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You got it, you got it, some kind of magic
Hypnotic, hypnotic, you're leaving me breathless
I hate this, I hate this, you're not the one I believe in
With God as my witness
Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself
From saying something that I should've never thought
Paramore ~ I Caught Myself
Chapter 5
I stayed up because The Notebook was on. I didn't allow myself to get emotionally invested into the story, like I normally would've. I'd had enough crying and emotional investment for one night. So I decided to just drool over the man meat.
Ryan Gosling. Mmm. James Marsden. Mm Mmm. Wall humping. Unf.
How obvious would it be if I excused myself right now? I thought during the sex scene—the good sex scene, without the awkward, 'I'll-take-off-my-underwear-if-you-will' bit. I darted my eyes toward Edward and looked away quickly as I caught him peeking at me from the corner of his eyes at the same moment. I had to bite my lip really hard to keep from smiling.
I managed to only tear up twice, which had to be a record for that movie. The first time was on the beach, when Noah tells Allie that if she's a bird, then he's a bird too. The second time was at the end when they die together. They had such an unbelievable love.
My stomach felt heavy with emotion, though it wasn't necessarily over the story.
I wanted that.
I wanted someone to be a bird because I was. I wanted a man to love me so much that he'd read me our story every day to help me remember. I wanted to die in the arms of the man that I loved. I wanted a man who would never forget a single word I said and would build me the house that I described, even if it nearly killed him in the process. I wanted to be humped against a wall, goddamn it! I wanted to be kissed like I was worth something…
I sighed desolately to myself as the end credits rolled. What did Charlie always used to say about wishing in one hand? Wish in one hand and shit in the other, see which one fills up faster. Something like that.
Tough luck, kid.
Tough luck. Tough love. Charlie never was one to pacify for the sake of making you feel better.
I had what I had. Jake loved me, even if he didn't show it very well sometimes. His intentions were usually good. I know I wouldn't be taking it too well if he was the one living with a stranger of the opposite sex - a good looking stranger at that.
I sure as hell was not apologizing to him though. He wouldn't call tomorrow, or the next day, but sometime he'd call. For now, I'd just have to stop thinking about what an asshole he was.
"Well, I think I'm going to head up to bed," I informed Edward.
I stood and stretched my limbs out thoroughly before smiling kindly at Edward, who looked somewhat perplexed. I changed into my pajamas in my bedroom then finished my nightly routine in the bathroom.
Edward was coming up the stairs as I exited so I leaned against the doorframe to wait for him. He paused on the second to the top step and kind of tripped up the last one.
I really needed to check that step, I always tripped on that one too.
"Goodnight, Edward, I hope you sleep well," I offered, pushing away from the door to head into my room. "And I'm really, really sorry about tonight," I mumbled with my back turned to him.
"Umm, yeah, don't worry about it. G'night, Bella. Sweet dreams," he replied.
Ha, yeah. Let's hope so, I thought bitterly. I smiled at him one last time before shutting my door.
My dreams weren't sweet. Every time I closed my eyes I saw angry or disapproving Charlie, or hurt Jake, or his frightening eyes. It made me restless. I tossed most of the night, finally exhausting myself into a nightmare ridden sleep at three in the morning. I awoke before my alarm at 5:57 and remembered to shut it off this time before showering.
The warm water helped relieve some of the residual tension and washed away the sweat that had formed a sticky layer on my skin. I felt more like a zombie after the shower than before it though. Despite feeling clean, I was unrefreshed, my limbs felt heavier and my brain felt more lethargic.
Upon an inspection of my mirrored reflection, I found that not only did I feel like a zombie, but I looked like one too.
These nightmares really need to stop.
I dressed in my waitress uniform in the bathroom and applied the daily necessities, adding a dab of concealer to try to hide some of the bruised-looking bags under my eyes.
I had to stifle a gasp of surprise when I opened the bathroom door and met the pair of numb, enchanting hazel eyes that haunted my dreams. My eyes traveled from Edward's, and I fought to suppress a moan as I took him in.
His hair was a mess and looked more like sex hair than I'd ever seen, but that wasn't what drew my undivided attention.
He was in his underwear. Only underwear. Only a pair of junk hugging black undies. They were so junk hugging. And he was hard. His morning wood was clear up to his hip, nearly ready to pop right out the top of his boxer briefs. Oh god, was it straining, bowing away from his body where the underwear wasn't elastically restrained. Just begging to burst free. The fabric clung to every curve and ridge of it and the only thing I couldn't see was the color of his skin there and the amount of hair-if there was any.
The tight rim of the head was obvious, the curve of the underside straining out further from the rest, the heavy scrotum hanging below. Holy mother of fuck, the bulbous tip was practically touching the rounded hip bone where his underwear band lay…
My slow mind attempted to do the math and guessed eight inches, but that seemed too small. It looked bigger. It looked huge. It looked edible, even covered by the black, thin material.
I heard him inhale deeply then release an appreciative sounding hum. My body hummed with him, my hormones going whacky and readying me to jump him. My hazed brain thought he was appreciating my body the way I was his.
I watched him inhale deeply again, his chest expanding and the ridges of his abbed stomach tightening. I wasn't much for nipples but his were perfect; I wanted to lick his nipples. I'd never wanted to lick a nipple before. Nor had I ever wanted to nibble a bellybutton, but his looked nibbleable. I admittedly had never wanted to shove an eight plus inch cock in my mouth either, but…
"It feels warm in there. Are you done?" he asked with an almost slurred, exhausted voice.
Harsh reality put a damper on my mood. His morning erection was not for me. It was for…a shower? The warmth of a shower turned him on, not the warmth of me, not my body, not me at all!
I fought with my trembling knees to remain standing, prayed that I wasn't wet clear to my fucking ankles - because it sure as hell felt like I was - and shuffled toward the side of the door, so he could pass. I could have cried. Mr. Cock-To-His-Hip didn't want me.
He inhaled and hummed gratefully as he passed. I turned, my zombie-brain completely zeroed in on nothing but him. I appreciated his ass for the twenty seconds he allowed me.
I wasn't much for asses either, but I really, really wanted to grab his, possibly attempt to bounce a nickel off of it. He must work out. He had to work out. No one had an ass that tight without working out.
"Thanks," he mumbled. Then shut the door in my face.
Thanks for what? Ogling your dong, man nipples, and tight ass? If so, anytime, Big Sexy. Thank you, Edward Masen, thank you. Next time, maybe you could tease me just a little fucking more, maybe with some whip cream smeared on your perfect 'V.' Fucking sexy cock tease…
I stumbled my way down the stairs, nearly passing out from fatigue, or an oversexed mind. I knew I was forgetting something, but it didn't dawn on me til I was making a pot of coffee.
I have a boyfriend.
It's not technically cheating if you only fuck them with your eyes, right? Jake would never know that I was totally imagining Edward screwing me in the shower, right?
Cheating's really not a crime, anyway…
All I had to do was discard the clothing and hop into the shower with him. Jake wouldn't need to know if it only happened once.
"Hey, Bella, is that coffee almost done?"
I screeched in surprise and the sugar bowl I had in my hands went flying over my shoulder.
Abort plan! Abort plan! Dude is not in the shower anymore.
"Oh, jeez, Bella, I'm so sorry." He rushed over, kneeling at my feet.
I spread my legs. "Here?" I questioned, handing him the bowl, though I hoped he'd notice my other offering.
He picked up the packets of sugar and placed them back in the bowl, though one had broken open. I tried not to snicker at the white powder on the floor. I couldn't help it, it looked like someone had a major cocaine addiction and was going to snort some blow off the floor. I did manage to withhold the urge to ask Edward if he'd like a straw.
He looked up at me when I snickered and stood up, placing the bowl of sugar packets on the counter next to me.
"Bella, you have sugar on your cheek."
"I have-" I started to ask, but my voice sounded weak and I gave up. He nodded. "Oh," I replied. So, are you going to stand there and stare at it, or are you going to lick it off?
He very slowly raised his hand toward my cheek. I blinked rapidly, trying to deduce if I was actually going to pass out or if I just felt like I was going to pass out. Everything was moving in slow motion: the swaying room, his hand toward my face, his brow wrinkling as he stared at me, his breathing pattern.
Shit, I'm not breathing. How the hell does one forget to breathe?
I tried to, but it was too late, black blotches were swimming before my eyes. His fingers brushed my cheek and the electric current he possessed ran through my body, from hair roots to toes, but mostly centering between my legs. I grasped the counter behind me.
"Passing out," I heard myself gurgle.
I think I heard him say shit.
–
I could feel my eyes fluttering and moving, but I couldn't see much. Everything was blurred and bright.
"Wuhapend?" I garbled.
"Oh, sweet fuck, I thought you were never going to wake up," Edward replied.
"Huh?"
"You passed out, Bella. Are you okay? Should I call someone? Hospital?"
My eyes cleared enough to see him kneeling over me. "No. I'm okay."
I sat up, much too quickly, and everything started to spin again. My arms were weak and I could feel them giving out. Edward caught me as I started to fall backwards again. I felt him slide up behind me and my body leaned into his.
"How's that? You scared the shit out of me. You really didn't give me much warning there."
"Sorry."
"It's fine. Are you sure you're okay?" He asked. I could feel his charged fingers tickling the skin on my neck with their electrical powers. It slowly dawned on me that he was pushing my hair over my shoulder. "How are you feeling?"
Oh, good god, I could feel his breath on my ear. Move you hands just a little bit lower and I'll be feeling fantastic. Is it possible to pass out from horniness?
"I'm fine."
"Okay. I think you should probably just sit for a few minutes."
"Yeah." I really wouldn't mind if I sat in his lap for the rest of the day actually. I think I could feel the eight plus incher on my back, sort of. Maybe that was just my imagination.
"Does that happen often?"
"Huh?"
"Do you pass out often?"
"Oh, no. I mean, unless I see blood or something."
"You pass out when you see blood? Are you bleeding?"
"No, that's not why I passed out."
"Oh. Are you sick then?"
"No. I haven't been sleeping well, I think that's why I passed out."
"Oh, so when did that start," he quizzed.
What is this, the Spanish fucking Inquisition? Can't a girl just pass out without being questioned like a criminal?
"No, she cannot. I'm trying to decide if I need to take you to the hospital or not."
What is he talking about?
"You said, 'Can't a girl just-'"
"I did not," I blurted. Shit, did I really fucking say that out loud?
"Yes, you really fucking said that out loud."
Shit! What the hell else did he hear me think? Fuck, can he hear me now?
"Yes, Bella, I can hear you when you talk out loud. You asked me if this was the Spanish Inquisition. Nothing else out of the ordinary besides that."
You probably shouldn't think about your dreams if he can hear your thoughts.
"What dreams?"
Nice, Bella, that was really fucking smooth.
"Why haven't you been sleeping? When did it start? What dreams?" He asked. His breath hitting my neck just right and making me wetter, if that was possible.
Shit, I didn't just say that, did I?
"Say what?"
Oh, good. Don't think it, don't think it, don't think it. Dreams, dreams are safer. "I've been having nightmares for years, I should be used to them by now, but since Charlie died, they've been worse. They had finally started to get better, but then you moved in and the nightmares came back tenfold."
"Oh," he said, sounding hugely disappointed, or maybe he felt bad for me or something. "Do I scare you?"
With the filter gone and this situation already being impossibly awkward, I started laughing.
"Well, jeez, Bella, way to make a man feel threatening. You should be a little scared," he replied defensively.
"Why?"
"I can be really scary."
I started laughing again. Trust me, you're definitely afraid of this man.
"So you are afraid of me?"
"Umm."
"Why?"
Shit, please don't even think that. This fucknut really needs to make up his mind.
"Are you talking about me or you?"
"Huh?"
"You just called me a 'fucknut.'"
Ha, he should hear the other nicknames we have for him.
"Oh, really?"
Fuck! No, he should not hear the other names we have for him.
"Yes, yes, he should. He wants to hear his other names," Edward purred into my neck.
Christ, my lady bits.
"You call me your lady bits?" he asked loudly.
I snorted and laughed and clutched my sides and thanked God, because I knew I couldn't be talking with how hard I was laughing. And, oh, how I really needed to stop talking. If I wasn't careful, I was going to blurt out that his dick made me tingle and his eyes gave me nightmares. I really needed to get to work.
That was probably the best idea. After seeing his dick hard – kind of – planning to go join him in the shower, passing out, and sitting in his laps blurting my thoughts, I really just needed to get my ass to work.
Still shaking with laughter, I reached for the counter and pulled myself up. My head spun a little bit, but otherwise, I was good. I looked behind me to either force out a thank you before I left or to continue laughing at him, but his eyes were trained on my face level ass.
Christ, Bella, you're probably still wet to your ankles. He probably thinks you pissed your pants.
Oh God, please tell me I did not say that out loud.
"Say what?" he asked, pulling himself to his feet next to me.
"Nothing. I need to get to work."
Yes, you really need to get to work. He's going to think I'm crazy. You are talking to yourself, so you can't really blame him. I need to go. I need to go to work. Now. Dude, can you believe the size-
I squeaked at myself and clapped my hand over my mouth. He stared at me confusedly then busted up laughing.
"I don't think you're crazy," he informed me once he calmed down. I was mortified, my hand still clamped on my big mouth. I was going to blurt something about the size of his huge dick at any moment if I didn't keep my hand there. "But do you have any idea how much this reminds me of that Gollum versus Sméagol scene in Lord of the Rings?" he continued.
I stared blankly. Did he really just compare us to Gollum? Oh, for Christ's sake, I just referred to us as 'us.' Twice!
He started laughing again and I realized that my hands had fallen from my mouth.
My precious.
He laughed harder.
Yeah. At least he didn't realize I was staring at his dick.
"Bye," I shouted, running for the front door. I was in my truck before I realized I didn't have my purse.
I wanted to crawl into a hole and die when I reentered the house. He was leaning against the counter with a cup of coffee, right next to my purse, looking hugely proud of himself, for God knows what reason.
"Did you forget something?" he asked, one eyebrow raised, and half of his mouth on the same side was turned up.
I snatched my purse from his side and left with a mumbled goodbye and something about a good day, or a good lay, or a fucking huge cock. I wasn't sure.
Work went by quickly. My filter seemed to be back and in working order around the customers. No one complained and everyone left a tip.
The house was empty when I got home. I quickly ate, then immediately fell asleep on the couch afterwards. Thankfully, I made it habit to always have my alarm set on the days I had a second shift. The alarm blaring in my room upstairs roused me. I freshened up and made my rounds cleaning at the local businesses.
I was exhausted when I came home, partially due to the fact that I'd failed to relieve a single ounce of sexual tension all day. All I could think about was this morning—the good part of the morning.
There were no messages on the answering machine and I didn't call Jake. Edward wasn't home. I made myself a bite to eat then went to my room. I waited until I heard the front door unlock with the key I'd left for him on the counter this morning. He wasn't downstairs long. He came up and paused. For some reason I held my breath, my covers clutched to my chin like I was hiding from some bad guy. I finally exhaled when I heard the bathroom door close. He spent a little time in there, then retired to his bedroom.
I waited another hour after that.
When the clock read 11:37, I silently pulled open the drawer next to my bed and grabbed the old, thin vibrator I wished I could replace with something new and thick. I stuffed the comforter between my legs and left my pajama pants and underwear on to muffle the buzzing.
It was awkward, but as soon as I imagined that man in his underwear with his giant erection, my hips bucked and I was clapping my free hand over my mouth to muffle the pants and moans of pleasure.
I didn't feel guilty for thinking about him.
A/N: Click here for the aesthetic inspiration for this chapter.
Strae made the banner and she also beta'd this chapter, check her awesome ass out - http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1930432/
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