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I settled down
A twisted up frown disguised as a smile
Well you would've never known
I had it all but not what I wanted
'Cause hope for me was a place uncharted and overgrown
You'd make your way in
I'd resist you just like this, you can't tell me to feel
The truth never set me free so I did it myself
You can't be too careful anymore
When all that is waiting for you won't come any closer
You've got to reach out a little more
Paramore ~ Careful
Chapter 2
"Hey, are you sure about this?" he asked, as I led him back to the kitchen.
I didn't answer.
I wasn't sure, at all. Everything had felt right, up until that moment I touched him. I didn't have a good feeling anymore. Something felt very, very wrong.
"Maybe we should go get a coffee or something, get to know each other a little?"
I again chose not to reply. I grabbed Charlie's chair at the table and sat in it, stealing one of his formerly untouched-for-eight-months pens and scribbled my name down on the contract I'd had drawn up. It probably came out looking something like "Baller Spawn" versus Bella Swan.
"You really don't look like you're too into this. Maybe you should think it through."
"That's what he said," I joked. I shoved the paper at him and waited expectantly.
He didn't look down. His eyes bored into mine. "Bella, I'm afraid you're taking this too lightly."
I sighed. "Listen, Edward, it's just that things have been tough around here for me recently. I need change right now, both the kind in the pocket and the kind to my life. If you don't want to live here, by all means, don't sign that contract, but I'm one hundred percent positive that this needs to happen." I'm just not sure if it's going to end well. And I have no idea why.
"I'm in a similar situation, as far as change goes. If you're sure…" he trailed off, waiting for me to encourage him.
I forced a smile and nodded, even though the urge to grab him by his chaotic bronze hair and shove him out the door was far more compelling.
He signed the contract. I felt my stomach drop somewhere around my toes as I realized it was final now, no turning back.
But I had wanted this. I needed it. I wouldn't make it another month without the monetary assistance.
He was either oblivious to my internal dilemma or was choosing to ignore it. He grinned authentically at me. "When can I start moving in?"
Bile rose into my throat as I realized that I would be living with the man. A stranger would be living in my house. He might touch Charlie's things. What if he stole something really valuable to me? I didn't know him at all, I had no idea if his honest front was a façade or genuine. I had no idea!
The fact that we both had a thirty day leeway soothed me slightly. If either of us felt it wasn't working after thirty days, he would leave. So technically, I only had to live with him for thirty days. Still, I wasn't completely assuaged.
I tried to think to answer his question but my mind tormented over the agonizing details that I'd failed to think about before.
I knew he just started a full time job in town, oddly enough at Newton's Olympic Outfitters. Where had he been before that though?
I grabbed the contract and stared at the previous address he had wrote down.
42351 North Hollywood Boulevard, Los Angeles, California.
California? Hollywood?
I had half the mind not to blurt out, "who the fuck are you?"
But Christ, who the fuck is he? What had he been doing in Los Angeles? And why in God's name is he in Forks now? Broke off his ass, no less.
What if he turned out to be a psycho, stalker, creepy freak who targeted me for his next molest and kill?
Shit, Bella, Jake could be right! screamed a part of my brain that apparently called me by my name.
Fuck! No. Jake can't be right. Jake is never right. Jake thought the internet was a conspiracy of the government to kill television. That was until he realized that there is free porn on the internet, then that theory was shot. Jake caveman, Jake have no brain.
"Are you a psycho, stalker, creepy freak that wants to molest and kill me?" I blurted.
My face heated immediately and I clapped my hand over my mouth. I really hadn't meant to say it, because no one would ever admit if they were, but it slipped. Hearing his answer had potential to appease me as well.
He chuckled, the laugh almost sounded musical. His eyes crinkled with amusement. His nose wrinkled slightly.
I cocked my head to the side and watched, I think I also may have sighed. Then I mentally slapped myself in the head and wondered if him laughing at my question was a good thing or a bad thing.
I finally decided that it didn't matter. He was utterly breathtaking, definitely a model, from Hollywood, and he was living with me. If there was one thing a poor waitress from Forks could brag about, it was definitely that a sexy as fuck model from Hollywood was living with her. The headlines if he molested and killed me would be huge!
He quirked his eyebrow at me as I started giggling. His chuckling had died away, but now I was having my own fit of laughter. I always laughed at the most inappropriate things, including my thoughts, and the thought of the sexy model man making huge headlines for sexually assaulting me and then killing me made my throat bubble with tactless laughter. It wasn't funny, nothing of that nature ever was, but I still laughed at its expense. Maybe it was the farfetched thought of him having even the slightest sexual inclination towards me or maybe I was crazy. Both seemed like likely culprits.
He confirmed that the latter was definitely true by having his own bout of unsure expressions. He actually looked a bit afraid. I shut my giggling mouth promptly.
"You can start moving in whenever you want," I answered.
He nodded.
Not much more was said before he left. He mentioned possibly stopping by tomorrow around noon to bring a few items. I didn't give him a key yet since he technically wasn't living there and I would be home at noon. He left and we avoided physical contact, nodding at each other and wishing a good night. It was awkward.
–
That night, I cleaned meticulously. It almost killed me to do it, but I rearranged. I moved his pens, his slippers, and his aviators. I cleaned out his closet, packing away his clothes to store in the attic. I moved the furniture in his room to suit me better. I finally transferred the last of my clothing into the room I'd been staying in for two months.
I cleaned the dust bunnies from underneath the sofa, the ancient kool-aid stain from the bottom of the fridge – which I swore had been there since I was nine and spilled it – and I even attempted to remove the blackened burn mark on the banister that Charlie had made just last year with a candle after a terrible storm had knocked out the power. I cried when the black started to relent to the rich brown.
I took the plaque with his badge down and carefully dusted away every last dirty particle. I dug a pair of my underwear out from behind the washing machine. I vacuumed and frebreezed the couch.
I called Jake in tears when I found Charlie's favorite fishing lure snagged in the underside of the cushion of his favorite chair.
Jacob arrived twenty minutes later. I was still hysterical. It was two in the morning. I told him everything I knew and worried about my new housemate to the pair of underwear I hadn't realized I'd lost to how much I missed my father.
He listened. He held me. I fell asleep, exhausted and cried out, against his chest.
I woke to brightness and instantaneously wondered how late I was going to be for work. I then remembered it was my weekend off and sighed. I pulled the fleece throw tighter to my chin. Jake was gone and I wondered when he left. There was no note and I don't remember him waking me to tell me he was leaving.
I closed my eyes and recalled a time when I was eight years old.
Charlie had taken me with him to La Push, he planned to fish all day and couldn't leave me at home, though I remember begging him to. Billy and Harry were Charlie's best friends, and I was offered the choice to either stay at Sue Clearwater's with her and Harry's daughter, Leah, who was my age, and son, Seth, who was four at the time, as well as with Rebecca and Rachel, Billy's twin daughters, who were ten, and son, Jacob, who was six.
I opted for a day on the boat, in the water, versus being stuck with the loud bunch. It had been sunny out that day and I had my latest Babysitter's Club book clutched protectively to my chest while I watched the other kids run and scream wantonly. Jacob had immediately expressed his want to come too after finding out I was going. I remember feeling irritated, thinking my day in the warm sun reading had been ruined.
But it hadn't been. Jacob sat silently by my side while I read. The water sloshed noisily against the side of the boat and rocked it in a sickening way, but I told myself it was better than being stuck in the loud, small house in La Push.
Jacob fell asleep, his head lolling against my shoulder. It made me smile. I remember thinking he was cute with his shiny, long jet black hair and his dark pink pouty lips. His black eyelashes would flutter against his russet cheeks when one of the dads would speak loudly or the water would jostle exceptionally hard, but he didn't rouse completely until Charlie shook him forcefully enough to make his head bobble.
I read my whole book that day and everyone was fried to a sunburned crisp, but neither of those were the reasons I remembered the day so well. I remember it because I think it was the day I realized I loved Jacob a little bit.
Charlie had always pushed our relationship. I could remember the night of my senior prom perfectly.
"Bells, you are going to break that poor boy's heart."
I scowled at Charlie. "Jacob goes to school at the reservation, dad, I'm not allowed to invite him to my prom."
"Come on, kid, you know they aren't that strict. No one would say anything," persuaded my father.
I groaned. "Dad, for the tenth time, I. Have. A. Date."
He rolled his eyes. "That Tyler Crowley is trouble," he growled.
I sighed exasperatedly. "I'll be home by ten."
I grabbed the shawl I planned to use off the back of the chair next to Charlie and spun to leave, heading over to Alice's house where my dress awaited me.
"Isabella, wait," Charlie called.
I froze. He only called me Isabella when I was in trouble, or worse, in need of a "Jacob loves you" pep talk. I felt the tears pricking at my eyes, the bile rising to my throat, the urge to run making my calf muscles tighten expectantly.
My father came up behind me, close enough to lay a hand on my shoulder but he didn't. "Bells, I know you're mad at him, but please, just give him another chance. He's taking this fight really hard. He's devastated that you're going out with someone else tonight."
I bit back my childish retort about being glad that he was devastated.
If Charlie only knew.
Jacob and I had been… dating on and off most of our adolescent lives. He was sweet and caring, he was the only person I could really talk to besides Alice. He was my best friend, but he wanted more. He always wanted more. He claimed to love me, I returned the endearment readily. Just a week before prom, he convinced me to take the giant leap from just friends to more. He was my first boyfriend, my first kiss, the first boy to turn me on.
Our kissing became heated on more than one occasion. His hands were large and gentle, and always searching. They rested on the back of my thighs or cupped my butt or toyed with the skin on my back and stomach or when I didn't tell him to stop, they were up my shirt and squeezing me through my bra.
His voice was always deep and husky now, he'd matured quickly. He was so tall for sixteen, definitely more physically mature than even most of the boys my age. But his mind was sixteen, even if his body was not.
That night, a week ago, I felt so betrayed. I gave him my virginity, and he laughed and said he couldn't believe I finally gave in. He'd lasted twelve point four seconds while I was in agonizing pain and he laughed at me when it was over.
He didn't tell me he loved me when I left in tears. He hardly even apologized. He just laid on his bed, naked, with a shit eating grin plastered on his face.
Like I was some sort of prize. He probably even called his friends to tell them what a stupid whore I was.
He didn't call the next day either.
I laid in bed, thank God it was a Saturday. My crotch hurt when I moved and Charlie believed me when I told him I didn't feel well. The bathroom mirror confirmed that I looked like shit when I passed it on my way to the toilet. I nearly threw up before peeing like I'd intended to do. Of course, then I saw the blood stain on my panties, and I knew it wasn't my period, and I did throw up.
Charlie didn't know that Jacob waited two days before calling me after he stole my virginity. He didn't take it, he stole it. He used me. He tricked me with promises and loving words. Then he fucking laughed at me. And claimed to be "giving me space," "time to heal," "a chance to cool down." I don't think I ever wanted to wring his neck more. Or to just lock myself away from the world and cry my eyes out.
I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of either. I refused his calls after the first one. I refused to see him, even when I ran into him on my front porch. I just walked by like I didn't even see him there. Numb.
I was going to my senior prom, with another boy. Taking Jacob had been my plan, but he could go straight to hell for all I cared now.
Charlie relented. He didn't reach out to stop me as I walked away from him. I wouldn't tell him what Jacob did to me. I couldn't. Even if I hated Jacob, I still loved him. He was my best friend and I couldn't, I wouldn't ruin his and Charlie's relationship.
I went to the Cullen's house and showered in their luxurious shower, used their super soft, fluffy towels, and changed into my mediocre and fitting dress. Alice chattered aimlessly at me, looking absolutely gorgeous as always, while she applied my makeup and did my hair.
I nearly broke down when she hugged me and told me she loved me and how beautiful I was. Alice was my real best friend that night; she was there for me because Jacob couldn't be.
Tyler Crowley picked me up from the Cullen mansion – definitely mansion, not house. He had rented a decent looking silver car. It reminded me of a soccer-mom car, but it was better than his rusty, old van by a long shot.
He told me I was "fucking hot" and barely tried to hide the fact that there was a pack of condoms in his pocket, not to mention the roll of quarters, or he was just really happy to see me.
I fully intended to let him have sex with me, with no more reason than I was pissed at Jake and I wanted to choose to have sex with someone.
Fate intervened. Halfway through a slow dance, which Tyler took as his chance to rub his erection all over my midsection, Charlie came running through the gymnasium, hollering my name.
I was so ashamed, so embarrassed seeing my father, decked out in his police gear, ruining the prom for everyone and not just me. But then he told me, barely able to stop his own tears.
Jacob had been in a motorcycle accident. He was trying to get to the Forks High School to come see me, to steal me away from the creep with his hands all over my ass, but he was sideswiped around the legendary killer curve. The semi hit Jake. Almost every bone in Jake's body was broken.
Jake was barely alive. His arms and legs were broke in multiple places, his clavicle was broken, his kidneys were bruised, his sternum and pelvis were fractured. Odd bits and pieces of information were absorbed, all I kept hearing repeated over and over again was that he was in critical condition, lucky to be alive. Multiple major surgeries were ahead of him.
When Billy was wheeled into the waiting room, the tears multiplied. I felt like I was drowning. I could hardly breathe I was sobbing so hard, I couldn't see because of the heavy tears. I hugged his neck blindly and tried to apologize though I couldn't even catch a breath.
Charlie led me outside after that. I tried to gulp down the fresh, cool May air. He rubbed my back and told me everything would be okay. He told me he already talked to my advisor and that I wouldn't have to go back to school if I didn't want to. Finals were over and done, and the last time I checked my GPA was at a 4.0. I was accepted into Washington State University in Seattle and would major in Literature. I had a partial grant and planned to find a job immediately to pay for student loans.
And I didn't know if Jake was going to be alive tomorrow.
Jacob made it. I spent the whole summer with him while he healed. I blamed myself. Jacob promised to never hurt me again. I almost didn't leave for college. Jacob convinced me I had to go, but after being nearly inseparable all summer, it was hard.
The night before I had to leave, we'd had sex again. The first time since the first time. He lasted fifteen point six seconds. I wasn't upset because we made love and he didn't laugh at me when it was over. He told me he loved him and I promised to come home every weekend.
It didn't work that way. Between the amazing job I had at the bookstore right off campus and my homework load, I could barely even sleep. I made it home for the holidays and not much else. I talked to Jacob every night before going to sleep. I called Charlie every Sunday morning. I always spent my summers at home.
Then all hell broke loose. Charlie was taken so unexpectedly. I dropped out of college, because I couldn't even bear the thought of leaving again. But it was too late.
That fucking bastard Tyler Crowley ruined everything. He ruined my prom and he ruined my life.
A knock on the door drew me from my thoughts and I took my fleece blanket with me when I answered the door, completely confused on who the hell would be here.
It wasn't until I opened the door and saw Edward, in all his glory, standing there that I realized it was noon.
He was clean shaven and freshly tousled. His shirt was well fitting and emphasized his broad shoulders. His dark jeans hung low on his hips and clung to all the right places.
He cleared his throat and I realized just how blatantly obvious my up-down had been. If he'd just done the same to me, he would have seen ratnested hair, bloodshot eyes, and a red fleece drawn tightly over a baggy t-shirt and ratty sweats.
"I-" just eye fucked you–didn't sleep well–have to pee really bad–had a bad night… "forgot you were coming."
His lips curled up towards his right eye. "Obviously."
I didn't know if I wanted to laugh or cry or slap him. All three had equal potential. "If you'll just excuse me for a moment," I offered, almost too politely.
I dashed for the stairs, halfway up, I managed to trip on both a step and the blanket billowing around my legs. I was barely able to free my hands in time to catch myself, my forehead thudded lightly into the edge of a step.
"Shit!" Edward exclaimed. I heard his footsteps thundering up each of the steps before I felt him gently rolling me over and sitting me up. "Are you okay? Shit! Do you need a doctor? Shit! How bad is it? Shit!"
I groaned and rubbed the sore spot on my forehead. The only way this could get worse is if I pissed my pants, which was likely to happen at any moment.
I barely turned towards him to mumble, "Can you just leave now?"
"What? No! Bella you hit your head, I'm not leaving-"
"Edward, please, I'm fine. Just like…go. Come back in fifteen minutes. Please." He stared at me for a long moment, his face going stony with determination. "Please. I'm fine!"
My voice rose a bit with panic and he finally nodded, moving from his kneeled position at my side. I really knew I was okay when I ogled his ass as he descended the steps. He shut the door behind him. I took my time up the remaining stairs.
I peed, washed my face, brushed my teeth, and combed my hair, pulling it back in a pony, then changed and made it down the stairs at 12:20, just as he knocked on the door. I put on a false smile.
"Edward! How wonderful for you to be here. I was expecting you twenty minutes ago!" My voice was fake to the highest degree.
"How hard did you hit your head?" he asked.
I glared. "Please, please, do come in."
He rolled his eyes at me then smiled amusedly. "The traffic was terrible. So sorry to be late."
I nearly laughed at the slight British inflection he added to his voice. "Oh, not at all."
We stared blankly at each other, momentarily gauging each other's level of crazy in the silence.
"Okay, what'd you bring?" I asked boredly.
He kind of snorted at me and I almost wondered if such an offensive sound came from him. It had. I was shocked.
"I brought everything."
I felt the confusion on my face. I peeked around him towards the small black car parked in my drive, next to my truck. I looked back to him to see his cheeks stained a light pink and his eyes diverted to the side. He was embarrassed. He fit everything he owned into that tiny black car.
"I kind of moved the twin bed out of your room last night. I assumed… I… sorry?"
"Oh," he replied, looking sheepish. "I, um, can't afford to buy one right now with giving you first and last months rent. I can… It's okay."
"We'll move it back, no problem," I said. I brushed past him through the door. "Let's get your things in here before it starts raining again."
I thought I heard him sigh but I couldn't be sure.
It took about fifteen minutes to get everything of his from the car into his room. There wasn't much. A couple duffle bags, a few boxes, a small TV.
He followed me into my room to get the twin bed that I'd drug into there, planning to take it to the Goodwill or something eventually. He smirked when I gawked at him picking up the mattress with ease. I nearly gave myself a hernia trying to drag it. Disgruntled, I grabbed the metal frame and carried that.
The rest of the day felt like a new routine in the making. We ate lunch together in the small kitchen. I tried not to be upset when he took Charlie's chair, though I was. We talked in a restrained way about ourselves. I could tell he was editing, just as I was.
All I really found out was that he was some sort of former musician. He was born in Chicago. He had lived in his car for the past month.
My stomach clenched at the anguish in his eyes. He was well in control of his emotions though, and immediately hid the pain from me. He smiled, and I realized for the first time that his smile wasn't truly genuine – it didn't reach his eyes.
"So, Bella, what is there to do in Forks, Washington?"
He laughed despite the obvious disappointment on his face when I told him there was nothing to do in Forks.
We talked a bit more, then I impulsively turned on the game because it was what I did every Sunday. It reminded me of Charlie, it made him feel closer, it soothed me to hear the sportscaster in the distance as I washed clothes and tried to decide what to make for supper.
I talked to Jake after eating with Edward. We told each other about our day and didn't breech the subject about what happened the night before. I started yawning fifteen minutes into my chat with him.
He told me he loved me and we said goodnight. I watched twenty minutes of Spiderman with Edward, then excused myself to shower and get ready for bed.
I was asleep by eight o'clock and up at five. I grumbled to myself and decided to check my email, scanning through all the forwards that Alice, Emmett, and Renee had sent me. I emailed Angela–the only real friend I'd had at UW–back, letting her know that I was doing good. I sent Alice and Renee the same email informing them that I found a housemate after my two month search. They both had wanted to know immediately when I found "the one."
After scanning the web for an hour, I put on my work uniform, pulled up my hair, and went downstairs to start a pot of coffee. The moment it started seeping into the catch, enticing me with its rich brown color, strong scent, and energizing capabilities, my alarm clock started buzzing in my bedroom, reminding me that I forgot to shut it off.
I groaned, charging up the stairs, trying to be quiet, and failing, so not to wake Edward, while trying to get to my obnoxious alarm clock, before it woke Edward.
It was a lost cause. I got the clock shut off but I could hear Edward shuffling around in his room. I was halfway down the stairs when Edward left his room and entered the bathroom.
Edward joined me at the kitchen table a half hour later, shaved and clean, and smelling like a Hollywood model should. I may have salivated.
I unthinkingly took the final swig from my coffee cup and gagged as the cold contents hit my mouth. I swallowed with a shiver and grimace. Nothing like cold, nearly vomit inducing coffee to bring you out of a lusty stupor.
"Good morning," I offered, trying to sound at least partially cheerful.
"Are you one of those goddamn morning people?" he replied testily.
"No, not really," I said back, letting all the fake enthusiasm drain away.
"Oh, thank god," he groaned tiredly. He dropped into the chair next to me with his coffee. "Thank you for making coffee. It's alright that I helped myself, isn't it?"
I nodded. "Absolutely. Your rent covers grocery expenses, you just need to let me know what you like. Besides, I enjoy having someone to cook for again." It felt like a terrible lot of talking for so early in the morning.
I felt him watching me and realized that I'd used the word, "again." I'd been so careful last night not to let it slip about Charlie and there I went and already ruined it this morning.
"Well, I have to go to work. Have a nice day. Oh, by the way, my boyfriend, Jacob, is coming over tonight to meet you. Hope that's alright. He's going to be…umm, territorial? Heed me warning."
My hasty departure spooked a neighbor dog when the door slammed. At least with it barking, I couldn't hear my heart pounding in my ears.
I didn't want to talk about Charlie with a stranger.
A/N: My beta is on FF and Twilighted as Strae – you should take a minute or two to check out her fuckawesome stories. We've even collaborated on a one-shot together, which can be found on her profile.
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