Click here for the full chapter
Some things I'll never know
And I had to let them go
I'm sitting all alone feeling empty
I can feel the pressure
It's getting closer now
We're better off without you
Paramore ~ Pressure
Chapter 6
My nightmares were worse than ever that night. I was so exhausted that I couldn't escape them, and I was forced to live the horrors over and over again. The fire, Charlie's anger, Jake's pain.
I usually wasn't glad for the annoying alarm clock, but I was so relieved to be away from the images that I wanted to kiss my alarm clock when it droned obnoxiously enough to wake me.
I turned it off much more gently than I usually would and sat up straight in my bed. I could tell my hair was matted pretty badly from the way it was clumped on the back of my neck. My comforter was still balled up between my legs and my pajama pants were hanging half down my ass.
It had taken me less than twenty minutes to reach four orgasms last night and I had passed out cold immediately after turning off the vibrator and setting it to the side. My bedside drawer was still wide open and I couldn't see the blue thin vibe anywhere. It wasn't under my pillows and when I shook out my comforter, it wasn't hiding in there either. I hung over the side of the bed and whimpered when I found it disemboweled on my floor.
Very carefully, I picked up the piece and put them back together. When I turned it on, I wasn't greeted with the familiar buzz. I started over, dumping the batteries carefully out again, and trying to resurrect it. I quadruple checked to make sure the batteries were in the right way and that I wasn't missing any pieces, but it still wouldn't buzz for me.
I killed my vibrator.
The day was destined to be terrible.
As badly as I wanted a new, thicker vibe, I couldn't afford it, and the older, thinner one had gotten the job done just fine. Now, I'd killed it. I was vibratorless and my boyfriend was pretty much permanently out of commission. I was cursed. I just couldn't be satisfied sexually.
Pissed that my day was already ruined, I stomped from my bedroom straight to the bathroom. I yanked my brush through my hair repeatedly until it was snarl free. I turned the shower on hot, determined to melt away at least one form of frustration.
Of course, with my hasty departure from my bedroom I failed to grab my uniform and was left with no choice but to go from the bathroom to my bedroom in just a towel or naked. I didn't run, because with the luck I was having today, I would have tripped on thin air and face planted into the floor, naked ass and lady parts in the air for all – or one – to see. I didn't stop to look if the coast was clear, I simply went, spectators be damned. I have no idea if Edward saw me in nothing but a towel.
The morning was slightly more normal than the last, with no Edward peep show – which for some ungodly reason disappointed me. The conversation was limited over coffee and breakfast and I left for work anxious for what the day would bring.
I broke two mugs, a coffee pot, and three plates. My total tips for the entire morning and afternoon equaled $18 and I was stressed that my job was going to be jeopardized. I couldn't lose the witnessing job. Even with the rent Edward would be paying, I needed it to hold down the fort.
There was a message on the machine when I arrived home. I thought it would be Jacob. It wasn't.
"Hey sweetie, it's Alice. You didn't reply to my email, I just wanted to make sure everything was okay. Call me back. Love you."
I grabbed the cordless phone and fell into Charlie's chair at the table. My fingers knew the numbers to Alice's phone by heart and I didn't even have to open my eyes to know I got them right.
"Hi Bella," Alice answered, just as soon as the first ring started.
Alice, my omniscient best friend. "Hey Al."
I didn't think my tone was off but with two simple words, Alice apparently sensed my mood. "Oh no, sweetie, what's wrong?" she asked.
"Just a bad day, don't worry, I'm fine," I rushed out. "How are you?" I asked, trying to divert her attention.
"You sound really stressed. I think you should talk to me," she said, completely ignoring my question.
I sighed. I knew even attempting to distract with gushing about some article of clothing or Brad Pitt's recent fug, hairy faced fuckery would only work momentarily and exhaust me even more.
Alice knew me well. She knew I bottled and she always encouraged me to spill to her so I wouldn't explode. I didn't want to talk about it, I preferred to just keep it to myself, but Alice was really insightful and helpful if I let her be.
"I didn't sleep well and Jake's mad at me," I mumbled.
There was a pause, then Alice sighed. "Bella, I said talk to me not edit down to ten words or less," she said patronizingly.
I huffed indignantly. I knew I would feel better if I just let it all out, but I didn't want to. I didn't have the energy. But Alice wouldn't be deterred. It didn't matter if I was tired or flat out didn't want to talk about any of it, she would make me.
I growled under my breath and checked the clock to make sure I still had plenty time before my next shift. I did. I then walked over to the window to make sure that Edward hadn't come home without my noticing. He hadn't.
"You know I have a lot of nightmares." Alice didn't interrupt. I ranted about not sleeping well, not sleeping without nightmares, and not sleeping at all – which did happen from time to time. Then the niggling fact that it all seemed to be getting worse since Edward moved in.
I barely touched the subject of Edward, because I knew that if I was letting everything else out, I would eventually blurt something about his big junk. Alice didn't need to know about that.
I launched into a huge tirade of bitching about Jake to avoid the topic that was Edward.
"Sometimes I wonder why I even stay with him," I blurted before I even realized what I was going to say. My own words took my breath away. "I didn't mean to say that," I gasped, "I'm just angry."
Alice didn't comment and the silence was thick. I couldn't bring myself to continue my rant after letting something so huge slip out of my mouth in an angry fit, especially something I didn't mean.
"Sometimes we say things we don't think we mean in the heat of the moment, Bella," Alice finally said softly. It seemed cryptic to me, like the underlying meaning wasn't there. Alice always said what she was thinking, what the hell was she holding back for now?
"Ididn'tmeanit," I groaned, the words coming out jumbled as I released them with the breath I hadn't even realized I'd been holding.
"Are you su-"
"Yes," I cut her off before she could finish asking if I was sure. "Can we change the subject?" I begged.
There was more thick silence and Alice finally mumbled, "Sure." She said nothing after that and I found myself holding my breath again.
"What the fuck?" I asked hastily. "Would you fucking say something?"
She giggled and I rolled my eyes. She did that shit on purpose just to irk me. "You wanted to change the subject, I gave you the opening. Go for it."
"I broke my vibrator this morning," I grumbled.
Alice found that highly amusing. "No wonder you sound so down. You don't get any sleep, your boyfriend ain't around to keep you happy, and your vibrator broke up with you," she impetuously replied. Her chipper tone didn't work to make me feel any less depressed.
I sighed. Add to that list that I'm piss poor, possibly on the brink of losing a good job, missing my daddy, in lust with my housemate – or something like that…
"Alice, I need to go to work," I muttered.
I heard her sigh quietly then take a deep breath. I held my own on instinct. Here it comes. "Sweetie, I know you love Jake, but maybe it's time that you move on. He's just not there for you like he should be." I tried to interrupt her, to tell her that he was my best friend and that he was there in the ways that were most important, but she talked right over the top of my meek voice. "I think what you said earlier was a subconscious part of you divulging that maybe you also think you need to move on, Bella. You're not the type of person who says things just to say them, especially not something like that. I think you know that."
I didn't justify her nonsense with a response.
"I know you're going to be pissed at me for saying that, but someone has to say it. I know you don't want to hear it but you have to listen. Have you ever thought that maybe your nightmares are from a guilty conscientious of some sort?"
Did I have something to feel guilty for now?
Yes.
Shit. This was all Edward's fault.
Charlie was pissed at me because I was sort of mind-cheating on Jake. Jake would be in a serious amount of pain if he knew what I was going. The fire? I don't know, maybe I was risking everything here. The creepy, dead, beautiful eyes were pretty obvious. Even my unconscious mind was fixed on Edward.
This was not good. This was not good at all.
Maybe I needed to kick him out…
"Okay Bella, I see you're so pissed you're ignoring me, so I'll just go. I love you."
"Alice, wait," I called into the mouthpiece, probably rather loudly.
I had no idea if she'd been talking during my epiphany, but I wasn't angry with her or ignoring her on purpose. But I had a lot to think about.
"I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to ignore you. I do have to get to work though. I love you too, thanks for letting me talk. Just thanks, and I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry, and you don't have to thank me. You're my best friend, Bella, I miss you like crazy, and I'm glad to help when you let me."
– – –
After finishing up my call with Alice, I got ready for my cleaning shift and headed out.
I mulled while I cleaned. It took very little thought to run a vacuum and sweep a floor, which left my mind to agonize over everything.
Alice was partially right, I think, I was definitely feeling guilty.
Jake never would have been in the motorcycle accident if it weren't for me. He wouldn't have had to live with pain on a daily basis or physical limitations. He could have lived a long, happy, scar and pain free life. But he wouldn't because of me and my selfishness.
I was doing him great injustice by entertaining the thought of another man. Jake was my man, I love him, and I couldn't fool myself into believing he didn't love me, even if his love didn't extend into the bedroom.
It wasn't his fault. It was all my doing.
Jacob lost a testicle during his accident. With the testicle went the pride, the confidence, and the sex drive.
He'd attempted to prove to me once that he could get past the difference the second time we were physically together. He was a mess the entire time. I had no experience to base off of, but I imagined that his rush hadn't been normal.
He'd rushed to get inside of me. He'd rushed to his finish. He'd rushed to immediately cover himself.
That was the last time he'd initiated sex. Now it was all me.
I tried to explain to him time and time again that it didn't bother me, that he wasn't any less of a man, but he just refused to take it in.
It was difficult not to get frustrated about the situation, but I usually kept it to myself. There was no point in getting angry at him for being self-conscious, especially when he really should have been angry at me, since it was my fault.
He never blamed me for it, though. That was also frustrating.
His forest of pubic hair, I think, was meant to deter me from attempting to get him to 'rise to the occasion'. I'm surprised he hadn't realized that my stubborn streak wouldn't let that deter me. He absolutely hated when I was that close to him, which makes the proper reaction take so much longer. Then when it does get up, it doesn't stay up for long, because Jake's mind is never in the right place.
So I'd end up even more frustrated. Sometimes I'd cry in the bathroom. My dad always told me my tear ducts were attached to my short fuse. I usually cried when I was frustrated or angry, more so than if I was sad or depressed. I'm pretty sure Jake always knew when I cried, he'd always stay those nights. Shouldering his guilt and mine, he'd throw three layers over his man business then hold me all night.
He could love me, he did love me, but he couldn't love me.
But loved him, despite everything. And I would love him, if he'd let me.
If only he'd go to the goddamn doctor…
Stupid male pride.
– – –
Immediately upon arriving home, I grabbed my phone and dialed Jake's number.
"'Lo?"
"Please come over," I rushed out, sighing because I was happy he'd answered.
"Bells?"
I rolled my eyes. "Yes. I'm sorry. I miss you. Please come and spend the night."
"Um…" I could hear the nervous energy through the phone. I could hear his breathing pick up and his thick swallow. I could imagine the forlorn look on his face as he shifted his eyes away. He hated disappointing me.
I couldn't help the frustrated voice in the back of my head screaming, "Any other man would have been here by now if you offered make up sex!"
"Not for that, just to spend the night. Sorry, I should have been more clear. I just want you to come sleep with me. Wait, no! I mean, just sleep. Sleep, sleep, not re-er-re-er sleep," I rambled nervously, trying to imitate the creaking of springs to get my point across.
Jake chuckled his carefree chuckle that always worked to soothe my nerves. I released a deep breath, glad that my stupid mouth didn't upset him too badly.
"Be right there, babe," he promised.
I fixed a quick supper while he was on his way. Nachos always won my big guy over.
He smiled winningly at me as he walked into the kitchen, taking in the huge plate of tortilla chips. "Mm," he hummed appreciatively. "Those almost done?"
I nodded, walking over to greet him.
Maybe it was the fact that we'd been together for so long, matured together, grown up with each other–he looked excited to see me, truly, he looked so happy–but he didn't even sweep down to kiss me. He grinned and ruffled my hair, then completely bypassed me to go into the living room, where he flicked on the television and groaned as he fell into the couch.
My chest tightened and I grabbed my lip in my teeth to stop its trembling.
No matter how many times I told myself she was wrong, in that moment, I couldn't help but feel like Alice had been completely right.
Maybe it was time for me to move on. I shook my head, trying to force away those thoughts. They wouldn't go. I watched the melted cheese as I stirred it, contemplating just what I was supposed to do now.
Maybe I just wasn't trying hard enough…
I didn't really get a lot of time to reflect on that because Edward walked in. I watched him as he kicked off his shoes in the hall and ruffled his hair to dispel rain droplets. He smirked and winked at me when he looked up and caught me staring. I immediately turned back to my nacho cheese, blushing furiously.
"That smells tasty, is there enough for me?" he asked quietly.
I jumped when his hand brushed my hip. He was closer than I thought. I felt his breath on my neck and I jumped again. His eyebrow wrinkled as he fixed his gaze on me. His eyes were troubled again, worriedly searching mine.
"Are you—" he started to ask, but then cut himself off with a shake of his head. He took a step back and pulled his hand away from me. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have, I just wanted to see if you were making the good stuff."
"I-it's okay," I managed to stutter before Jake's yell interrupted me.
"The food done yet?"
"Yes, just a minute," I yelled back, admittedly a bit irritably.
I threw together some nachos for Edward, letting my frustration and anxiety to get the better of me and making a bit of a mess. I shoved the plate at a confused Edward who took it graciously.
I flinched as his hand made contact with my cheek, cupping it gently. "You'd tell me if he hurts you, right?"
What? I have a feeling my confusion was pretty obvious on my face.
Edward grazed his thumb over my cheekbone and I felt myself inhale sharply and ripple with need. I'm pretty sure my panties disintegrated.
"Bella…" he sighed quietly.
Yup, my panties were toast.
I gulped as he circled a small scar on my cheek from a rather embarrassing incident when I ran into the corner of a cupboard.
If the pad of his thumb on my cheek could make me feel that way, what the hell could it do down below?
The slam of the recliner brought me out of my reverie. My eyes widened and I pushed Edward's arm away, turning back to the stove.
Edward hovered while Jake attempted to act casual while he eyed us.
I turned and shoved Jake's plate of nachos at him. He took them a lot less graciously.
"Christ, Bella!" He had to kind of swoop to keep the nachos from falling off the other end as I turned back to the stove unexpectedly. "Well fuck, thanks so much, babe."
He went back to the couch without another word. I threw together my own plate of nachos, which was considerably smaller since I hadn't really even remembered I tended to cook for Edward. I didn't care, I wasn't really hungry anyway.
Edward watched me as I made my way to the table. He looked from me to the hallway a few times, then rolled his shoulders back and headed towards the living room, a glare on his face.
I shook my head and bit into a crunchy chip.
Mmmm, now what had I been thinking about before Mr. Big Stuff-slash-Sexhair-slash-Panty Killer walked in and distracted me. Ah, right, my lack of try in the seduction-of-Jacob department.
It's not that I didn't try, it's more that I was too embarrassed to go all out and do something drastic, like, I don't know, shave my kitty or something. It's not like I went full bush like Jake did or anything, but I'd never really tried shaving it. I think guys liked that. A lot. Maybe Jake would like that…
I imagine in the long run, if it did work, bare against his giant bush would feel kind of weird though.
He didn't know about my toy–my poor, dead toy…–but I imagine Jake would be one of those jealous types. He'd probably think I wanted my toy more than I wanted him. So trying to seduce him with a show wouldn't work. Even if I could get the guts to do something that risqué.
Dirty talk never worked, because I stuttered like an idiot every time I tried to do that. Porn was also out of the question, because I had no idea where he stood on that and I didn't want to offend him. What the hell kind of porn would he like?
Lingerie didn't seem to work on him either. He didn't seem to appreciate the goods either way, whether they were naked or smashed into lace contraptions.
I was hopeless. But I had to try something.
I grabbed the cordless phone again and listened into the living room. I could hear them crunching on chips and watching what sounded like That 70's Show.
I dialed Alice's number. She answered immediately, greeting me with a saucy, "Hey baby."
"Alice, I have a question," I asked, in a whisper.
"Okay," she whispered back. "Why are we whispering?"
I ignored her question to ask my own, before I lost my nerve. "Can I be a complete whore?" I wondered.
There was a pregnant pause that screamed, "No!" Alice started laughing, confirming my fears. "What?" she asked through giggles, snorting every now and then, which she only did when she found something really amusing.
"God, forget it. This was stupid," I grumbled.
"Bella, seriously, did I hear you right? Did you just ask me if you could be a whore?"
I nodded bashfully, though she couldn't see it. "Um, no," I decided to lie.
She snorted again. All at once, the laughing stopped and she gasped. "Holy shit, Bella, your new housemate must be hot!"
"W-what?" I asked, surprised at the change of topic, mostly unsurprised that she knew he was hot. Alice knew everything important.
"Oh, sweetie, good for you. You need to get some. I hope this means you're taking my earlier advice and moving on. You'll probably feel bad for cheating on Jake, but that idiot deserves it so go for it! Go get some, Bella!"
"What? No!" I gasped. Where the hell did she pull that from?
"It's-"
I cut her off, trying to be pointed, "Listen here, Alice, I am not doing that. Never mind, this was completely stupid."
I hung up.
It didn't surprise me that the phone started ringing immediately. I let it go to the answering machine. Alice hung up, then tried again.
"Bella, aren't you going to answer that?" Jake called from the living room.
"No," I replied.
Once again, it went to the answering machine and Alice hung up and redialed.
Seeing as I had the worst luck in the world, Alice decided to leave a message right as Jake and Edward entered the kitchen.
"I can't believe you hung up on me! Answer your fucking phone, you bitch! Ugh! Fine, you horny slut. You screw that sex-"
I don't think I ever moved so quickly in my life. I flew across the kitchen, grabbing the plug for the machine and yanking it out of the wall.
I was breathing embarrassingly loud, both from nerves and the sudden exertion.
It took a while to get my breathing under control and only then did I very slowly turn around.
Edward was glaring at Jake. Jake was glaring at me.
I knew without a doubt that he caught onto Alice's message and was now under the same impression as she was.
This was a fight that I didn't want to have. But then again, I felt an odd sense of relief.
Something told me this fight would be the end.
A/N: I own the mistakes, Strae owns the well placed commas, Steph owns Edward and Bella and Jake and a lot of money and...
0 comments:
Post a Comment