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A/N: Thanks to Strae for the beta job. If you haven't read her work yet, you're really missing out.
The tragedy it seems unending
I'm watching everyone I looked up to breaking, bending
Paramore ~ Turn It Off
Chapter 3
I rarely arrived to work so happy. Being away from Edward's penetrating gaze and in the normal hustle and bustle of the café was incredibly soothing. Everyone was quiet on Monday mornings, lethargic and definitely not staring at me with hazel eyes that pried. I was free to wonder and assume while performing the tedious task of order taking.
I'd had nightmares last night. Nightmares were normal for me, especially after Jake's accident and even more so after Charlie's death. They were finally starting to lessen eight months later, but last night had been the worst night I could remember in a long time.
The first had been a house fire. I was stuck in bodyless arms that constricted around me, holding me back as the flames licked the house, higher and higher, consuming it in entirety. My home, all my belongings, everything I loved, gone–charred to ashen nothings. All my memories of Charlie, everything I had that reminded me of him was enflamed and reduced to ashes.
The second dream was more of a memory than a dream, though in memory it hadn't been me that had been the source and recipient of Charlie's rage.
Charlie paced, back and forth again, his face red with anger.
"How-" he cut himself off, choking on his words.
He swallowed thickly, I imagine he was gulping down bile. I wiped the fresh tears from my face and pushed my hand through my hair, meeting snarls and crunchy sand. I dropped my hand defeatedly and hugged the oversized sweatshirt closer to my body.
"Dad, I-"
The glare he shot me shut me up promptly and I leaned back into the sofa. This wasn't about me. This was about Jake, and he was in an assload of trouble.
"What-" he stopped again, growling this time. His feet stamped impossibly harder into the Black's old wood floor, making the floorboards rattle.
I almost chuckled at the cartoon hilarity that flashed behind my eyes; Charlie, hitting a loose floorboard, and smacking himself on the forehead with it. But this wasn't a laughing matter.
"Why-" he huffed, unable to finish again.
I'd never seen Charlie so inarticulate. Charlie never had a problem speaking his mind, unless it involved his feelings. His feelings must be really having a big play on this on, I thought.
"Who- When- Where-" He couldn't complete a single sentence.
Finally, he stopped pacing. His whole body lurched in Jake's direction and for a brief moment, I thought Charlie was going to hit him, or kill him. Jacob shrunk back into the couch, looking impossibly small for someone so large. Charlie was seething, his body practically quivering with fury.
"How could you put her in danger that way, Black? I trust you to keep her safe, and you nearly killed her." Jake's body shook and I stared blankly at the first tear to run down his cheek. Jake never cried. "What the hell were you thinking?" Jake flinched as my father's voice grew impossibly louder, more tears falling. "Why on earth would allow her… No, why on earth would you suggest for my daughter to jump off a cliff?" I sniffed as my own tears started again. I'd never seen Charlie come close to this amount of anger before. I'd never seen Jacob cry before, either, even when he was in excruciating pain. "Who would do that? Who would tell someone to jump off a cliff, Black? When the hell did you decide it would be okay to suggest that my daughter kill herself? Where the hell did you even come up with the ridiculous idea? Do I know you at all, Jacob Black? I thought I did, I thought you were good for her. But you're not. You're done with my daughter, Black. You won't look at her ever again, you won't speak to her, you won't even think her name, do you hear me?"
He practically spat the final words. Jacob was crying openly, sobbing and rocking slightly. Charlie grabbed my arm, surprisingly gentle in his anger.
"No!" I cried as he tried to pull me away from the couch, away from Jake.
I broke his grasp easily and jumped on Jake, hugging his neck. "Jake, it's okay. I know it's not your fault. I'm sorry. Please. I love you."
"Don't apologize to him, Isabella," my father instructed.
Jacob wouldn't look at me. He didn't speak to me. I wondered if he would think my name…
Charlie drug me home, kicking and screaming. "Stop being so difficult, Bells, I'm just teaching that kid a lesson," he drawled darkly from the front seat of the cruiser. He met my eyes for only a moment then paid close attention to the road again. "You're grounded. You're not allowed to see or talk to Alice, Emmett, or Jacob for a month."
"I'm nineteen," I whined.
"You acted like a child today, Bella. You live in my house. You live by my rules. You live-" he sort of choked again and it wasn't on anger this time. His hand gripped my shoulder tightly and his eyes stayed fixed on the road ahead.
"I'm sorry," I whimpered.
He shook his head. "I know, Bella. I never had to ground you before, you've always been a smart kid, a good kid, but you understand why I have to do this, don't you?"
I nodded. "Because you have to. You're my dad."
He nodded too. "Yes, Bella. If I don't punish you both for this, I'm afraid of what could happen."
"I'll never do something so stupid, ever again," I promised.
He met my eyes just momentarily again. "I know. But I still have to do what I think is right."
And I accepted my punishment. I didn't see or talk to anyone besides Charlie for a month. I think I drove him a bit crazy.
It had been during my first summer home from college. Emmett, Alice, and I all went to separate colleges, and we all were so excited to be home together.
Alice and Emmett had been my best friends since junior high. All three of us were new in town, the talk of the town, and friendless.
Alice and Emmett were twins, adopted by Carlisle and Esme Cullen, and had just moved to Forks from Chicago. Carlisle Cullen was Forks Hospital's new lead physician. Esme worked from home. They were rich…like rich. The house they had built was five miles off the main road, secluded, and huge! It wasn't the type of house that belonged in Forks. Building it out in the middle of the forest only seamed to make it more attention worthy. Few were brave, or bold, enough to just drive back there to see it, but everyone talked about it.
I was one of the only ones to see the inside of it and know the truth.
It fit the Cullens perfectly. The outside was white, almost sterile looking, and so large. It was three stories high, with a wrap around deck on each level. Nearly every pane was a picture window, large and inviting you inside. It was frighteningly beautiful, offputting in some degree from how immaculate it was yet fascinatingly welcoming in another. From the outside it was mysterious, like the Cullens themselves.
But inside it was warm and perfect, just like Esme. Inside it was charming and beautiful, just like Carlisle. Inside it was large, open, and relaxed, just like Emmett. Inside it was lively and friendly, just like Alice. It was a home. The Cullen's felt very much like a home, away from home.
Emmett and Alice were complete opposites. It was clear they were fraternal twins, not identical. Sometimes, I even doubted they were twins at all, except they had that stupid twintuition thing going on.
Emmett had clearly taken all the nutrients in utero. He was massive at around six and half feet tall. His hair was dark and surprisingly curly compared to his sister's. Blocky, big, and incredibly childish. His ringlets combined with his deep dimples just screamed youth, despite his monstrous body. He never matured mentally either, which only added to his young looks.
Alice on the other hand was fay small, pixie tiny, elfish or dwarfish. Her hair was equally as dark as Emmett's and unless you saw her moments after she crawled out of bed, it was always pin straight and standing just so. Her size contradicted her energy level. Sometimes I wondered if I could bottle it and sell it as one of those tasty energy drinks. I'd make millions. What Emmett lacked in mental maturity, Alice made up for. She was all business where anything important was involved. She was just insane enough to be my best friend.
I loved them both dearly, and often wondered what the hell their parents looked like. I imagined a couple that were opposingly tall and short, hulky and scrawny, like Em and Al.
So that summer we were all home, happy, enjoying summer, together.
There had been a party on the reservation, at First Beach, and drinking may have been involved. I was only slightly tipsy, just enough to let go of some inhibitions. I danced with Emmett and Alice and Jake, and even Seth and Embry and Quil, Sam once too. Jake would steal me away from everyone, claiming one dance was enough. It made me giggle, seeing him so possessive around his friends, my friends.
We made a group decision to ditch the beach and head up to the cliffs. It was a long walk. I fell a lot before Jake finally gave me a piggy back ride. I remember smacking his ass a couple times and telling him to "giddy up."
I may have been more than just slightly tipsy.
The long hike and cool air helped sober me slightly. It wasn't until we reached the top of the cliff that I realized we weren't all up here for the view. Sam and most of the other boys started shedding clothing and Jake was grinning, following suit.
Alice, Leah, and I were the only girls at the top of the cliff. Leah started taking her clothes off too. I was inebriated and I started to panic slightly, thinking there was going to be some crazy gang rape on the cliff or something. Surely Jacob and Emmett wouldn't let something like that happen to Alice and I.
A ridiculous sounding yell, which could only be described as a failed war cry, came from behind me and I watched Sam run and vault off the edge of the cliff.
Jake grabbed my shirt just as I was about to run after Sam. Why, I'm not sure, since he already jumped and there was nothing I could do for him. I didn't hear him land, which I was thankful for.
"Come on, baby, off with these clothes," ordered Jake, pulling my shirt upwards.
Drunk and scared, I hadn't even fought him as he undressed me, leaving me shivering in my underwear. Alice looked as scared as I did, Emmett was bouncing on his toes with excitement.
Everyone was in their skivvies, waiting their turn, most excited. I gasped when I watched Leah dive from the cliff. Only Seth and Quil were left ahead of us. I stepped to the edge and looked down.
The water seemed so far away. I couldn't even see it below, but I could hear it crashing against the rocks. I watched first Quil, then Seth fall. They looked like they were flying though, not falling.
I could hear my heart racing. I knew I was going to do this. The adrenaline spiked through my system and the rush felt good.
I gasped when Jake stepped in behind me and pressed his groin against me back. He was hard.
"I'm horny," he said, his voice quiet and deep in my ear. I forgot all fear. Jake had never said that to me before. "I can't wait to fall with you. It'll be just like sex."
Alice tried to convince me not to jump. She wasn't going to. She was scared. She tried to talk me down from the ledge, literally. She swore something bad was going to happen.
I didn't listen. Alice was right.
Jake's promise had been somewhat true.
Jake and I jumped together, hand in hand. I screamed when I fell, I screamed that I loved him. He laughed the whole way down.
It hurt and I was unfulfilled by it.
All I remember was the car crash feeling when I hit the water. The only thing I could compare it to was being crushed between a car and a brick wall. I felt every bone and every muscle in my body scream in protest at the impact. Cold and hard. I blacked out.
The only reason I am alive today is because Jake jumped with me. Had we jumped separate, I would have died.
He told me he knew he couldn't let go the moment he hit the water, just a millisecond before I did. He said it hurt when he hit it, and he knew just how much trouble I was in. He didn't let go of my hand. He pulled me up with him. Emmett jumped after us. He helped Jacob pull me to the shore.
I remember feeling hands crashing into my chest. I lurched upwards, spewing salt water and vomit all over Jacob's chest and legs. He didn't seem to care. He rolled me onto my side, patting my back encouragingly as I threw up more water and alcohol.
"God, baby, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done that to you. I wasn't thinking. Oh, god, Bella, I'm sorry. I love you. Baby, please don't hate me. I'm so sorry. I love you so much."
I couldn't speak to reply because my lungs were so greedy for air. Each breath hurt worse than the last. My throat ached, my head throbbed, my whole body felt heavy.
"Jesus, Alice!"
I forced my head up to see Alice running across the beach towards me. She literally skidding on her knees to land by my head. She was crying, she couldn't breathe either, and I tried to ask her if she was okay, but nothing came out. She quickly wrapped me in someone's sweatshirt. I hadn't realized how cold I was until the warm, dry fabric was against my icy skin. I shuddered.
"You fucking asshole," Alice screamed. "I hope Charlie tears your fucking throat out and shoves it up your ass. You could have fucking killed her. I hope she hates you for this. You prick. You piece of shit. You fucking douche bag motherfucker!"
Someone drug her off when she started beating Jake with her tiny fists. I think it was Emmett but I was too tired to be sure.
Jacob continued his apologies then. "Don't hate me, baby. I'm so sorry. Please, please don't hate me, Bella. I love you."
I blacked out again, because I still couldn't remember anything between then and waking up in Billy's living room. I was bundled tightly in a blanket against Jake's bare chest and legs, my face in his throat. I wasn't cold anymore, I was sweating, so was Jake.
I groaned, which hurt like a motherfucker. Jake sighed. I swallowed and tried to repress another groan.
Jake moved me from his lap, disappeared into the kitchen, and returned with a cup of tea and my father. Charlie said nothing, just stared as Jake handed me the cup. "It's going to hurt like hell going down, baby, but just drink it all. You need to."
I listened to him, like I always did. It did hurt, hurt really fucking bad, but I trusted Jake, still. The tea helped eventually though. My throat was less sore and my body didn't feel so heavy.
"Thank you," I said to Jake.
He almost smiled, but Charlie didn't give him the chance. "Yeah, Jake, thanks so much."
The sarcasm was bitter and biting. Jake sat down on the opposite side of the couch from me and waited.
Charlie's punishment worked. Jacob left me alone for a week, but then showed up at my door when Charlie was at work.
"Baby, I'm so sorry," he said, his jaw shaking slightly.
I rocked on my heals in indecision and chewed my lip thoughtfully. "You're not supposed to be here," I decided.
His face fell. His eyes locked on the ground. "How much do you hate me? Will you ever take me back?"
"Oh, Jake, no, that's not what I mean. I mean Charlie doesn't want you here, not I don't want you here. I don't hate you."
His eyes raised up to mine slowly. "You should," he said. It was the only thing he said before his lips were crashed to mine. He kissed me roughly, with too much tongue and too much hands, but I liked it because Jake never kissed me that way.
"Baby, I missed you so much. I thought you were mad at me. I thought you hated me. I thought I was going to be alone forever."
I tugged on his hair, bringing his mouth back to mine but he kissed me softly now, slowly. There wasn't enough tongue and there wasn't enough hands, it was just Jacob.
I pushed him away. "Jake, you have to go. Three more weeks. Charlie is punishing us both and I for one am not going to test him. You know he knows everything…" I trailed off and searched the road for the cruiser I expected to see at any moment.
Jake nodded. "I love you, Bells."
"I love you too, Jake."
He grinned, looking happy and satisfied.
By the end of my punishment, Charlie was practically pushing me out the door every chance I got.
"Alice needs to take you shopping."
"Jacob needs to take you to the beach."
"Emmett needs to get you out of here so I can watch the game in peace."
I laughed at him each time he tried to get me out of the house. Apparently a month of his bored daughter yakking at him had been more than enough.
I spent most of the rest of the summer at the Cullen's and in La Push, not even close to stupid enough to think about ever jumping off a cliff again.
In the dream, Charlie's scream had been directed at me. His face was red, the vein in his forehead was protruded and throbbing, his eyes were livid. His voice didn't come with his screaming. No words came, though his mouth formed them and he was obviously shouting at me. I was in Jacob's place, at the Black-Shack even. Charlie was furious, I had no idea why. I had no idea what he was yelling at me about.
My third nightmare was borderline between a dream and nightmare. I decided to think of it as a nightmare because of the way it haunted my dreams between my other nightmares.
It was only of eyes. Two eyes, staring. Prying. They were hazel eyes, rich green with flecks of dark gold. Sometimes they were anguished, tortured. Sometimes they were numb and dull, everything hiding below their surface. Every time I saw them, I felt them staring into my soul. It was unnerving.
They looked like they wanted my secrets. They were trying to see right through me. They were the worst when they were dead looking, so flat on the surface. They showed so little, but asked for so much. The pained eyes showed me a suffering soul so like my own, but the dead eyes scared me.
They scared me because I think mine looked the same.
The strange eyes wanted my secrets. I wanted the strange eyes' secrets, too.
The strange eyes belonged to my stranger. I wondered how long we could keep our secrets hid.
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