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A/N: HUGE thanks to my beta because she's amazing, and she does this shit in the most ridiculous situations. Click here to show Strae love.
I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
But now I feel like I don't know you
One day you'll get sick of
Saying that everything's alright...
Paramore ~ Let This Go
Chapter 8
Jake asked one more time about the whole marriage bullshit before I finally just let him down. I tried to go easy, but I found I couldn't.
– – –
He stared at me expectantly as he sat beside me on the couch.
I don't know what the fuck he expected. He hadn't once gotten down on a knee, he sure as hell didn't have a ring, and his proposals were basically as insulting as, "Hey, let's get hitched!"
"Listen, Jake," I tried to start, but Jake jumped up off the couch unexpectedly.
"You already fucked him, didn't you?"
I honestly couldn't even be surprised at his outburst. Since the night a week ago when he suggested I sleep with someone else while still dating him, he'd practically been inseparable from my side. Not to mention so disgustingly touchy-feely that I wanted to shower and throw up every time he did leave.
Yeah, Horny Bella was dead and gone—okay, not really, but she obviously didn't want to be anywhere near Jake.
He just loved to grab a tit while Edward was in the room. Edward basically made himself nonexistent over the entire week.
"You're making me uncomfortable," I said, going with my current train of thought. "You're making all of us uncomfortable."
"All of us?" he asked disbelievingly. "Who the fuck is all of us?"
"Are you comfortable, Jake?" I implored.
His mouth opened to answer, but then his face fell and he sank back into the couch next to me. "Not anymore," he answered.
"Exactly."
He shook his head. "No, Bella, you don't understand. I was perfectly comfortable before Edward came along."
I swallowed loudly, but forced myself to keep talking, and in an even voice—like an adult. "Edward wasn't a threat to you until you started being a righteous ass. Edward also has a 'significant other' so we won't be having sex, Jake. I won't have sex with Edward," while either of us is attached.
Jake almost seemed to understand what I'd left unspoken, though he accused me of nothing.
"I wasn't comfortable before Edward came along though, Jake, I was just too afraid to say anything, but I think you know that. Our relationship would always be strained because of what we can't have together."
"Sex," Jake muttered.
"No, happiness. You said yourself that you can't make me happy, and you were right, you can't. But it's not you, Jake, it's me."
He groaned and rolled his head back onto the couch. "You're seriously fucking breaking this off with an 'it's not you, it's me' bit? Save it, Bella, we both fucking know who is the big fucking failure in this relationship."
"Stop it," I demanded. "Stop the fucking guilt trip and the self-pity and all that fucking bullshit. It is me, Jake. I can't be happy because I don't want to be. I'm not willing to try to be happy with you anymore."
He scowled. "You're not willing to try to be happy with me anymore?" he repeated.
I shook my head. "No, I'm not. I no longer feel any sort of attraction to you at all," I admitted.
Jake hissed and kind of started to hug himself. "That was harsh, Bells."
"Jake, could you try to see it from my side for one second, please? How many times did I dress up and put myself out on a limb, only to have you reject me? How do you think that felt for me? Every time you turned me away, no matter how easy you tried to let me down, how harsh do you think it was to always feel like you weren't attracted to me at all? I felt like a failure. What type of woman can't please her man, let alone even turn him on?"
"Bells, you know it's not because I'm not attracted to you. I am, a lot, you have to remember," he whispered sadly.
"Yeah, Jake, I remember, but things change. I don't want to marry you and I don't want to have sex with you," I stated, sighing when I finally got that off my chest.
"So what, you're bitter now and being unnecessarily harsh because you felt like I've been rejecting you?" he asked angrily.
"No—"
"What about what you said a week ago, huh? You said I had to fuck you or let you go, Bells, but you won't let me try."
I stared at him pointedly. "Jake, you really haven't been trying very hard."
He grimaced and looked away, hugging himself again. "You know it's not my fault."
"No, Jake, it never is. I'm the bitter, harsh bitch, right?"
He turned back toward me. "So what, this is fucking over now? All those fucking years, just thrown the fuck away? How I feel about you, that doesn't matter at all?" he asked loudly. He was angry, but so was I.
"Yes, Jake, it matters, it's what has always mattered to me. But now it's time for me to care about what I want and how I feel. I don't want you and I won't let myself settle for an unhappy life."
"What would Charlie say? He wanted us to be together, he wanted you to marry me. What the hell would Charlie—"
"Shut up! Just stop, Jake. We're done. Get out."
He stood up and without another word, he started to walk away. Without turning back around, he angrily said, "You're a bitter harpy and you're always going to make men miserable. Don't come crying to me when you realize just what a sad excuse for a woman you really are. I was the best thing you were ever going to get, baby."
I waited until I heard him leaving in his car, then I let the raw emotion take me under.
It wasn't the fact that his words were mean and hurtful, I was fairly certain that he was the bitter, sad excuse for a man who would always make women miserable. Despite my insecurities, I thought that I was the best thing he would ever have.
No, it was Charlie. Jake was right and he knew it. Charlie wanted Jake and me to be together and he would be so disappointed in me if he knew that I'd given up.
I laid down on the couch and just cried, remembering my father and missing him.
– – –
"Bella!" A sharp shake on my shoulder pulled me out of the abyss.
I looked up to his worried hazel eyes as I tried to catch my breath. I was sweating and I could feel the tears on my face, though I hoped they were not noticeable in the dim light.
Edward sighed as he sank down next to my now sitting form.
This had been a regular occurrence as of late. I could hardly step foot into Charlie's room anymore without feeling unbearably guilty or crying. So I slept on the couch, and Edward shook me awake when I had nightmares.
"Thank you," I muttered, quickly swiping the back of my hand across my wet cheeks.
From the corner of my eye, I saw him nod thoughtfully as he stared across the room. "Bella," he said, then turned his body towards me, "I want to do for you what my... what someone used to do for me when I had nightmares."
I shook my head. "No, thanks, but that's not necessary. I'm sorry I woke you up again," I said, embarrassed that I made that much noise in my sleep.
Edward shook his own head at me. "I was awake, and I really think you should let me. You need to talk about whatever it is that is bothering you. You have to, Bella, so let me do this for you. I know you don't know me very well, but maybe that will help. I'm impartial." He shrugged and looked pleadingly at me.
"I don't really want to talk about it."
He smiled solemnly. "Trust me, Bella. I never wanted to talk about it either, but it helps, I promise."
I hadn't really told anyone about my split from Jake yet. Alice was busy and I didn't really want to talk to her about it anyway. Maybe Edward's impartial ear would be helpful.
"Okay," I said hesitantly.
As soon as I'd agreed, Edward sighed and wrapped his arms around me. I felt myself stiffen with surprise and he kind of hushed me then pressed his face against the top of my head. His arms were tight around me, one on my arm and the other on my waist, and he pulled me half into his lap. He started to rock slowly, breathing deeply against my hair.
"Whenever you're ready," he urged.
I gulped. I hadn't expected this. Talking was really enough, but he was literally fucking holding me. I could smell him. I could feel him. How the fuck was I supposed to concentrate?
The weirdest part of the whole situation was that his hold on me was oddly familiar. It felt maternal and it reminded me of the way Esme used to hold me when I was sad...
I pushed those thoughts aside and mumbled, "I feel so guilty."
Edward didn't reply, he just continued to rock me with his face against my hair, breathing deeply. I felt myself relax greatly in his arms as his silence stretched on. His hands silently encouraged me to continue as he rubbed lightly at my arm and waist.
"I broke things off with Jake a couple days ago."
Edward's rocking faltered momentarily and I tried to lean my head back to look up at him, but he started rocking again, stopping my movement.
"Charlie wanted us to be together. He loved Jake like a son; he always made comments about him being his son one day. He wanted us to be married.
"I'm sure you've heard pretty much everything Jake and I have ever fought about. These walls are thin and it's a bit hard to keep our yelling private. I'm sure you realize Jake and I weren't... intimate. I know you heard our big fight. That one was..." I laughed humorlessly and Edward continued to rub and rock calmingly.
"Anyways, Charlie had no idea about most of our problems. Charlie thought we were destined to live a fairytale 'happily ever after.' He had no idea how unhappy I was or how much Jake and I fought. I tell myself now that if he knew, he wouldn't have wanted that for me. He couldn't have wanted the... the misery I was in. I'm his... I was his daughter, am his daughter, he would pick my feelings over Jake's, right?"
Edward didn't answer and I sighed. "I tell myself that Charlie wanted me to be happy, but all my nightmares make my worst fears come true. I feel like he hates me for what I've done. I feel like he would have rather had Jake as a son than me as his disappointment of a daughter. I feel like I should have just continued to be unhappy so I wouldn't have to feel this guilt."
Edward shook his head minutely, but he said nothing. Whoever made up this nightmare-divulging, cradling thing obviously made a no interrupting rule, and I was oddly happy about that.
"It's my fault that I was unhappy, anyway. Jake had... something wrong with him, and it wasn't his fault that he couldn't... be with me. I couldn't accept that, so I selfishly broke his heart.
"Maybe he's right; maybe it is me who is bitter. After all the years we were together, I should have been able to accept him for who he was, but I couldn't. I feel so goddamn guilty because I don't even miss him. I'm... glad he's gone.
"That's terrible of me, because Jake nearly died before and I don't know what I'd do if something bad happened because of me, again. And Charlie's gone, but I miss him terribly, and I can't stop thinking about... everything."
I groaned and leaned into Edward's chest. He didn't seem to mind so I pressed myself even closer. With my eyes closed, I nuzzled my face into Edward's offered shoulder and sighed. "I just want to be happy."
After moving to lean on his shoulder, Edward's chin was awkwardly pressed against the side of my head. I was kind of grateful when he leaned his head back, though I hadn't minded the feeling of his breath on my ear. Edward's rocking stopped as he leaned back into the couch and just held me.
Sitting in his lap became a whole lot less motherly and a whole lot more intimate after that moment. He was so warm, and firm, yet soft and perfect. He smelled so fucking good.
"Does this whole clearing your conscience thing work if you don't tell the whole truth?" I asked hesitantly, realizing that I was indeed keeping a large, significant detail to myself.
"Well, the whole point is getting everything out to ease your mind, so to speak. It always worked for me when I did it, but I always just let go of everything that was bothering me. I don't think it'll work if you lie."
I gulped. "Lying by omission is technically still lying?"
"Yes, I suppose. If there's more, I'm ready when you are. Just remember you don't have to be afraid to tell me anything, Bella. I'm not going to judge, no matter what you say, I promise."
"Don't be so sure," I muttered.
Edward leaned back up, taking me with him, and resumed his rocking motion. "I'm sure it's not that bad, and even if it is, I've probably done or thought of doing worse. I won't judge, trust me."
"Um..." I swallowed loudly, wondering why I even brought this up. "Forget it. It's not important."
"It obviously is really important if you're afraid to talk about it. Just get it out, you'll feel so much better."
"I don't think so. It could ruin everything," I whispered.
I really was starting to enjoy having Edward around. His thirty-day trial period was coming to an end and I didn't want to see him leave if he found out about the huge girl boner I had for him. He was nice to have around, for more reason than just being easy on the eyes.
"I won't let it ruin anything. I'll do whatever I can to help you, Bella."
I sighed when he kissed the top of my head. I decided to start with the easier part. "I have nightmares about you sometimes."
Edward stopped his rocking and tensed up immediately. And that's just the less disturbing part, I thought. How was he going to react to my more crushing—no pun intended—news?
"I'd never hurt you, ever, Bella, you have to believe that," he said desperately, holding me out from him slightly so he could meet my eyes.
His mask wasn't on and his hazel eyes were tormented beyond belief. New pain and old mingled together as he started deploringly into my soul.
"Not those kind of dreams, they aren't really even nightmares. I'm not afraid of you and I know you won't hurt me on purpose. I think the dreams might have something to do with the fact that I like you. Like, really like you. A lot," I heard myself say. His eyes were freaking hypnotizing. Damn it. What the hell did I just do?
"What?" Edward deadpanned. The mask was definitely back in place now. His eyes were like flat sheets of speckled paper. Green and gold and blank.
"Don't worry, I know you have a girlfriend and I'm fine with that. It's just stupid anyway, I shouldn't have said anything. Oh my God, I should not have told you that," I groaned, trying to push away from him, but he held fast.
"Wait, did I hear you correctly? You like me, like as in have a crush on me like me?" he asked. He didn't look amused in the slightest.
"Yes, I'm sorry. It's nothing, just stupid girl hormones or something. Please let me go so I can go die in a hole somewhere." I fruitlessly tried to squirm myself away from him, but he just wouldn't give up. He wasn't laughing at me, but I'm not sure if that was a good thing.
"Don't die," he said plainly. "So wait, I'm confused now. You like me or your girl hormones like me?"
"What?" I whimpered, still trying to break his hold.
"Stop squirming."
"Let go."
"Answer the question."
"What question?"
He groaned and leaned back into the couch. I thought he was going to let go, but he only pulled me further on top of him. After he successfully resituated me, he held me tight against him and breathed, "Answer the question, Bella," right into my ear.
"Don't," I whined, knowing exactly what he was doing.
He nodded, brushing his nose against my neck as he did so. He breathed onto my neck and I shuddered. "You know, that first time you started randomly blurting shit, I thought it was hilarious and you were just really tired, but the second time I had you figured. Did you know you get really red when you're turned on?"
"Oh my God, Edward, don't. This is fucking embarrassing as hell. Let me go."
"I don't think I will, but only because I really don't think you want me to," he said, his lips brushing just lightly against my ear.
I really had no idea why the fuck he was doing this, but he was fucking right. I kind of liked it. Okay, I really liked it.
"So while we're waiting, I think I should explain something quickly. I don't have a girlfriend. There is a girl, or a woman, but she's not really a friend and she's more for... well, you know. Neither of us are under the impression that it's anything serious and we both know it can end at any given time and we're both fine with that. I know it's morally wrong but I'm a guy who really likes sex and who am I to pass it up when it's free."
"That's gross," I blurted. Yet, I couldn't help but be a bit happy to learn he wasn't really attached.
"Hmm, are you ready to answer my question?"
"No," I said.
"Alright," he said, sounding resolute.
His arm slid low around my hips and he pulled me back, pressing my ass right into his groin. I inhaled sharply at what I felt beneath me.
"Mm, you're getting red, Bella."
"Oh my God, it's hard," I said, really loudly.
He chuckled. "It is, for you," he purred into my ear.
I moaned, he knew he fucking had me. I didn't even bother trying to think since his dick always made my filter disintegrate.
"What do you like about me?" he asked.
"Everything," I all but moaned.
"Tell me why."
"Because you're really fucking nice, and funny, yet kind of a pain in the ass. I think you're a good guy. I want to know you, really know you."
"So you do like me. Is that all?"
"No." I squirmed against him and he groaned lightly, clutching at my hip then releasing it, though his hold on me never loosened.
"What else?" he asked.
"You're really hot. I want to lick you. And your cock is fucking huge. I want to lick that, too."
Edward groaned louder this time and I felt his cock twitch in his pants. I moaned back and squirmed, wanting some serious friction in my nether regions, preferably from the twitchy big dick beneath me. Oh, this was so bad and wrong.
"This is wrong, this is bad. We can't have sex, Edward."
"I didn't ask you to have sex with me," he stated.
That one fell on me like a ton of fucking bricks. God, Jake was fucking right, no one would ever want me.
"What?" Edward said angrily.
"Let go, please let go," I cried, this time really fighting him. I couldn't do this. I couldn't take the fucking rejection.
"He fucking said that to you? Bella, stop fighting, look at me," Edward said firmly.
Once I'd given up fighting him, he easily turned my practically limp body. He made me face him, straddling his hips, though I wouldn't meet his eyes. I felt sick, it hurt so badly. I'd actually let myself believe he might want me.
"Bella, look at me," he said softly. He tried to coax me, but I refused and he sighed. "I'm going to kill that son of a bitch if I ever see him again." Edward lightly gripped my hips and pulled me down closer to him, shifting his hips up to meet mine. He circled his hips and rubbed against me once then held me still against him. "How the hell could you think I don't want you? I'm a good liar, but I'm not that good of a liar. I thought you had me pegged for a pervert for the number of times I popped a woody when you were around. Christ, I can barely be in the same room with you without getting hard.
"What I meant is that I don't think we should have sex yet, Bella. I'm pretty sure that even though you think you want it, you're not really ready. I mean, shit, you have nightmares about me, that's not a good sign. We should probably get to know each other first. After you get to know me, you'll probably change your mind anyway."
"Yeah, doubtful, but you do need to get rid of what's her face."
He laughed and stroked my sides lightly, no longer holding me down. "Yes, I'll definitely be getting rid of what's her face."
"After that, we don't have to wait. I want it, a lot."
Edward groaned. "Bella, we both have some shit to work through, I don't think it's a good idea for us to jump into sex. I really need to learn how to handle you when you're turned on; you're a huge fucking tease."
"I'm not the fucking tease. I said I want it; you're the one who is teasing, rubbing your dick all over me. Besides, I think you'll handle me just fine."
He smirked. "I really want to fucking kiss you."
"What's stopping you?"
He groaned. "The fact that you're kind of grinding on my dick and if I kiss you, I'm not going to stop."
"Again, what's stopping you?"
He groaned louder and grabbed the back of my neck, pulling my mouth down closer to his. I placed my hands on his chest to stabilize myself. "Are you fucking sure you want this, now?" he asked.
"You have no fucking idea," I said, closing the distance.
Our lips just barely brushed when my blaringly loud alarm clock went off behind Edward's head.
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