred out, perhaps to a different time?"
She shook her head, "I'm sorry, Edward, there is only one senior Biology class a semester."
"Then I'll just retake it next semester," I tried.
"Honey, you know that's not how it works. You're doing very well in the class, the only spots open are for students that need to retake it and the ones that haven't taken it yet."
I groaned. "Fine, thank you for your time," I said, a bit harshly and turned to leave.
Bella was standing in the doorway, looking shocked. My eyes locked on hers and I felt my heart starting to shatter again. I held my breath as I pushed past her into the main hall and then moved as quickly as I could to my Volvo. I'd parked on the opposite end of the lot today, no longer using my knee as an excuse to use a close space, so I had been holding my breath for over a minute by the time I got to my car.
I fumbled with my keys, my lungs aching with the need for air and got it started. I didn't even care what was on the radio, I just turned it up as loud as it could possibly go before finally releasing the breath, or sob. It was loud and wretched sounding, but the music drowned it out. I threw the car into drive and sped towards home.
There was no option, I just had to do this. I had to steal my neutered balls off her mantel and put them back in place. I would not be broken. I would not be weak. I would not let her be more than nothing to me. She was nothing to me. She couldn't make me cry anymore.
Sweating, sweating was good. As soon as I got home I locked myself into my basement and did push-ups, pull-ups, and sit-ups until Esme literally drug me up the stairs by my sopping wet hair.
Which reminded me. "Mom, will you cut my hair?"
She gave me the stink eye. "Eat dinner, take a shower, and I'll do anything you want," she said.
I nodded. She made steaks tonight, with vegetables. Steak looked good. Protein, yum. I even ate my veggies.
I felt like such a good boy after doing as my mother asked. I pulled on some shorts and used a huge towel as a cape and sat in a kitchen chair, my mop of hair hanging wetly into my eyes.
"How do you want it?" she asked.
"Gone," I answered.
"Usually you just want to shorten it up, Edward, what do you mean gone?"
"Chop it," I instructed.
"Edward…"
"Mom, you said anything I want."
She took a shaky breath, holding it in. I heard the chop of the scissors and a chunk of reddish hair fell into my lap. I grinned.
So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye. Great, now I'm singing songs from The Sound of Music. More and more hair started to fall and soon, my head felt unusually cool. This was an awesome decision.
I heard my mom give a sniff and rolled my eyes. "O-o-okay," she stuttered brokenly, "t-t-that sh-should do it."
Sweet. "Thanks, mommy, love you," I said and stood up, shaking all of the hair to the sweepable floor. She gave a huge sob when I grinned at her.
Was it that bad or what? I left the hairy towel on the kitchen chair and brushed the cut strands off the rest of my body then grabbed my crutches to see what all her fussing was about. I crutched into the hallway where there was a mirror hanging and checked my reflection.
It wasn't so bad, just different. It wasn't even that short but it definitely didn't look like a mop anymore. I was distracted from my hair when I noticed I could already see a difference in my physique. I'll admit I started checking myself out in the mirror then, flexing and turning to take in all the angles. Hell yes, working out was paying off.
"Honey, I'm ho– What the hell?" Emmett hollered as he came through the front door.
I laughed at the expression on his face. I hadn't been doing anything that embarrassing, and God knows Emmett checked himself out in the mirror every chance he got, so I could only assume it was the hair he was gaping about.
"What did you do to your head?" he asked me.
I laughed louder. This was perfect. No, wait, maybe it was the opposite of that. Was everyone going to bug me about my hair now? Well, maybe that would be okay, it would distract me.
"Edward, you're bald!" Emmett yelled.
I heard my mom give another loud sob from the kitchen and wanted to kick Emm in the shin. "It just so happens that I love my new hair," I said. It was true, I did like it. I wouldn't even have to run my hand through it now, it just sprung perfecting into place.
"So, I came over here to talk to you, Edward, and it's only me because Jasper says we need to butt out, but really I just think he's afraid of you, and obviously I'm not, you're still puny. Anyhoo, take a seat my brotha, and let me tell ya what's crackin'."
I already felt like hitting him, but I took a seat nonetheless. "M'kay, Eddie, you know I love you like a brother, but some things have went down recently and I'm not taking sides here, but we have to discuss something about a certain girl, yes that one." I winced and cringed, not looking forward to this at all.
"Rose called me to tell me that tonight, Alice called her to tell her that Bella, oops, I mean, that girl, came home bawling. We all know… things aren't good between the two of you right now, but you can't be mean to her."
"Get the fuck out of my house," I growled.
"Edward, knock it off. I know it hurts you to talk about her, or think about her, but you need to have some fucking regard for her feelings too. There are a lot of things you don't know, and it isn't my place to tell you, but just take a step back once, Edward. You aren't the only one who lost a friend… and more."
"I walked past her, that is all I fucking did, and I can guarantee you it hurt me a hell of a lot more then it did her, so you report that back to your little bitch watch dog."
"I know you didn't mean that, so I'm going to let it slide, but this is your warning: Don't you ever talk about Rosalie that way again if you'd like to keep your nose from becoming anymore crooked. I wasn't trying to accuse you of anything, just passing on the message. I'll back off now that I said what I needed to and I'd appreciate if you would not hit me, because I really don't want to hit you back."
I was fuming. I wanted to beat the living shit out of my best friend. Jasper should have done this if it needed to be done, he actually had feelings and knew how I'd react. I guess that is why he didn't do it though, because he knew.
"Out," I hissed.
Emmett massive body left the couch. "I'm sorry," he said, very honestly, then left.
After his loud Jeep disappeared into the distance, I returned to my basement and threw all of the weights we had onto the bar. It equaled about the same as what I had pressed this morning and I had my iPod deck turned as loud as it would go to drown out the sounds of my pained and angry yells.
She had lost a friend, my ass. She had said herself we weren't friends. And more than a friend, who was Emmett kidding. She never had any feelings for me.
"I loved her," I growled. "She broke my heart."
You still love her, my head reminded in a sing song voice.
I nearly threw the huge amount of weight in my hands, I was so pissed off. Why couldn't I just get over her? I wanted to hate her so bad, and I couldn't. I did, for breaking my heart, but not as a person.
"Fuck you Isabella Swan," I said. "Fuck you."
– – –
Sadly, it was me who ended up fucking Isabella Swan that night. No, not fucking, I made love to her. Fuck those stupid dreams. I was so sick of my head making sure I remembered that I was in love her.
I had to deal with her today, in Biology. I needed to prepare for that. Again, five o'clock in the morning I was up. Cereal, brush my teeth, admire myself for a few minutes – I really did like my new hair – and I was off.
Almost two hours of working out, shower in the locker room, and again, the first one to study hall. I took my seat in the farthest back corner and waited. It wasn't in peace this time.
"Hey," said a very girlish, almost childlike voice.
I looked up to see a bright mane of red hair. I followed down the hair to a pretty thin face dusted with freckles and a pair of eyes that were almost red in color.
No names came to me immediately. "Hi," I said.
"I like your new haircut," she told me with a smile.
"Thanks…" Vivian, no, Veronica, no, Valery, no, Vicky… "Victoria," I blurted, remembering.
She smiled and wrinkled her cute little nose at me. "You're welcome…E-Ed-Edw-Edward!"
She was teasing me. I liked her. "Victoria Vampire, right?"
She scowled. "It's Vempire," she said, sounding it out for me, indicating the short "e" in the beginning and the long "e" sounding "i". I'd known that, but she seemed fun to joke with.
"Sorry, it's the red eyes, I guess I just assumed."
She rolled her eyes at me. "Like I haven't heard that one before. So, where were you last week?" She asked me.
I leaned in closer to her and whispered, "Don't tell anyone, but I'm actually a vampire."
She giggled and leaned in a bit closer to me. "Shh, me too."
She was kind of cute, but is this what I really wanted, another distraction? The other one didn't work out so well. I didn't exactly get the chance to make that choice for myself as out of no where Rosalie showed up.
"Shoo," she hissed at the pretty red head, waving her hand like she was some kind of varmint.
It really pissed me off when she did things like that. The saddest thing was that the girl left.
"I hear you called me some sort of bitch last night," she informed me.
"Are you contesting that or what is your point, Rosalie?" I asked. She was a bitch, she had to know that by now.
"Oh, I don't know, I guess I just thought it was a good opener. What are you doing flirting with flame head anyway?"
"It is none of your god damn business who I flirt with and I don't appreciate you being such a rude bitch all the time. Besides, hasn't Victoria been dating that one guy for forever?" I didn't recall his name.
She was unfazed, as usual. She leaned closer to me in fact. "You know, you'll find this hilarious. James and Victoria broke up. Actually, James has been all over Bella recently and now Victoria has you in her sights. I wonder what that's all about."
Don't get angry. Don't get angry. Don't get angry. What the fuck did she mean all over…her? Don't ask. Pain. Deep breaths. Aching muscles. Better.
"Why should I care?" I asked nonchalantly.
"You stupid prick," Rose spat in my face. "We both know I don't beat around the bush, so I'm done attempting that. Bella is in love with you, you idiot. Stop being a retard and open your fucking eyes." She threw a piece of paper at me and got up to leave.
There was still a few minutes before the bell rang and the class was mostly empty. I peaked around and Bella was not here yet. Everything inside of me wanted Rose's words to be true, but how could they be? I unfolded the piece of paper.
Written along the top was the title of a project we'd had to do a couple weeks ago, along with that date and the class and block number, and her name. I unfolded it again and saw the beginning of her thesis on the project.
How stupid was Rose? Did she think I'd just believe her if she threw a piece of paper at me?
I rolled my eyes and tore the note completely open. Rose had just wanted to ruin my day, make me suffer even more. My eyes stared blankly at the piece of paper until I saw it.
Where her thesis ended, my name started. Edward Cullen, she had wrote, randomly, her sentence cutting off in the middle. There were a few random doodles beneath it then my name again. Her name was wrote right beneath it. More doodles, these ones in the shape of hearts. Edward Cullen, was written again, very neatly and there was a few floating hearts around it. The final doodle on the page was a set of eyes. It took me a moment, but then I recognized those eyes. My eyes, my dark eyes. And then I looked very closely at a smudged out sentence.
I leaned in close to the paper and narrowed my eyes: I want to be with you forever. ExB
I sat up straight in my chair. Then looked over the paper again. It couldn't possibly, she couldn't possibly… no. If Bella loved me, she wouldn't have pulled away all those times.
All those times, I scoffed at myself. When I kissed her, she believed me to be drunk… just that could explain the situation. And she pulled her hand away from mine once, and not even rudely, slowly, hesitantly, and I did nothing to stop her.
The time in her bedroom, the way her breath was catching in her throat while I leaned in closer to her. The time in my bedroom when I cupped her cheek, the anticipation that was in her eyes, and how I ruined it by apologizing and making promises about studying, causing her to look disappointed. The way she blurted she wanted a dinner and movie night, then looked ashamed. The way she pressed her face against my hand, enjoying it. How she turned red all the times that I caught her staring. Saying my name in her sleep, starting to say what…She l-?
Bella was in love with me? Yes, you idiot! We've been trying to tell you that all along! No. Is that what my dreams were all about? I knew she loved me? Bella was in love with me?
It was odd how I could distinguish her footsteps from the rest. I knew the exact moment she entered that classroom and I looked up from her note.
I gasped at the sight of her. She looked gaunt, she looked ill, sick, faint, sad, hurt. She looked as broken as I did. I hadn't noticed this yesterday, I hadn't allowed myself to actually look. And now there was the age old question: How could I have been so stupid?
Bella hadn't broken my heart, I had broken my heart and hers as well. I was a fool, a ridiculously foolish asshole.
She took her seat and I quickly grabbed my crutches and made my way over to her. I took the seat next to her and she had her head bowed low over her work, her eyes closed and an arm wrapped around her torso. She didn't seem to hear me or notice me.
"Bella?" I said softly.
Her head turned a fraction in my direction and I saw her clutch harder at her torso. A small, clear drop slid from her eye, down her cheek.
What was wrong with her? Was she sick? "Bella?" I said again, worried.
"Edward," she breathed back, so much emotion in her quiet whisper that I nearly wept.
"I'm here," I told her.
She bit her bottom lip between her teeth and her eyes closed tighter, sending another tear rolling. I reached my hand out and caught the tear with my thumb, wiping it away. Her eyebrows wrinkled in her adorable look of confusion and she peaked at me through one of her eyes.
Apparently she wasn't expecting to find me sitting here because her eyes flew open wide and she gasped in shock, leaning back from my closeness, a bit too zealously. I caught her waist with my arm, thinking she was about to lose her balance and topple right off the chair.
She turned pure red as I steadied her, but she didn't look away from me and there wasn't a chance in hell that I was looking away from her. If she loved me, hell, even if she didn't love me, I wasn't looking away. I'd do everything I could to make her fall in love with me.
"Are you okay?" I asked her.
She nodded, not breaking our eye contact. With my arm still around her waist, I pulled her a bit closer to me, bringing her to the edge of her seat like I already was. Her knees were between mine now and if I lowered my face just a couple of inches lower, our lips would be touching.
Still our eye contact didn't break, she had her head leaned back to keep our eyes locked.
I had to know. "Do you trust me, Bella?" But I couldn't ask her the tough questions here.
She nodded. "Say it," I told her, "out loud."
"I trust you, Edward," she said softly.
I wanted to kiss her like never before, but I couldn't; not yet, not here, not before I knew. I slid my hand around her waist, down her thigh, and then removed it completely and stood up.
"Come with me," I said.
That she didn't even hesitate as she stood was a nice boost. I centered my crutches and lead the way out of the classroom. I could hear her behind me and we were just about out of the door when the warning bell rang. I heard her steps falter.
I turned to see her standing there, looking so confused it looked pained. "We should tell someone," she muttered.
"Are you afraid?" I asked her, not blaming her if she was. Plus, she was Bella, and I was asking her to skip school.
She didn't even think about it. "No," she answered.
I closed the few steps that were between us. "What if I don't bring you back?"
Her full lips turned just the smallest bit upward. She liked that idea it seemed.
"Tell me what you're thinking," I said. I longed to know what musings were hidden behind those depthless chocolate orbs.
"I'm afraid now," she admitted.
I took a step back. I never knew what she was thinking. I needed to stop assuming. She followed my step, bringing her body back closer to mine.
"But only because I feel like you're going to leave again. I'm not afraid to leave the school, especially not with you. I trust you, Edward," she told me again.
I couldn't say anymore here. I gave her a reassuring smile, one I hoped would help her to believe I wouldn't leave, I couldn't leave again, ever – even if she didn't want me, I was hers for life.
I was so sick of these crutches. I longed to hold her hand as we walked to my car, which was again on the other side of the lot. I hit the unlock button and Bella didn't hesitate before she slid into the passenger seat. I threw my crutches in the back and got in with her.
"Where are we going?" she asked.
"You'll see," I told her.
I couldn't help but be nervous now, there were so many 'what-if's.
0 comments:
Post a Comment